“Yes, I heard you the first time, dear sister,” Louisa exclaimed, all but throwing up her hands in exasperation. “However, I cannot believe that you truly mean what you say. How can you not dream of love and marriage? You of all people should be a mother. Do you not feel any desire to have children?”
The smile upon Juliet’s face seemed far from genuine, the corners of her lips tight and her eyes unblinking. “I will be perfectly happy doting on yours,” she assured Louisa before her gaze moved to Leonora. “On all of yours.”
Leonora felt a cold chill dance down her spine at the suggestion that she might find a husband and have children one day. Always had it seemed like a normal part of life. Something that would eventually happen down the line. Now, however, everything was different. What once had seemed natural, now seemed impossible. The thought of allowing any man to step closer than an arm’s length away—which was already a distance much too short in Leonora’s opinion—was utterly unthinkable.
Even now, after months had passed, she still awoke in the middle of the night, the feeling of hands upon her body lingering even after she found a way out of the nightmare that held her in its clutches. It was the strangest sensation, and it made the notion of being close to anyone in an intimate way all but impossible. Would she ever marry? Or was she to remain unmarried for the rest of her life, never a wife, never a mother?
Fortunately, most of the carriage ride passed in a cheerful manner. The sisters discussed who might be in attendance, looking forward to meeting friends and acquaintances whom they had not seen in weeks. Every so often, though, Louisa’s utterances included none other than Phineas Hawke, Viscount Barrington, the man who no doubt held her heart. Leonora had been watching those two dance around one another for the past year or two. They had been all but enemies in the beginning, a misunderstanding between them, driving them apart. However, lately, it seemed that they had found common ground.
Phineas Hawke would be at the Christmas house party as well, and Leonora wondered if this year Louisa might be the one who would find herself proposed to. Leonora truly hoped that it would be so for she knew how deeply her sister felt for the dashing viscount. Indeed, they were a perfect match, both spirited and passionate, particularly about one another.
When the carriage finally rolled up the drive toward Windmere Park, Leonora felt unease creep into every part of her being. Her hands felt ice-cold, and a soft shiver continued to dance across her skin. She felt her whole body tense, putting up every effort to counteract the tremors, an echo of her nightmares.
Louisa’s hand settled upon Leonora’s clenched fist. “All will be well,” Louisa whispered, her kind green eyes looking into Leonora’s as she lifted her chin. “I’m here. Don’t worry. I’m here.”
Leonora managed a small smile for her sister, grateful beyond words to have someone here with her who knew, who understood. Apart from Louisa and Grandma Edie as well as Phineas Hawke, no one knew what had happened that night. In fact, it had been Phineas who had found them at the masquerade and come to Leonora’s rescue. Still, her attacker had gotten away, his identity a mystery they would never solve.
“Have we finally arrived?” Grandma Edie asked with a yawn as her eyes blinked open and she pushed herself upward. “About time.”
One by one, they disembarked from the carriage, stepping out onto the swept cobblestones leading up to the front door. Snow covered every surface around them, glistening in the sun like a sea of diamonds. Leonora felt good, and a spark of Christmases long ago bloomed in her heart, reminding her of the joy she had always found in this place. How would she find it this year?
As they stepped into the front hall, leaving the icy cold air behind, Lord Archibald stepped toward them, a wide grin upon his face. “Welcome!” He spread his arms wide, his brown eyes warm as ever. “I had hoped you would make it in time for tonight’s games.”
Louisa was about to voice her delight when the door opened once more, allowing their parents and younger sisters to enter. They had been in another carriage, traveling close behind them. Leonora watched as her father and Lord Archibald embraced one another, old friends, all but considering one another family. Her two youngest sisters, Christina and Harriet, seemed rather bored as well as relieved finally to be able to step out of the confines of the carriage. Then the door opened once more, and in stepped none other than Phineas Hawke, accompanied by his brother Tobias as well as his wife and their cousin Anne. Leonora’s only brother Troy was the last one to enter the large foyer.
Finally, they were all assembled, together once again after such a lengthy journey.
Lord Archibald stepped forward to greet them all, and in doing so, he moved past Leonora, his arm almost brushing hers. Still, Leonora felt it as though he had all but shoved her aside. He had not touched her, and yet, he had stepped too close. He had done nothing wrong, his only intention to greet her family, and yet, Leonora felt the flame of panic lick higher.
Again, Louisa’s hand settled upon her arm. “Take a deep breath,” her sister mumbled, her watchful green eyes once more upon Leonora.
Leonora looked up at her sister, grateful beyond all measure. “This is silly,” she mumbled under her breath, deeply disappointed in herself. “It was nothing. It…”
Louisa’s hand upon her arm tightened reassuringly, offering comfort. “Do not chide yourself,” she whispered, leaning closer so the others would not hear. “You have every right to feel the way you do. There’s nothing wrong with it.”
Leonora loved her sister for saying so even though she knew she did not believe so herself. She was disappointed. She was frustrated. She was exasperated. When would it ever stop? After all, nothing had truly happened! Yes, a masked stranger had put his hands on her. However, she had not been injured in any way. Her body was still whole, and yet, parts of her seemed tormented beyond repair. How was she to heal something she could not even make sense of herself?
In that moment, Leonora felt completely overwhelmed, realizing that coming to Windmere Park this year had been a huge mistake. How was she to keep her secret when the mere presence of a man unhinged her in such a profound way? What if someone addressed her? Simply asked after her summer? Or commented upon the weather? Would she be able to answer? Or would she melt down, panic rising, threatening to overwhelm her?
Leonora forced a deep breath down her lungs, doing her best to concentrate on nothing but the feel of her sister’s warm hand upon her arm. She was not alone. And yet, she had never felt so alone in her life. For as much as Louisa did her best to comfort her, to offer counsel and advice, she did not know how it felt to be tormented by these memories. Was there anyone in this world who did?
Chapter Two
A Rare Woman
Drake spent two days at Windmere Park before the friend who had asked him here finally arrived. Normally, he would not attend a house party, preferring to spend the Christmas season on his own, far away on his remote estate where he would not be forced to look upon smiling faces and see what was hidden beneath. Part of Drake wished that he had never acquired the ability to see what was truly there, hiding behind masks of tight smiles and widened eyes.
Looking out the window, Drake watched the many guests walking through the snow, strapping on their skates and heading toward the frozen lake. Merriment was in the air, laughter echoing here and there; Drake kept on wondering which of the sounds he heard were true and which were deceptive.