Prologue
Screams coming from downstairs wake me up. I rub my eyes and look at the pink My Little Pony alarm clock my daddy put on my nightstand. It reads: 3:30. I know it’s not afternoon because there is no light shining through my windows. I throw off my covers and run to the door, opening it quietly. I look down the hall and see that mommy and daddy’s bedroom door is open. That’s when I hear the loud noises. Bang. Bang. Bang. Three. That’s how many I hear. I try to make myself scream, but I can’t. I’ve heard that noise before, it’s the noise that happens when my daddy’s gun goes off. That’s the noise that happens before the deer stops blinking.
But there are no deer here.
I run downstairs and pass the pink Happy Birthday banner daddy was putting up for me before bedtime. When I get to the kitchen, I see a man walking to the door carrying someone over his shoulder. The person he’s carrying is wearing my daddy’s PJs, but his head is covered. I gasp loudly when I look at the floor and see my mommy.
“Mommy!” I shriek. “Mommy!” but she doesn’t look up from the pool of red water she’s laying in. The smell makes my tummy ache. I kneel down beside her and start shaking her as I crinkle my nose. I look up when I hear footsteps and see a man that I don’t know. He has one blue eye and one shiny eye. I don’t like him. He’s giving me a mean look. Behind him there’s a boy I’ve seen before. We look at each other for a long time; he looks blurry through my tears, but I can make out his big green eyes. The shiny eyed man yanks him by his arm and leaves. He yells something, but the noise in my ears doesn’t let me hear it. I keep shaking mommy until another man comes in, a nice looking man with yellow hair, like mine, and pretty sky blue eyes. He touches my face lightly as tears stream down his face. “Close your eyes, baby girl,” he whispers. And I do. I open them back up when he pinches my arm. He lifts me in his arms, and I realize he’s taking me away from mommy. “Mommy!” I shout as I try to squirm away, but he hugs me tighter. My eyes are starting to feel heavy. I try to keep them open to search for light, but I know I’ll never find it.
Chapter 1
Present
I open my eyes to the dark and shoot up into a sitting position. My chest is heaving, and my body is dripping in sweat. I put my hands over my heart in hopes of getting it to slow down as I gulp deep breaths in between heavy pants.
I hope I didn’t scream. I hope I didn’t scream.
I listen for footsteps, but the only sounds I hear are coming from the torrential downpour outside my window. I try to get my eyes to focus on my surroundings, but I can only make out the little red numbers illuminated on the black alarm clock on my dresser. 3:30. That number haunts me.
I take a deep breath again and plop my body back down on the bed. I’ve been having the same nightmare for the past twenty-one years. My new therapist prescribed a sleeping pill that’s been helping me sleep dreamlessly. Tonight, it isn’t enough though—not that anything ever will be. If the nightmare was just that—a nightmare—it wouldn’t hurt so much. If I could understand it, maybe it would hurt less—maybe more, who knows. No amount of counseling is ever going to make me feel safe anywhere. I can’t sleep without my bedroom door locked and double-bolted. I can’t go anywhere without a wooden baseball bat in my car and a can of pepper spray in my purse. I don’t feel safe anywhere—not even in my dreams.
A minute later I hear him pounding on my door. This is the issue with having a roommate. I sigh, getting up to open it.
“Are you okay, Cowboy? I heard you scream,” Aubry asks as his concerned blue eyes search my face.
“I’m good, Aub. Go back to sleep; it’s still early,” I reply with a weak smile, hoping that appeases him enough.
He takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his shaggy dirty-blond hair. “I’d feel better if you’d let me stay here. Besides, Cole would kill me if I leave you alone right now.”
I roll my eyes at that. “Aubry, Cole’s in New York, and he’s nobody to kill you over leaving me alone.”
He shakes his head dismissively and pushes past me to step into my room. Aubry and I have been best friends since we met thirteen years ago when I moved into Maggie’s house. She is Aubry’s adoptive mother and my guardian. Both of us attended The University of Chicago, so it was only natural that we would room together. That was seven years ago, and we’ve been living together ever since. He now works for an up-and-coming advertising agency, and I’m a third-year law student at Loyola University.
“Where’s Haley?” I ask as I walk back to bed.
“She left. We broke up. Long story. We’ll talk about it later,” he replies as he looks around my room, probably trying to locate my extra comforter.
I sigh. “Aub, really, I’m fine now. I’ll get a glass of water, and I’ll be fine. Promise.”
He stops and searches my face again before sighing and shaking his head. “Alright, Blake, you know where to find me. If it happens again, though—”
“I know. Here,” I interrupt as I give him the key to my room. He gives me a kiss on the head before closing the door and locking it behind him.
I switch on the television while yawning and stretching my back. I should find reruns of SportsCenter on right now, which is exactly what I need. When I find the channel, I smile at the sight of Cole in his sharp navy suit and tie. I let his smooth voice soothe me as I drift back to sleep. Later, I feel my bed sink and wake with a start. What is Aubry doing? I turn to see Cole grinning widely as he shows me the key I’d given Aubry earlier. After a couple of minutes of staring at him, I realize I’m not dreaming and launch myself at him, sobbing uncontrollably.
“It’s okay, baby. I’m here now. Everything’s okay,” he coos as he caresses my back.
I climb on top of his lap and let him cocoon me in his protective arms.
I hate crying. It makes me feel weak. Unfortunately for him, I only let myself cry in front of Cole. Lately my nightmares have gotten more detailed and my lack of sleep is starting to affect my life. Most days I feel like a walking zombie. I’ve been living on a 5-Hour Energy diet for the past month. I’m not even sure if I’m remembering things or making them up as I go. I feel like my reality and my nightmare are meshing together, and it’s only a matter of time before I drive myself crazy with all of it.
“This one was so real, Cole,” I say in between sobs.
He continues to stroke my hair. He doesn’t have to say anything to me; he’s been dealing with my nightmares for a long time.
“I know, baby. Go to sleep. I’m here now; nobody will hurt you,” Cole says softly into my hair.
It isn’t until I wake up a third time and feel an arm wrapped around my body that I register that Cole’s sleeping with me. I turn sideways in his death grip, so I can watch him sleep for a little while. Watching him sleep is an old favorite pastime of mine. When we were younger, I used to do it all the time if I had trouble going back to sleep.
I study the way his long brown eyelashes fan his golden cheeks. His defined jaw and twice-broken nose that accent his features perfectly. The short chestnut brown hair I used to love to run my hands through. His full pink lips are slightly parted. My eyes drift down from his face to his toned muscular arms down his naked chest to his taut stomach that he works so hard to maintain and they land on the V that leads to his masculinity, where my fingers itch to touch him.