Joel was impressed. “Okay, I take it back.”
She brought the armchair closer, then sat in it, warming her hands.
Joel sat in his rocker, and Bramble came over to him, his head resting on Joel’s knee, his tail wagging. Joel stroked Bramble’s sleek head. “Good boy,” he whispered. Bramble’s tail picked up speed.
“How far is it to the beach from here?” Carrie asked.
“Depends on which route I take. The shortest is past the fire department, left at Clock Farm Corner, and down Dyke Road, where the village store is. That brings me out at the southern end of Kings Highway, about half an hour—unless Bramble is really pulling, in which case you could knock off four minutes or so. I don’t see many people when I go that way. The longest route takes me through the village, and once I get to the lower end of Wildwood Avenue, I can pretty much pick any street—they all lead to the shore.” He snuck a glance in her direction. “You dating yet?”
Carrie flushed. “The judge only approved the divorce decree two weeks ago.”
“Yeah, but I moved out in January. It’s been almost five months, sweetheart. You telling me you’ve not been looking?” When the flush on her neck deepened, Joel knew he’d hit pay dirt. “I see. Who’s the lucky guy?” She deserves to find someone who’ll make her happy, in all the ways I couldn’t.
“His name’s Eric. I play tennis with him at the Tennis Association.” Carrie bit her lip, and in that moment, Joel saw her at age twenty-two, the shy girl who’d worked up enough courage to ask him to marry her.
“Would I approve?”
Carrie’s eyes sparkled. “He’s forty-eight, very sweet, and very kind. He treats me like I’m a queen.”
Joel wasn’t crass enough to ask if they were getting it on. That was no one’s business but theirs. He’d lay even money that they were, however. That light in Carrie’s eyes said plenty. She needs to make up for lost time.
The thought did nothing but heap another load of guilt onto an already huge pile.
“Then Eric is a lucky guy. You’re a catch in anyone’s book.” She wore her hair shorter now, only reaching her shoulders. Joel gestured to it with a chuckle. “You finally had enough, huh?”
“Do you like it?”
He smiled. “Yes, but I think it’s more important that Eric does.” He cocked his head to one side. “You haven’t told the kids, have you? About me, I mean.”
Carrie shook her head. “We agreed. That would be when you felt ready.” She sipped her coffee.
He gave her a speculative glance. “But you think I should tell them, don’t you?”
She sighed. “I just don’t feel they’ll react as badly as you think they will.”
Joel placed his mug on a coaster on top of the bookcase. “Really? Look at how they reacted to us divorcing. I’m suddenly the bad guy—at least, I’m pretty sure that’s how Nate sees me.” Laura’s reaction had been more low-key. “How on earth do you think they’ll react if I said, ‘Hey, kids? I’m gay. I’ve always thought of myself as gay, but I didn’t want to risk coming out, so I did what a whole bunch of other gay guys did—I got married and started a family, because that was what was “expected’ of us”,” he air-quoted. He sagged into the chair. “I stayed in the closet back then because I didn’t want to risk losing my family. And I can’t help but be afraid that I’ll lose Nate and Laura if I come out to them.” He swallowed. “If I haven’t lost them already.”
“Then wait, but don’t wait too long.” Carrie cocked her head to one side. “What if learning the truth helps them see our divorce in a different light?”
Joel had wondered the same thing, but he wasn’t brave enough yet to try out the theory.
“You’ve lost weight,” Carrie commented. “I’d say at least thirty pounds.”
Joel laughed. “Forty-five.” He hadn’t started on a new regime with the intention of pulling guys, but he couldn’t deny the thought had been there at the back of his mind.
“Don’t lose any more though, hmm? You don’t want to be too thin.” Her brow furrowed. “You were trying to lose weight, right? It hasn’t just dropped off of you.”
“Relax. My doc has been on to me for a while now to lose weight to improve my blood pressure, cholesterol, and my heart health in general.”
“Ah, so it’s not part of some plan to catch a guy. Unless, of course, you’ve already caught one.” Carrie peered at him. “Is there anyone… special?”
“No. But to be honest, I haven’t been looking.” He grinned. “Bramble is part of Megan’s plan to find me a man. She thinks the sight of me walking my dog will draw the gay gays like flies to honey.”
Carrie laughed loudly. “That sounds like something she’d come up with. And what makes her the expert?”
Joel stroked his chin. “Maybe the fact she’s a lesbian? You think that might have something to do with it?”
Carrie’s eyes gleamed. “Inside knowledge, is that it?”
“I’d hate to burst Megan’s bubble, but while I’m sure Bramble would make for a great guy magnet, the doc’s suggestion of regular walks and getting a dog as a companion to improve my mental health might have had more to do with it.” Despite his irritation at her scheming, it warmed him that Megan was looking out for him. “I think Megan just wants me to be happy.”
She sighed heavily. “That’s what I want, too. I can’t help thinking that if I hadn’t asked you to marry me, you’d have been better off.”
“I said yes, didn’t I?” Joel leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “And don’t forget, I asked you out.” Carrie bit back a smile that piqued his curiosity. “What went through your mind just now?”
“Oh, I was recalling how we went from meeting to getting engaged three months later, and all that time I thought you were such a gentleman for not trying to get me into bed.” Carrie narrowed her gaze. “I’m the only woman you’ve ever slept with, aren’t I?”
Joel nodded.
“Our sex life wasn’t much, was it? Frankly, I’m amazed we managed to produce Nate and Laura.” Carrie stared at him. “Can I ask something personal?”
“After twenty years, you get to ask whatever you like.” He’d expected more questions when he came out to her.
“How did you… you know… if you knew deep down you preferred men?”
Joel blinked. “Are you asking me how I could… perform with a woman?” When she nodded, his heartbeat quickened. “I’m not sure that’s something you should hear.”
Carrie widened her eyes. “Hey, I want to know. I was a part of it, remember?”
Joel drew in a deep breath. “Okay. When we were having sex… I was thinking about guys.” His face tingled.
Carrie’s breathing hitched, and she blinked a few times in rapid succession. “Well. I asked, right?”
“I’m sorry. I should’ve kept my mouth shut.” The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her.