I chuckled, pushing the container under one arm. “I know.” I paused, trying to find the right words. Right now wasn’t the time, not after everything that had happened over the last couple of months.
“You don’t have to say it,” she whispered. “Not right now.” She huffed out a breath, her shoulders slumping. “I hate living like this.”
“It’ll get better,” I told her, trying to keep the hope in my voice, but it was hard because part of me wasn’t sure it ever would get better. There would always be someone trying to take Lorenzo down.
“Yeah.” The sound of footsteps had her plastering a smile to her face, the one she used when everyone was here. But I saw when her facade dropped. She didn’t feel the need to put a front on when it was just me, her, and Lorenzo. I understood it, but I wished I could tell her that she didn’t need to rush her healing. Physically or mentally. “Anyway. I hope they enjoy the pasta.” She took a step back, lifting her hand in a wave. “See you in the morning.”
“See you,” I murmured, the words drifting behind her as she spun around and moved back into the dining room.
I didn’t move for several seconds as I stared at the mansion. I sometimes wondered what it would be like to live here instead of the tiny apartment, but being here came with a catch. It wasn’t easy, no matter how much Lorenzo made it look that way.
With one last look at the door to the command center, I left, ready to switch from Mafia captain to big brother.
CHAPTER 5
LUNA
I’d started to come to college earlier and earlier each day while getting home later and later. The less time I spent inside the havoc that was my apartment, the better. There was always someone new inside the four walls, and if I was honest, I just didn’t feel safe there anymore. If I had somewhere else to sleep, I wouldn’t have gone back at all. But I didn’t. I had to go back there whether I liked it or not.
I gritted my teeth, hating that they’d fooled me. I should have known better than to believe them when they said they were clean for good this time. I was a fool. A fool with hope that got destroyed at every turn.
A fool who was catching the first bus of the day and getting onto campus before the sun had fully come up. And today wasn’t any different. I’d walked around the campus for a little while before settling on a bench on one of the many pathways that interconnected all of the buildings. I had an assignment to finish, and even though my laptop was one of the cheap ones, it did the job of being able to electronically send my assignments in without me needing to be in the library.
It was one of the only things I’d splurged on with my scholarship money. Had it not have been a necessity, I would have saved the money for the expensive books I needed. But in this day and age, almost everything was done online. Something I was grateful for but also annoyed at. Not everyone had the money for countless devices that they didn’t even technically need.
I blew out a breath as I clicked send, then leaned back on the bench. More students had filed on to campus now that the sun was high in the sky, but it was still relatively empty when a familiar SUV pulled up to the edge of the curb.
Blinking, I scanned the dark windows and the gleaming metal work. I frowned, trying to ignore the dip in my stomach at the sight of it. I’d spotted him here a few times since we ran into each other—literally—but I still hadn’t figured out why he was on campus. I didn’t want to admit that I looked out for him when I was here, or that my gaze veered to his makeshift spot at the apartment building. But it did. There was something about him that I couldn’t put my finger on. Something that pulled at me from deep within.
I slipped my laptop into my bag, not taking my gaze off the SUV as the back door opened. A woman dressed in black jeans and a short white jacket stepped out. Her long black hair was to the middle of her back and perfectly blown out. I reached up to my own hair, the brown looking lighter thanks to the summer months, but I knew by November it would darken right back up again. My messy bun on the top of my head was nothing compared to the shiny gloriousness that was her hair.
I was comparing myself to a woman I didn’t even know, yet I couldn’t stop it.
Was this the reason he was here? Was she his girlfriend?
I pressed my hand on my stomach, wincing at the sinking feeling. Why did the thought of Mateo with someone else make me feel like I was dropping to the bottom of a murky lake with no rescue in sight?
Clipping my bag closed, I stared at her. She threw her head back laughing, the sound so easy breezy. I’d never be like that. I’d never be able to laugh so freely that I didn’t care who heard. I was always hyperaware of everything around me, not wanting to make myself the center of attention. It was easier that way. If I went by undetected, then I wouldn’t be anyone’s focus. But I couldn’t help wondering what it would be like if I didn’t care who saw me. What would people think of me if I didn’t hide in corners and keep my head down?
They’d think I was just like my mom and dad.
I swatted that thought away as soon as it leaked through my consciousness. They were always there, in the back of my mind, controlling how I acted without them even knowing. They said that you were a product of your environment, but if that was true, I was destined to be consumed by drugs. My skin crawled when I thought about how easy it would be for me to turn into that.
I refused to be like them. I’d be the outlier, the one who pulled herself out of a situation without falling into the deep pit of despair with no way out.
Her laugh filtered through my thoughts, and I snapped upright, standing, needing to get away from the situation in front of me. I took one last look back at the SUV, and as I did, the front driver door opened. My breath caught in the back of my throat as he stepped out dressed in his suit pants and shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.
Holy shit.
The woman closed the back door at the same time as Mateo, and I wondered if he was going to just leave the SUV parked there. It was a "no parking" zone, but as he started to walk up the pathway next to the woman, I realized that he didn’t care. The way he held his shoulders back and his head up high said more than any words ever could.
He flicked his head up, his gaze immediately piercing mine as if he’d known I was there all along. I was glued to the ground, my feet not working, and my stomach a mess of butterflies. His lips lifted into a knowing grin. Damn him.
Why did he make me feel like that? Why did one look render me incapable of doing anything else? This wasn’t normal, right? He shouldn’t have been able to make my body not feel like my own.
I scrambled, holding my bag tighter to me, hoping he’d just walk on by me as if I didn’t exist. And maybe to him I didn’t. I’d only officially spoken to him once. I mean sure, I saw Cardo and Chiara nearly every day. I’d even brought burgers home with me last night and we’d had a makeshift picnic until Cardo had said it was time to go back to his apartment.
I’d seen the same hesitation on Cardo’s face that I knew was on mine every time I started the walk up the stairs to my own apartment. I hated to think what was happening between his walls when Mateo wasn’t there. But I knew it wasn’t my place to ask. Too many times when I was a kid a nosy neighbor would intervene, and all it would do was make things ten times worse. My mom would stress out and get high, my dad would try and calm her down, then join her in her high, and I’d be left alone.