Upstairs, I stand in my room, looking around at everything as if I’ve never seen it before. The last time I was here feels like it might as well have been a week ago.
A year ago.
A lifetime ago.
Everything is different now. It’s so different from when I was just trying to figure out how to get into Sloan’s laptop. So different from when I had a plan. Now I have no idea what comes next, no tangible goal to hold on to.
When I step into the bathroom and flip on the light, I have to stare at my own reflection for a minute as I try to process what I’m seeing. I barely recognize myself in the mirror. Like I thought, I’m a fucking mess.
Leaves and twigs are tangled in my hair, and my lips are still red and bruised from Sloan’s kisses. There are hickies and bite marks on my neck, and my wrists are red and raw from the rough ropes. Sloan’s cum is still in me, dripping down my inner thigh and soaked into my underwear.
I don’t know how all of this can exist in the same person. How I could’ve just fucked Sloan moments after he was supposed to kill me. How I could’ve liked it, and come so hard, with the gun he pointed at my head lying just inches away.
I shake my head and shove those thoughts away. Dwelling on it now isn’t going to help anything. It’s in the past, effectively, and there’s enough shit ahead of us that I should probably be focused on all of that instead.
Really, I don’t want to focus on anything, don’t want to think about anything. My brain refuses to process any more information, and I let my mind go blank while I undress, leaving my dirty, stained clothes in a heap on the floor before stepping under the spray of hot water in the shower.
The water feels good on my tired muscles, even when it bites into the scrapes and cuts I got from rolling around in the dirt. I wash it all off of me, watching the water swirl down the drain. If only it was so easy to wash everything away. To cleanse my soul of all the shit it’s been through, to wring it out and start fresh with a clean fucking slate.
But of course it isn’t. Life doesn’t work that way.
After lathering soap over my entire body, I tackle my hair next, getting all the debris out of it before I wash it, and when I step out of the shower into the steam-filled bathroom, I feel a little bit better. A little bit more human.
My hair gets a rough towel dry, and I wrap a towel around myself before stepping back into my bedroom, intent on putting on pajamas and maybe just going to bed. I’d love to pull the blankets over my head and forget about the whole damn world for a while.
But Rory and Levi are both there, arms crossed and expressions hard.
Even without meaning to, I’ve been getting closer to each of them over the past weeks, the barriers coming down between us to allow for moments of softness that I never would’ve expected. But there’s none of the usual warmth in their eyes when they look at me now, and neither of them even reacts to the fact that I’m just wearing a towel.
They’re upset, obviously, and I can’t blame them.
This is the first chance we’ve had to really talk since they found out what I’ve been doing, and the looks on their faces make it clear they want an explanation.
“What the fuck, Mercy?” Rory asks, and the fact that he uses my actual name instead of calling me “Hurricane” is a dead giveaway.
They’re mad at Sloan for almost killing me, but they’re clearly also pissed at me for lying to them all this time.
I sigh and push damp hair out of my face.
“It’s… a long story,” I tell them.
“Well, we don’t plan on leaving until we’ve heard it,” Levi shoots back firmly, his eyes hard. His dark brown hair is a bit disheveled, as if he’s been running his hands through it.
I nod, because that’s actually pretty fucking fair. They deserve the truth. After everything that’s happened, I at least owe them that.
“I followed Sloan,” I say, speaking slowly as I try to organize my thoughts. “The night he pretended to kill my dad. I saw it all happen.”
They know the basics already. They got the extremely bare-bones explanation for what’s been going on when they walked in on me and Sloan in the middle of a fight, me with no shirt on and both of us pissed as fuck. So they’re aware that I’ve been working against them, and that I’m the reason the Jackals were able to take the Black Roses’ accountant, Alex, and steal all that cash from the Black Roses.
But I need to make them truly understand what I thought happened. What I thought I was up against.
“I was trying to find out where he was going,” I continue. “I overheard him on the phone, and I wanted to know who he was talking to. I wanted to know something. Anything. He went out to an empty lot on the development side of town, and… my dad was there. You remember how worried I was about him.”
Levi nods, because he was the one I talked to about it the most. The one who had promised to try to help him, to see if Gavin would let him out of the deal he was forced into by the Black Roses.
“I thought maybe Sloan was trying to help. Trying to get him out of whatever Gavin had him doing. They talked for a minute or so, and then…” I trail off, my gut churning. Remembering it now, even knowing my dad is alive and fine, is still hard. “I saw Sloan point a gun at him and fire. There was so much blood, and my dad fell. And then Sloan put his body in the trunk of his car and drove off.”
My throat tightens around the words, and I swallow hard before I go on, my heart picking up its pace in my chest.
“It wasn’t real, but I didn’t know that then. All I knew was that the only person I had left, the person who had raised me and done everything for me, was gone. And it looked a hell of a lot like Sloan had just murdered him. I came back to the house, and when he got here, he just… acted like everything was fine. Like nothing had happened. It fucked me up pretty bad. I didn’t know if I could say anything, because what if he killed me, too? What if the two of you were in on it? Every day was just me trying to walk the line between figuring out what was going on and not giving away that I knew. While wanting to do nothing else but lock myself in my room and cry.”
It’s a long winded explanation, but in a way, it feels good to finally be able to say these things. After grappling with it alone for so fucking long, being able to talk about how hurt and scared and sad I was is almost therapeutic.
“I’m sorry,” I continue, my voice low and rough. “I really am. I was so fucked up over losing my dad that it gave me tunnel vision. I just wanted to do something, to not let his death slip by unnoticed and unavenged. But I didn’t want to hurt either of you.”
Something like disbelief passes over Rory’s face, and I take a step closer to where they’re standing. “I mean it. You have no idea how torn I was the whole time. How… messed up I felt. Every step I took made me stop and think about how I was going to drag you two into this, and I hated that. But I know my intentions don’t really matter, because I did hurt you. And I’m sorry.”
I mean that more than I can make them see, probably, but all I really have is my words. I can’t show them the pain and struggle I’ve been going through for the last few weeks, so all I can do is hope they won’t hate me for it forever.
The two of them are quiet for a while after that, and I stand there, waiting for whatever judgement they’re going to give. Rory’s brow is furrowed, and Levi just looks kind of blank, eyes downcast.