It would take more than a party to earn the trust and respect of the club. The road would be long and wide on that one.
The brothers and their women surrounded my parents’ SUV on the drive home. The respect, though, was for our country—the red, white, and blue. I got that. I accepted that. And seeing the flag on the back of a few bikes was a reminder of everything I’d been through. Everything that had changed. Everything that was worth anything.
This was family. Come hell or high water, I’d face it head-on to fix what I had fucked up.
2
Ensley
“Remy, get back here.” My little girl ran through the apartment, laughing so hard she had to gasp for breath every once in a while.
Arms in the air, her little naked bottom on display, she took off down the small hallway and turned the corner into the tiny galley kitchen which was her faulty move. There was no out this way, only a wall to block her escape. This was both one of my favorite times of the day with her and the most exhausting. She was only going to be little so long, and I wanted to be present for every second of it all. Working full time and raising a rambunctious little one meant sleep was never plentiful. Chasing her around our small place was fun even if I was more than ready for a quiet moment to myself.
The apartment was tiny, and with three people living here, space was tight. Two bedrooms and one bath set in the town of Sumner, Georgia. The middle of nowhere, yet the middle of somewhere; if that made any sense. It was exactly what we needed—a safe, secure place to live.
Remy squealed and squirmed as I picked her up, tossing her into the air. I blew raspberries on her belly as she tried to squirm out of my arms. “I’ll teach you to run away from me.”
She laughed the entire way down to our bedroom, which was about ten feet. Remy and I shared the postage-sized space. With a double bed for me, a small dresser and Remy’s crib, there was barely any room to walk around, but it was functional. I’d utilized the space by taking the doors off the closet and positioned the dresser inside. Considering there was an entire wall of closets, we were able to hang our clothes on the other side and still have room underneath. I added shelving inside the closet above the dresser for more storage.
It was mostly my baby girl’s toys that cluttered the room. We were still working on her cleaning up her messes. Considering she didn’t like that one bit, maybe I’d get her to do it by the time she was twenty. Maybe. I chose to pick my battles, and this one wasn’t something I would stress over.
I didn’t have many possessions, clothes for work and home, a single piece of jewelry from my mother, a box of the meager mementos from my past and a few pictures. That was it, but I didn’t need anything because I had Remy. She was my light in the dark and the reason I got up in the morning. ‘Stuff’ wasn’t my thing. People were important. When it was all at risk before, I clung to hope and fought to have this life with my daughter. These moments were what mattered, and I would forever be grateful for all of them.
I held my people close to me, never to let go no matter what I had to do to make it possible. It was a bit of a downfall for me, but the way I was raised it was reasonable. Walking away from everything I knew taught me what was important. The lesson had been a painful one, but it made me the woman, and more importantly the mother, I was today.
Remy bounced on the bed as I sat her on it. “I’m gonna eat you,” I teased, opening and closing my mouth like some crazy ass monster was in fact going to eat her. She turned over on her belly and started to make a dash to the top of the bed, kicking her feet, but I jumped on the bed and wrapped her in my arms.
Into her neck, I pretended to ‘eat,’ all the while kissing and making crazy sounds.
It was one thing I absolutely loved about being a mom, being silly and stupid all to make my baby girl laugh, which was in my opinion the best sound ever. Remy would never have a childhood like mine. She would never live that life. That, I’d live and die for.
“Mommy!” she cried out as I laid her back on the bed.
“You have to put your clothes on, bug.”
“Nakeee!” she yelled at the top of her lungs, causing me to burst out laughing.
That was Remy. She’d stay naked all the time if I let her. Hopefully, I could break this habit before she’d grow up and decide she’d want to be a streaker.
I was pretty sure how to prevent streakers wasn’t on Google. And if it was, color me stupid. Rather than fight her, I figured this was a phase that would pass in time … kind of like sucking her thumb. Another battle I hadn’t yet chose to fight.
“I know you, bug, but you can’t run around completely naked because you’ll pee on my floor.”
“No.” Her head shook back and forth rapidly, but I knew my girl. While there were times she wanted to ‘sit’ on the potty, she wasn’t there yet. She’d get sidetracked and pee all down her legs on to the carpet. Then we’d have to do bath time again and repeat the entire process with the addition of cleaning the carpet.
Grabbing a diaper, her head continued to shake. “Sorry, baby, but until you go potty on the big potty all the time; you need to wear this.”
“Ickee.”
“If you think so, then tell Mommy when you have to go, and I’ll take you to the potty.” I’d read online that children really didn’t start potty training until they were in their later twos to early threes. Was it bad I wasn’t ready for my little girl to grow up so fast? It felt like I just had her yesterday, and that step turned her officially into a kid. No thank you. She’d always be my baby no matter what.
As much as it would kill, I wouldn’t stop her either. Knowing that watching her grow was truly a gift, my soul simply appreciated each milestone.
“I go.”
Damn, I loved hearing her words. She was beginning to talk in short bursts of sentences, but it was mostly one word at a time. Every day it was something new with her. Like an adventure waiting to see what would be next.
“You tell Mommy, and we’ll go.”
Fastening her diaper, I pulled a shirt over her head. “See, that’s not so bad.”
She stood up, wrapped her chubby little arms around my neck, and squeezed me hard. I loved those hugs. It made everything, the good, bad, and ugly worth it. That one hug ruled my world.
“Hello!”
Remy’s head lifted at the sound of the female voice as she released me, rolled to her tummy, then inched off the bed. This was another new one, climbing off the bed by herself, and she landed on her feet every time. Not a single stumble. It made my heart stop each time, fearing she’d hurt herself.
Remy made some sounds while she moved, but the one I could make out was “KayKay!”
“There’s my girl!”
Entering the living room, my sister Katie stood there hugging my daughter tightly, a wide smile on her face. Katie loved Remy just as much as I did. She proved it every single day. No one better in this world to have at my side than Katie. She was my calm in every storm. She was my strength through so much, but especially with my journey to having Remy here today.
“How’s it going?” she asked me, rocking Remy back and forth like she did every evening when she came in.