But I wouldn’t fix it.
I never did. I never made things right because everyone always left me. Not one fucking person who was not one of my brothers ever held their ground, no one stayed. Same refrain every time.
It was getting old.
So old, I vowed to cut the few acquaintances I had out of my life before I did something mean. I’d stop going to the bar with my team. I’d stop going to the monthly golf games. It wasn’t like I played golf, I just went to go. No, I went because I liked the guys I worked with, and I liked Gordy’s wife, and liked having a good time. I just didn’t like people asking questions about my life and that was what friends did. They shared. And since I couldn’t share I had no friends.
That was better.
Alone.
Work I loved, my house, my brothers, and nothing else.
No more. Not after what I did to Luke.
The tears came faster and I wasn’t sure if I was mourning the loss of a man I’d spent a handful of hours with or that I’d be missing the next golf game.
Totally messed up.
A golf game, not the company of my team.
I heard my front door open and slam shut. I was on my feet ready to bolt into my bedroom to get my service weapon when Luke appeared.
“I’m not fucking leaving,” he growled. “You can be as pissed as you want. But hear this, Shiloh. You can throw that attitude of yours around and be a bitch just to be a bitch but I’m not fucking leaving.”
I stared at a seriously mad Luke. I did this silently. I couldn’t get my body to move, not even my lips to form words. His eyes narrowed and he took three steps and stopped.
“You got nothing to say? That’s good because I think you’ve said enough.”
Now my eyes narrowed. Unfortunately, he executed a staredown better than me. Actually, his squinted eyes coupled with his deep frown were better than any look my brothers had given me. That included Echo who had essentially taken on the role as my father when I was ten, thus Echo had perfected the art of a dirty look at a young age and I’d given him an impressive number of occasions for him to use it. But, still Luke did it better.
“You came back,” I whispered.
“I don’t want any—”
“No one ever comes back.”
“What’s that mean, baby?”
Soft, so soft. His voice drifted across the distance and wrapped around me and stemmed the flow of pain. I didn’t know someone’s voice could be so sweet. Could be the cure for a self-inflicted wound.
“No one ever stays and they never come back.”
“Shiloh—”
“You came back.”
“I get this means something to you, but I’m not tracking.”
Yep, you guessed it—still soft and sweet but he’d added a dash of gentle, and for some reason that was my undoing.
“From as far back as I can remember, no one stayed. Not my mom, not my dad, no one. Everyone left us when we needed them. No one wanted anything to do with a cop killer’s kids. But you came back.”
“Christ.” That was not soft and sweet and gentle.
It was angry and biting but in a way that felt good. And for reasons I couldn’t begin to understand, I couldn’t hold myself apart. I couldn’t retreat. I couldn’t find malicious words that normally came so easy. It was like they’d vanished from my vocabulary.
That was terrifying. I needed them to keep people away. I needed a sword and a shield and mean, spiteful words to make people dislike me.
But I couldn’t find them when I needed them most.
He came back.
And I didn’t know what to do with that except to reject it, shove it away.
I’m not fucking leaving.
A chill rushed up my spine.
“Why’d you come back?”
“Because leaving felt wrong.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t know if there was anything to say. But I knew there was something to feel because warmth flowed over me and for the first time in my life I wasn’t chilled to the bone.
Then something dawned on me—he said he wanted to be friends. And weirdly that stung and not for all the normal reasons that it hurt when someone got close. Friend-zoned by Luke was a hit to a place I thought I’d locked away. I knew better than to want a man. I’d lied to myself for years—blaming my job, telling myself I had to stay focused—and it worked most of the time. But there were some nights when I was alone in my bed when I admitted the truth and let the painful knowledge that I was destined to live my life without a man, kids, a family, roll around in the dark. I didn’t allow this often. It hurt, but I did it from time to time to help me stay on track. Keep the wound fresh so I didn’t forget and let someone in.
“I don’t have any friends,” I admitted.
“No?”
I shook my head in confirmation and verbally continued so he’d have all the information he needed to keep himself safe from me.
“I don’t have any because I cut out anyone who gets close to me. I do what I did to you, only worse. I do it in a way that makes it clear I don’t want anyone in my life. And since everyone leaves and no one ever comes back, I’d say I’m damn good at it. The nightmares I’m having, those are new, those just started a few months back. But me being a queen bitch, that I’ve been doing since I was a kid. I don’t know why your leaving felt wrong to you, but I’m telling you it was right. You should turn around and leave before I infect you with my bullshit. It’s mean and nasty and when it takes over, I can’t control it. It’s like I’m not in the room and I’m not the one doing it. Trust me, you don’t want any part of my ugly.”
Luke was silent for a beat, his face carefully blank. With a lift of his chin, he said, “Noted.”
That was all.
He did not make his way to the door, which I thought he should do with due haste.
Maybe he was waiting for an apology, and he absolutely should’ve gotten it so I didn’t delay in offering one.
“I’m sorry I was a bitch to you. It was completely uncalled for. You were being cool with me, trying to help me and I repaid your kindness with malicious intent and you should know I did that on purpose and I’m sorry for that, too.”
Luke jerked his chin again but still hadn’t made a move to leave.
Weird.
“So, um, thanks for being cool. And maybe after a spell, we can go back to being what we were. You know, um, joke-around buddies.”
Joke-around buddies? Did I just say that?
God. I was so lame.
What the hell was a joke-around buddy?
Someone who teases and jokes but never gets close. I answered myself in this reasonable little voice.
And I was now certifiably crazy.
“We’re gonna be more than joke-around buddies, Shiloh.”
Panic rose fast and furious.
“Uh…” I stumbled, unable to find the words I needed to put an end to this madness.
“We’re gonna be friends.”
Friends.
Oh, no, we weren’t.
“Yeah, no, I’ll pass on that.”
Then Luke did something strange. Something bizarre and extraordinary.
His lips curved up into a smile.
“Funny, I don’t recall asking.”
Panic simmered until my old friend Queen Bitch made a reappearance as anger pulsed through my veins.