For a long minute, Parker didn’t say anything. I needed her to say something, and that need had my heart pounding my rib cage. Like a fucking ass, I needed her not to hate me. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Not when she was everywhere I turned, her very existence captivating me since the moment I came home.
“Thank you for bringing Nox home.” Without a hint of sarcasm, Parker’s gratitude was enough to force me to sit back down in the chair next to her bed. “Why are you here, Remy?”
I practically swallowed my tongue. “I already told you.”
"No," Parker corrected me. "You came in and gave me a half-assed apology for being the same asshole that you've always been. There's another reason you're here, and I want to know what it is."
Since the day I met Parker, she could see straight through my soul and rip out my real feelings without even trying. To be fair, she could do it with every person in her life, not just me. But it was one more reminder of why she could be the most dangerous person in my life.
"I'm not sure." The sigh that left my lips could have come from a teenage girl lamenting her first breakup. "I was driving home after shift, and I pulled into the parking lot. Some stupid need to make sure that you were okay, especially after I said it was probably your fault you fell." I coughed, rubbing an imaginary ache in my chest. "I figured you slipped and fell, Parker. I had no clue until I took the report and saw the video, exactly what happened. And I'm sorry that I assumed you were the same clumsy girl that you've always been." There, I said it. Finally, I had apologized for what happened, and I truly meant it. Now, I could leave.
Except I didn't get up, and Daisy didn't even twitch from her spot on the ground.
Parker slipped into another bout of silence and I couldn't bring myself to leave. Nor did I interrupt her much-needed sleep.
“I’m not sleeping.” She read my mind. Again. “Just sore.”
“You hit your head pretty hard,” I whispered, trying to keep my voice down. “I thought you might need a friend.”
“You’re not my friend, Remy.” Her words cut through me like a knife to the gut. “You stopped being my friend the day you broke my heart and Danny took my soul. You hated me.”
“No, I didn’t.” Lie. I had, and the silence hanging between us called me out on my blatant lie more than Parker could have if she’d said it herself.
“You never answered any of the letters I sent you. From boot camp, all the way up until you came home, Remy. I wrote you, Linc, and Danny. Every single week. You never sent me anything back. Friends don’t cut friends out of their lives, Remy. You’re not my friend. If you were my friend you would have been there for me during the worst time of my life.” Parker never raised her voice as she spoke, nor did she look at me. But her words might as well have been tattooed on my fucking face, for how much they hurt.
Tell her. Tell her everything.
I opened my mouth, ready to do it. Ready to give her the truth. Then I looked down at her hand, and I saw the bracelet made of string sitting there on her wrist, the one I’d given her in fifth grade as a promise to be friends forever. After that, I couldn’t stay.
"I never got a single letter from you, Parker." Lie.
I walked straight out of that hospital room without looking back and swore that I would never tell her the truth. She couldn't know. My entire world relied on the fact that Parker didn't know the truth about our friendship.
Daisy ignored me the entire way home, clearly upset that I took her away from the only person she actually liked. She marched right down the hall as soon as I opened the front door, and there wasn't a single doubt in my mind that she would have my pillow in her mouth in a matter of seconds.
The photo on my wall called out, haunting me with its existence, just like it did every night. I leaned against the wall next to it, right next to Danny.
"I'm sorry, Danny. I can't do it. She's going to destroy me without even trying. Just like she always has."
His smile, the same one that lived in my nightmares, flashed through my mind as I tapped my head against the wall, over and over again.
"Good," I imagined him saying in response. "It's about time that you were forced to face your demons."
"I don't have any demons."
"Yeah, right. What do you call Parker then?"
Unable to help myself, I opened my eyes and turned to see her there, smiling at my mom while she took our photo. That was the last time I saw her smile. Seven years ago, and it felt like a lifetime.
I closed my eyes in a futile attempt to get away from the pain I'd caused myself. Instead, the memories came back again, like they lived in my soul.
"Come on." Danny grinned like a fool the night before we graduated from boot camp. "We're all writing letters home, Remy. You can't tell me that your mom wouldn't love to hear from you. Your sisters. Casper and Cassie keep sending you shit, and you don't even send them a note to thank them. Even Parker’s sent us letters every week. You won’t even write her?”
I glared him into silence, mostly because he was right. What the fuck was I supposed to say to them, though? What was I supposed to say to Parker?
“You’re right,” I huffed. "But I'm not happy about it. I’ll write a letter once a week, if it makes you happy.”
"You're never happy about anything." He sighed deeply as we stood together outside our bunk. "I can't believe we get to go home, Remy. Shit's crazy. I can't wait to see everyone. It’s been the longest two months ever.”
"Yeah." I couldn't say anything else. The only person I wanted to see wouldn't even be there, and it was all my fault. I should have called her. Or written.
"I can't wait to get out of here." He turned to face me with a shrewd expression. “How about you? Did you tell her how you feel?”
The door to our bunk opened behind me before I could answer, and our conversation was cut short by Linc's arrival.
"I fuckin' hate this place." He rubbed the back of his head. "Can't get a decent nap, the pillows are shit, and the toilet paper feels like I'm rubbing sandpaper against my ass."
"You're in the Marine Corps." I leaned back and let my head rest against the wall. "What did you expect to happen?"
"I don't know. But at least tomorrow everyone will be here.”
I walked away without looking back. When I was finally alone, I pulled the single sheet of paper from the envelope it’d come in.
Dear Remy,
I was going to wait until I saw you at graduation to tell you. Then you left, and I couldn’t. I’m going to miss you. More than you know. More than I should. I know we’re only friends, that we’ve only EVER been friends, but I want more. Maybe… Maybe we could be more? Can we talk when you get home? Just let me know, and I’ll be there.
I’m yours, I think.
Parker
The memories were too much. Parker was too much. Which is why I found myself rooting in the back of my closet at two a.m. to find the shoebox that was more important than anything else in my life. My heart raced as I pulled out the stack of weathered envelopes.