“I thought I did at the time, but I was wrong. Were you in love with Lorelai?”
I thought so, but I was wrong or she wasn’t the person I thought she was. It was a complicated question with no easy answer. “We started off dating in college, it fell into an easy pattern, studying in our dorm rooms, parties on the weekends, walking to and from class together. She quickly became the first and last person I thought of when I woke and when I went to sleep. Our last year of college, we planned a future together. We were real with each other, comfortable. I loved her. I’m not sure she was the same person by the time she was sleeping with Damon.”
Her brow arched. “Do you still believe in love?”
“Yes. I do. I think we met young and we changed into different people. I just wish she’d told me that before she did what she did. Do you?”
“I believe in being happy and content with myself. If a guy comes along, then great, but I haven’t met anyone like that. Someone worth putting myself out there for.”
Her words sent a sharp stabbing pain through my heart. She didn’t know what love was because she’d never felt it from her parents or brother. The one time she opened herself up to someone, he hurt her. She’d encased her heart with barriers so that no one could penetrate. She didn’t let anyone in. “You’re content being by yourself.”
“I’ve never been obsessed with anyone. I would think that’s what love is, like you said, wanting to be with them all the time. Forgoing your passions for someone else’s.”
“Not exactly.” She’d simplified it and forgotten the most important part. “When you’re in love, you’ll want to do things to make the other person happy, but your partner will want to keep what makes you happy too. You blend your lives together. It takes effort and commitment. It doesn’t always work out.” It wasn’t always passionate, rip your clothes off sex, other times it was a comfortable intimacy, something I missed.
“I hope it works out for you. You seem like a nice guy who’s had some shitty things happen to him lately.”
Her words were nice, yet distancing at the same time. She was a master of turning things back on me, making me forget what I wanted to know. “Have you ever given anyone a chance?”
“I just told you I dated someone for a year. You know how that turned out. How is that not a chance?” Her voice was brittle as if that experience had hardened her.
“You might have been with him physically, but were you present mentally and emotionally?”
“I’d like to think I was.” She looked away as if she was unable to meet my eyes, telling me I was close to the truth.
I gentled my voice wanting to reach her, wanting her to let me in, hoping I wasn’t making a mistake suggesting she’d closed herself off to the possibility of love, closeness. “I think you don’t know how to do that. Your parents were cold, you said you spent your childhood alone. Maybe you don’t know how to let someone in. You expect to be kept at a distance, so that’s what you do with other people.”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I should have kept it to myself. It might have been the truth, and I tried to soften it, but I should have waited, taken my time to break through her barriers.
She leaned back, her eyes shuttered.
Avery
His words cut through me, slicing through my carefully woven armor. How did this man I barely knew think he knew anything about me? I stood, smoothing the skirt of my dress. “I better go see if Hadley needs me.”
He stood, grabbing my hand. “I’m sorry. I was out of line.”
He was, but it didn’t matter. I stood tall, tugging my hand from his. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
The familiar cold wrapped around my heart, encasing it, protecting it. No one would be able to cut me down or lessen my place in the world. Never again.
I walked several steps away before he touched my back, stopping me in my tracks. “Don’t run away. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” My words were carefully measured, controlled.
“I think I did and I’m sorry about that. Will you forgive me? Will you give me another chance?”
I turned slightly toward him. “You’re forgiven. We’re good.”
He gave me a sad smile that did more to break through the ice than any of his sweet words.
“I better find Hadley.” If I gave into this attraction to Griffin, he’d demand more than my exes had. He wants all of me, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my love. I wasn’t capable of that.
I found Hadley and Dylan by the silent auction items, gathering the bids, compiling the data, noting the winners.
“Are you ready to make the announcement?” Dylan asked Hadley.
“I am.”
“Sorry I wasn’t around more to help.” If I’d been more focused on the auction, I wouldn’t have been alone with Griffin. He wouldn’t have said those words that rung clear in my head, like a church bell on a cold crisp day.
“You looked like you were having a deep conversation with Griffin. We didn’t want to interrupt. Plus, we can handle tallying some numbers. No big deal,” Dylan said.
I wanted to argue. I wanted to say we weren’t having a meaningful discussion but I didn’t want to call more attention to whatever was going on between us. When had I ever been at a party, able to block out everything around me? Griffin broke through my anxiety, making me focus on him, and nothing else.
My reaction to him confused me which meant it was a bad idea to spend time with him. My eyes caught his across the room as he stood next to Cade. His eyes were shrewd, knowing. He knew I was retreating.
“Let’s do this.”
We walked to the podium together. Our plan was to stand together, Hadley giving a speech, thanking everyone for coming, updating them on her progress in Annapolis, then announcing the winners. As I stood next to Dylan, it was apparent that we’d had a great turnout. I recognized a few members of the press that had shown up to events for Morrison Rebuilds. There were even some school board members and the state superintendent.
It was encouraging. I was proud to stand next to these women working toward this goal of getting this program into every school. For once in my life, I was doing something that wasn’t solely for myself.
My eyes snagged Griffin’s knowing ones. He thought he’d figured me out, but he had no idea. I never doubted my capacity to love. I was afraid—afraid my feelings wouldn’t be returned, that I’d be alone in a relationship. I’d rather be on my own than living with someone but in an empty relationship. That’s how I felt living with my parents.
That was something he couldn’t understand. He had a loving family, he took care of his nephew. He’d had love before he lost it. What was the point of searching for something you’d never experienced, you’d never have?
When he ducked out of the fundraiser early, I told myself it was for the best. He had a nephew to care for and I had my firm and Kids Speak. He’d broken through my defenses, made me feel things I’d kept tapped down for years, but I wouldn’t let him in. I’d been burned too many times.