I tried to get there in time to do something or help him, but I was too far behind and thus had to watch in horror the reaping of my actions. He landed in the hole with a crack. I closed my eyes. cringing back.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
“I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” I hauled ass to where he was, trying to assess the situation.
Jensen lay half in and half out of the hole, all twisted, feet in the air. He grunted and spit snow. “I think I broke something.”
“Jesus.” I crouched beside the hole, trying to figure out how I could help him. I didn’t want to move him and make it worse or fall on top of him. “What did you break?”
Both our phones were inside and it was going to take ages for anyone to get here. I was going to have to call my brother to help me. He was the only one who would be able to get up here. I scrubbed a hand over my face not wanting to explain to him why Jensen had been snowed in with me.
“My dignity. My self-esteem. Probably my pride as well.” He rolled over, grabbing at the snow and getting one foot down into the hole to straighten himself up.
“You fucking scared me!”
“You knocked me into a damn hole.”
“Right,” I said sheepishly.
He grunted again and got his other foot in the hole, getting himself upright again. “There will be retaliation for that.” His words sent a shiver down my spine.
“What kind?”
“You don’t get to know.” He gave me a pointed look before dusting himself off and retrieving his snowshoe shovel. He made quick work of making enough space to get the door open a couple of inches, then used the grabber to get the bag off his passenger seat. He sat in the space once he had it in hand. “Now how the fuck am I going to get out of here?”
“What if I hold your hand and help you step out of it onto the shoe like we did with the door?”
“Worth a try, but stay back from the edge, otherwise we’ll both be stuck.”
I did as he told me and reached, leaning back as much as I could. He used the top of his Jeep and my hand to hoist himself out.
“Woohoo!” I said, this time without the jump with him standing beside me.
He laughed. “Come on.” He slung the backpack over one shoulder and headed around the side of the house.
“Where are you going?”
“To load some firewood near your back door.”
“Oh! You are smart.”
“Park ranger, I told you.”
I followed after him, taking my time navigating over the drifts. The roads had to be a mess. At least town was a little more sheltered. Up here on the side of the mountain, I didn’t have much protecting me.
Jensen was loading firewood near the backdoor when I made it around the corner. Such a strange juxtaposition between him and my ex. My ex was an English major and the first time he’d come up here to visit after I’d moved back, he’d been horrified about the work involved in living in a remote place.
Jensen had an entire stack of firewood near the door in no time. I tried to help but he waved me off, telling me I’d get in the way. He set his backpack next to the pile and turned on me. There was a glisten on his forehead and his cheeks were flush from the exercise.
“Come on.” He grabbed my hand and led me towards the back of my property.
“Where are we going?”
“For a walk. I think we both could use some time out of the cabin and the weather is nice.” He kept his hand in mine and led me towards one of the trails that lead into the preserve. There were hundreds and hundreds of miles of trails all around the town. It was part of Jensen’s job to maintain them and I bet he knew them as well as my brother did.
“Where does this trail go?” I asked when we were under the shade of the massive pines edging my yard. I was already feeling better the further away from the house we got. Less caged in and the tightness in my chest started to ease. Was this the reason Jensen wanted to walk? I wasn’t sure I wanted to ask him.
“Never taken it?”
“I come to walk out here sometimes, but usually I’m reading and slow. I don’t get far.”
“I’m imagining you tripping and breaking yourself on this trail while reading and no one finding you for a month.”
“I’d crawl back before that,” I said with a huff.
“Before or after you’re eaten by a mountain lion?” he asked.
“I’m all skin and bones. They want someone meaty like you.”
“They always go after the weak ones. You should know that.” Jensen’s laugh accompanied his words and it echoed through the trees.
The air around him was as infectious as it always had been. It took me back to high school, and riding with the windows down. How intoxicating it was to be in his vicinity. I grabbed the moment with both hands like it could slip through my grasp and float away with the breeze blowing through the trees.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked.
“The past.” There were too many emotions and thoughts to put into words without admitting I wanted us to work. There was a weight of impossibility there, hanging on my heart.
“Very informative. Riveting.” He side-eyed me.
“Not everything needs to be said out loud.” I scoffed. “What do I owe you anyway?”
“Not a thing, apparently.” He released my hand, bringing his together and blowing in them.
There was weight in the emptiness. I tucked my hands in my pockets, focusing on each step I took. Every time I thought I’d accepted things another pebble fell off, snatched away, leaving my heart emptier than it had been before.
Quick movement caught my eye and I turned towards the snapping of a branch, ice running through my veins, freezing me in place. “What was that?” I whispered under my breath.
“Could be the mountain lion den I’m leading you towards so I can toss you inside.”
“Funny, I was leading you there for the same reason. Yeet you right into it.” I stared him down.
“As if you could toss me into a lion's den. You have no chance of winning a fight with me.” Jensen laughed again, lightening the mood. “And yeet isn’t a word.”
“Is so and I’m obviously going to kill you first. Why do you think I lured you away from my house, so I don’t have blood in there?” It was impossible to keep a straight face, but I did my best to school my features.
“You couldn’t lift one of my thighs and you’re too squeamish of blood to hack me to pieces. I’ve clearly won this breakup. Ha!”
I was sure he hadn’t meant anything by the breakup comment, but it was a cut to my heart. We fell silent, taking in the landscape crested with snow.
“I’ve been thinking about the past a lot as well.”
“Oh?” I wasn’t sure why he was back on this train of thought.
“Do you remember running into me Christmas two years ago? You were here visiting Adam.”
“Of course I do. You were there drinking with him before my parents came up the next day.” He’d stayed long after everyone else left.
“I thought about you every day last year. And then when you moved back, I knew it was my time. I was going to ask you out the day I got home and then I saw you eating at Sally’s with your boyfriend. I didn’t think I could compete with a city boy.”