Indeed, the mere thought of attending Lord Archibald’s Christmas house party threatened to send her into a panic. Leonora knew not why and hated that she could not find a way to rise above it. After all, what were memories if not simply thoughts? Unfortunately, the thought of mingling, of conversing with others, of others stepping closer…
Leonora closed her eyes, willing the panic back down.
Ever since that night, she had not ventured out into society. The Season had ended, and her family had retreated to their country estate soon after. At Whickerton Grove, Leonora had kept to herself, spending most of her time in her chamber or going for long walks through the countryside. Although her thoughts always turned back to that painful moment, she now knew how to bear it…at least when she was alone.
Lord Archibald’s Christmas house party was always well-attended. Leonora knew so from personal experience. After all, her family had been attending every year for as long as she could remember. It had always been great fun, seeing friends and family, exploring the outdoors, skating upon the frozen lake and chasing each other through the snow. Only last year, her cousin Anne had gotten engaged at that very house party. Today, she and her husband were happier than Leonora had ever seen her.
Before the masquerade, Leonora had secretly hoped that perhaps this year she too would meet someone special. Perhaps this year would see her under a sprig of mistletoe. Then, the thought had excited her and made her yearn. Now, however, it sent cold shivers down her back and fear into her heart.
Leonora felt her sister’s hands grasp hers tightly, giving her a quick shake. “You will not be alone,” Louisa promised her, her voice solemn and the look in her green eyes passionate and compelling. “I promise I shall not leave your side. Nothing will happen. Trust me.”
Looking into her sister’s eyes, Leonora wished that she possessed Louisa’s spirit. Indeed, the two sisters were like night and day. Louisa was fair and sparkling and full of light, her green eyes always shining with mischief. Leonora, on the other hand, always seemed to stand in her shadow. Her dark curls and pale blue eyes rarely drew anyone’s attention; neither did her curious mind, no doubt due to the countless questions that often flew from her tongue. In fact, more than one gentleman had regretted seeking her out, quickly bored by the thoughts that occupied Leonora’s mind.
Perhaps, now, that would serve her, Leonora could not help but think. After all, she knew not who her attacker had been. It had been a masquerade, and his face as well as her own had been concealed behind masks. He could be anyone. Had she spoken to him before at one event or another? Had she danced with him before? Would she meet him at Lord Archibald’s Christmas house party?
It was that thought that would not allow Leonora to return to society and pretend that nothing had happened. She knew that her family wondered. She knew that their acquaintances wondered. Yes, Leonora had retreated from the world and she could not imagine returning to it. Still, before long the questions would come, more insistent than the ones she had thus far heard. What would she say then?
In truth, Leonora knew that she needed to try and reclaim her old life. Not even for those around her, but for herself. Ultimately, she needed to accept that she would never find out who her attacker had been, and she needed to make her peace with that. Somehow, she needed to make peace with that.
“I know I cannot shut myself away for the rest of my life.” Leonora drew back her shoulders and tucked a dark brown curl back behind her ear as she met her sister’s fierce, green eyes. “And I do not want to.” A dark scoff left her lips, a bit of a hysterical chuckle following suit. “This is silly! Of course, nothing bad will happen. Nothing bad ever happened before. Not at a ball. Not with my parents, my grandmother, my family around.” She swallowed hard, willing herself to finally believe this. “Nothing will happen.”
Nevertheless, despite every encouraging word she whispered to herself, Leonora knew that doubt remained in her heart. Would this wound ever heal? A wound she could not even see. A wound that was elusive and intangible. It was ludicrous, was it not? She ought to be fine. She truly and honestly ought to be fine.
Willing her thoughts to remain in the here and now, Leonora finally agreed to attend and found herself stepping into the carriage only a few days later. She sat down next to Louisa, her eldest sister Juliet and Grandmother Edie across from them. She tried to smile and chat with them, allowed her gaze to stray to the window every once in a while, willing herself to be distracted, her thoughts to remain in the present and not run off to a future moment that might bring new panic.
A future moment that might never come.
After all, what was the probability of her meeting her attacker at Lord Archibald’s Christmas house party?
Marginal at best.
Indeed, the carriage ride was quite pleasant. It had been some time since Leonora had spent a longer period of time in her sisters’ company, and she realized that she had missed them. Retreating from the world had its drawbacks after all.
“Perhaps I should play matchmaker yet again this year,” Louisa remarked with a smirk as her gaze moved from Leonora to their eldest sister Juliet. “You must admit I was quite successful where our dear cousin was concerned.”
Leonora remembered well how her sister had maneuvered their poor cousin and her childhood friend under a sprig of mistletoe the year before. “In case you have forgotten,” Leonora remarked, grateful to have something other than her own misery to think about, “their kiss was rather disastrous. It looked remarkably…uncomfortable. Anne was all but inconsolable afterward.”
Grandmother Edie chuckled. “Yet, the girl is married today, is she not?” Her brows rose teasingly as she looked at Leonora.
Louisa laughed. “Thank you, Grandmother. I appreciate your support.”
Again, their grandmother chuckled. “I call them as I see them. No need to thank me for speaking the truth.” Then a wide yawn stretched over her face, and she rested her head against the side wall, closing her eyes. Before long, the sounds of deep slumber drifted from her lips.
The three sisters smiled at one another before Louisa turned to look at Juliet. “Perhaps I should try to match you this year.” Her gaze drifted meaningfully to their grandmother. “Perhaps if we all work together, we can manage to dislodge her hold on you long enough for you to find a suitor.”
For a reason none of them understood, Grandma Edie had made it a habit of holding on to their eldest sister at each and every outing or societal event. Poor Juliet could not take a single step without their grandmother glued to her side. In consequence, at the advanced age of seven and twenty, Juliet was still unmarried. In fact, most of society believed her to be on the shelf for good.
A tentative smile flitted across Juliet’s face before she shook her head softly. “There is no need,” she told Louisa. Still, an inkling of regret lingered in her soft gaze. “I am perfectly content with the way things are. Please, don’t worry about me for I truly enjoy being our grandmother’s companion.”
Louisa scoffed, her brows drawing down, clearly signaling that she did not believe a word Juliet had said. “We shall see.”
Juliet tensed, and Leonora noted concern coming to her eyes, the muscles in her jaw tightening ever so slightly. “Please, do not worry yourself on my account. I assure you I’m perfectly—”