I do my best to talk up each outfit and get in the name of my app all the while trying to ignore Dr. Hateful’s snide jibes. By the time the last model is leaving the stage, I’m ready to kick him right in his banana.
He definitely stole attention away from my segment.
Lacey smiles at the camera. “Star Day continues when we come back to chat with Dr. Ben Williams about NASA’s Earth Two project.” Turning to me, she says, “Why don’t you stick around, Serafina? This has been so much fun.”
I nod while forcing a wide smile to remain in place until the director calls out, “We’re in commercial …”
Dr. Ben stands up. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to go change into my own pants.”
“No time, buddy,” Hal tells him. “Sorry about that. I bet those things are a real bear to sit in. Bunching up your junk and all.”
“Hal!” Lacey hits him on the arm. “You can’t say that kind of stuff.”
“You saw the man when he came out, Lace. The whole world is going to be talking about it. I can only imagine the kind of hashtags that are already trending.”
I suddenly have a great idea that will keep my app alive in the public’s mind. I just have to find the right place to insert it into the conversation.
When the producer indicates we’re coming back from commercial, Lacey says, “So, Dr. Williams, may I call you Ben?” He nods so imperceptibly I barely see it. “Ben,” the hostess continues, “tell us when science thinks they’ll find an Earth Two planet that can be inhabited.”
“It’s a long process, I’m afraid,” he says. “But the hard part won’t be finding the planet — we know they’re out there. We need to increase our knowledge of space travel so we can actually get there in a reasonable amount of time.”
“You mean like on Star Trek when they used to beam themselves up?” Hal asks.
“We’re thinking more along the lines of creating a vehicle that will allow us to travel on magnetic waves. Hypothetically, if we can do that, we can travel a million miles in as little as an hour.”
Now is my moment. I announce, “While I understand the science of that, Dr. Dogmatic, what are the chances you’re going to be able to succeed in doing that in your lifetime?”
He glares at me with such hatred, I feel myself leaning away from him. “What did you call me?”
“I was just teasing because you’re so blind to the possibilities of the Universe.” I force a light tone. “But in all seriousness, don’t you think it might be more beneficial to focus your energies on Einstein-Rosen bridges?” I turn to the camera and add, “Or wormholes, as they’re more commonly termed.”
Before Ben can have at me — and believe me when I say he looks like he’s about to attack — Lacey interjects, “Wow, Serafina, it sounds like you know a thing or two about science yourself.”
“I did graduate at the top of my class from Yale,” I tell her.
“There’s no way…” Ben starts to say.
I interrupt him before he can officially call my intelligence into question. “Just because I use my education in a different way than you do, Dr. Williams, doesn’t mean I didn’t get one.”
“Yes, but…”
“In fact,” I tell him, “It seems to me that science has only benefited when researchers keep an open-mind.”
He scoffs, then says, “But astrology—”
“Is a science in its own right,” I tell him forcefully.
“According to fortune tellers and genies that pop out of old lanterns.” He rolls his eyes dismissively.
Before I have a chance to retaliate, Lacey announces, “I can’t believe how quickly the time has flown! Unfortunately, we have to tie things up because it’s time for the news.”
Hal interjects, “Serafina, Ben, thank you so much for joining us this morning. Maybe, if we’re lucky, you’d both agree to come back some time soon.”
“Absolutely.” I say enthusiastically before smiling at Ben. “What do you think, Dr. Dogmatic? Want to face off with me again?”
“I’m sure Hal meant separately,” he says stiffly.
“I don’t know about that,” Lacey says. “It might be more fun if you came back together.” Looking into the camera, she asks, “What do you think, America? Do you want to wake up with Ben and Serafina together or alone? Let us know on social media and we’ll make sure to listen.”
While I would rather run a 5K with my ankles tied together than be on this show with Dr. Know-It-All again, I’ll do it if it means aiding a positive view toward astrology and promoting my app. The good news is that if Ben’s constipated expression is anything to go on, I’ll have the whole segment to myself. I am one hundred percent sure he won’t come back to Wake Up America! Not if I’m a guest.
Eight
Ben
As soon as the director says we’re on a commercial break, I stand, then shake Lacey and Hal’s hands before making a beeline for my dressing room. I don’t bother to acknowledge Serafina. Dr. Dogmatic? I’m the dogmatic one? I don’t think so. She can kiss my banana pants.
Of all the infuriating, insane ways to waste my time, this one takes the cake. I’m going to march right into work and tell Dev this was the very last public appearance I’ll be making. If NASA wants a spokesperson, they can hire one. I don’t have time to argue with some airy-fairy nonsense-spreader.
Shutting the door to my dressing room, I remove the horridly tight pants, freeing my man parts from the confines of their holding cell. “Ahhhh, that’s better.”
Sorry about that, boys. It won’t happen again.
I quickly tug on my underwear and pants, then strip off the shirt and vest. I must be allergic to some fiber in it because I’m itching like I’ve got a virulent case of the chicken pox. Once I’m free from the horrid costume, I take a moment to walk over to the small bathroom and splash some water on my face, trying to relish the fact that it’s all over and I never have to do it again.
There’s a loud knock at the door. I call for whoever it is to come in, expecting it to be Justin. Instead, it’s Serafina Lopez. Her eyes land on my bare chest and she blushes a little, then she straightens her back and announces, “I came to get my clothes back.”
“You can have them,” I say with disgust as I gather them up and unceremoniously toss them to her.
“Thanks a lot.” After she has them, we stare at each other a second too long, but neither of us says anything. I’m momentarily struck by how beautiful she is, which inevitably renders me mute even though I’d love nothing more than to keep arguing with her about her asinine beliefs.
Serafina opens her mouth, then shakes her head at me. “Nope, not worth it.”
“My sentiments exactly.”
She spins on her heel and leaves, slamming the door behind her.
“Good riddance.”
When I walk into work, the entire team stands and starts applauding me. I look up and see my image in a freeze-frame on all the 80-inch screens that line the walls. I’m walking down the catwalk in my Gemini jumpsuit. “Very funny, guys,” I say with a conciliatory nod. “Get your jabs in now so we can move on like grown-ups, okay?”