But me not having sex in months didn’t constitute monk status. Though my dick was beginning to disagree with my newfound dislike of meaningless sex.
“Unabomber? Seriously?”
“That’s what you’re gonna focus on?”
“What else do you want me to focus on? You’re right, I needed time to get my shit together. I didn’t suddenly become anything, I adjusted. Adapted. And I did that because I had you and the team at my back. And I didn’t take a vow of celibacy. I was sick to death of the nothing I felt. It was too fucking easy, I was tired of easy. I was tired of rolling out of some woman’s place who I didn’t know, was never gonna know, and had no desire to get to know. I didn’t want a love match but fucking hell, I want to at least want the woman beyond fucking her.”
“You didn’t want love?”
“Not tracking.”
“You said, didn’t. Not that you don’t want love. Does that mean—”
“I don’t know what the hell it means,” I cut him off. “Didn’t. Don’t. Fuck if I know.”
Matt’s face broke out into a full-fledged smile and I braced. It was a damn good thing I had.
“Holy shit. You’re in love with Shiloh Kent.”
There was nothing to say to that. Nowhere to go. If I denied it, Matt would call me out. If I confirmed, he’d hammer me with more questions I didn’t want to answer.
So I said nothing.
Matt didn’t have the same problem. “Company party’s next weekend. You bringing her?”
That idea made me laugh. Short of cuffing Shiloh, physically carrying her to my truck, and committing felony kidnapping, there was very little chance I’d get her to a TC party.
But it was going to be fun trying.
Trying.
Fuck. I hated that word. But when it came to Shiloh, I had a feeling failure, regrouping, learning, trying again, and improvising were in my future. Failure wasn’t so bad as long as in the end, I got what I wanted. I’d take my knocks.
8
I was pacing my kitchen. I was not armed. I’d decided against this—the temptation to shoot Luke in his ass was too great. I’d likely have to answer uncomfortable questions when I took Luke to the hospital with a GSW to his buttock. It would serve him right but I liked my job and might get fired for a bad firearm discharge. My captain was pretty cool, but not that cool and he was still watching me like a hawk, worried about my state of mind, and shooting a man in his ass because he’d pissed me off would only confirm my captain’s suspicions.
I needed a break. That was what he thought. I was of a different mind and didn’t want any downtime that would lead to me dwelling.
But surprisingly, I’d only had one nightmare in the last five days.
And I’d successfully avoided my brothers’ phone calls. Unfortunately, that was due to my crazy schedule. I wasn’t sure who’d told Luke that Mercury was in retrograde but maybe he was onto something.
It was on that thought my doorbell shrilled and I wondered why the planets hadn’t aligned in my favor to make Luke back off.
I wanted him to back off and go away, right?
Maybe.
Sorta.
Kinda.
But not really.
Can you say, hello straitjacket?
I tromped to the door preparing to kick Luke square in the gonads, rendering his sperm useless for the rest of his life. I opened the door and upon seeing him, I had second thoughts. But only because it would be a shame if he didn’t pass his superior good looks to his offspring, populating Georgia with beauty.
Then he opened his mouth to say, “Shocking. I thought I’d have to break the door down.”
Which caused me to have a third thought; I’d be doing the citizens of Georgia a favor by sterilizing him so he couldn’t spread his pushy, macho arrogance. Something he had in abundance thus would pass from father to child without the mother’s input.
“Shocking,” I spat. “You didn’t listen when I told you not to come over.”
He smiled. Big and broad and so damn sexy I was momentarily stunned.
That was how he pushed into my house.
“Hey!”
I got that one word out, then Luke’s hand came up, hooked me around the back of the neck, and he yanked me to his chest. And since I was still stunned by his smile I was catapulted straight to dazed when his arms wrapped around me. Dazed and confused and bewildered. My cheek was pressed against his hard pectoral muscle. Not knowing what to do with them, my arms dangled lamely at my sides. Luke didn’t have this problem. One of his arms was low on my back, his hand resting on my hip. His other was diagonal across my back, his hand resting on my shoulder. He didn’t allow an inch of space between us.
I should’ve protested but my mind was too busy soaking up the feel of him to tell my mouth to form words.
This was a problem.
A big, honking problem.
Not only did I like the feel of him, I liked the way he smelled. Man and Georgia sunshine. I liked how I fit perfectly in his arms. Like I was made to be right where I was. And I felt safe. Not safe like when my brothers hugged me. Safe like the man holding me would prop me up and never let me fall.
I never wanted him to let me go. But even scarier—I never wanted to let him go.
“Sorry you had a shit couple of days.”
I heard his assertion but my fuzzy, stupefied brain was still on the fritz—more so now that I felt the rumble of his words on my cheek. So all I did was nod.
Luke, having all of his faculties and none of the current issues I was having, was in full command of his extremities. The arm that had been around my waist was now gone and I felt his hand grab my wrist, then he twisted his arm behind his back and placed my hand on his hip. He repeated his actions, only using his other hand to grab mine. Once he had my hands where he wanted them he kept me close.
This was nicer.
Having my hands on him, albeit loosely, was oh-so-much better. I wanted to dig my fingertips in—no, scratch that—I wanted to allow my hands to roam over his back. I wanted to turn my head and feel his chest under my lips. Actually, I wanted to pull his tee off so my lips would be met with bare skin. After I explored all of his hard muscles with my mouth I wanted him to pull my clothes off and return the favor. I wanted this so badly I forgot he wanted to be friends. I forgot he scared me. I forgot he’d made it clear he didn’t want me to kiss him or see him naked. I forgot a lot of things when my body started to tingle, so Luke didn’t miss the full-on body quake.
This was unfortunate. His arms got super-tight around me and he dropped his mouth to my temple and brushed his lips there. They lingered a little too long and I trembled again. That broke the spell.
“Gonna feed you, then we’ll watch a movie and relax. Are you on call?”
There was no way I’d be able to relax in front of a movie with Luke.
“I think you should go.”
“Clue in, Shiloh, I’m not going. You had a shit week, mine hasn’t been much better, I’m starving, my brain hurts from reading reports all day, yours likely hurts worse. We’ll eat and veg out. Watch a mindless movie and relax.”
My brain did hurt. Sitting on the couch staring at the TV not thinking sounded heavenly. And if I weren’t so scared of Luke it would sound even better doing that next to him. But I was scared of him. He had the power to dismantle the carefully crafted fortress I’d built around myself. Hell, who was I kidding? He’d already ripped it apart, going straight to the foundation I’d laid and the rest crumbled down.