In one of those boxes was a shoebox. She thought of that shoebox now, what it contained, then pushed it from her mind.
Jade jumped to her feet and returned with an open bag of cheese-flavoured nacho chips that she flung onto the couch between them. The leather made a farting noise as she sat down again. Jade was jabbering on about the celebrity guest on the television, telling Maddie that she looked like a pool inflatable from all the plastic surgery she’d had. Maddie looked at the screen and could see what Jade meant. The woman was stretched and plumped, her face pulled tight like an inflated balloon, but Maddie would never say that out loud. Well, maybe to Greg, who would laugh conspiratorially and tell her she was being bitchy.
Jade’s hand was diving in and out of the chip bag as she munched loudly. ‘Actually, I should tweet that. It’d be a laugh!’ She leapt up, licked the orange dust from her fingers enthusiastically and grabbed her phone from the coffee table. Her fingers flew across the touchscreen, typing furiously. When she was finished, she threw the phone back down. ‘Are you on Twitter? You should follow me.’
‘Don’t you worry about posting stuff and people getting upset?’
‘Oh please, celebrities deserve it! They get paid enough and if they didn’t like it, they wouldn’t put themselves in front of the cameras all the time. Besides, it’s just a bit of a laugh.’ Jade’s T-shirt had ridden up and her rounded belly was on show, like a rubber ring over the waistband of her tracksuit pants. Maddie wondered what Jade would think if she posted about that. She probably wouldn’t find it that funny. She had what looked like a tattoo of a dolphin jumping over her belly button and Maddie was fascinated by it, had to force herself to look away.
Maddie was starting to wish she hadn’t come. Maybe she could say she wasn’t feeling well again and leave. If the truth be told, Maddie realised as soon as Jade had said that Ben wasn’t there that she had only been coming to see him. To hear the giddy laugh of a small person, smell his clean, apple-scented hair and stroke his smooth, rosy cheeks, feel his tiny hand fit into hers…
Her pulse started to race uncomfortably. She drank some more wine, still not enjoying the taste of it and feeling an uncomfortable fuzziness settle into her head.
‘Been watching anything good on Netflix lately?’ Jade said as the programme on the television ended.
‘Not really. I’ve been watching old stuff – The Crown, Gilmore Girls, that kind of thing.’
‘Oh right, yeah, I like all of that.’ Her face told a different story. ‘I’m also into newer stuff – American Horror Story, Stranger Things, Sex Education. You should watch them. You’d enjoy them. Drink up.’
Jade talked like a machine gun, firing the words with velocity and aggression, as though daring Maddie to disagree. She was staring at Maddie again, challenging her with sharp blue eyes, and Maddie felt withered. She took a healthy drink of the wine, then another to finish the glass before handing it back to Jade. Maddie tried not to grimace as she swallowed.
‘Good girl.’ Jade got up, the couch bouncing and farting as she did.
‘I should probably… um… get going actually,’ Maddie said, getting to her feet.
‘What? Why? You’ve only just got here. Come on, we’ll watch something together. Your choice.’ She pushed Maddie none too gently back down onto the couch. She looked panicked and Maddie realised that she was possibly hanging on just as much as Maddie was, but showing it in a different way.
Maybe she also didn’t want to be alone. Otherwise why would she beg Maddie to stay? Why would anyone beg Maddie, of all people, to spend time with them? She found herself dull, uninteresting, sad and pathetic, so what did that say about Jade? Perhaps they were just as lost as each other but showed it in different ways. Maybe Jade’s desperation for attention and affirmation came across as aggression as she hid behind her internet profile. Maybe she just needed someone to show her how to be kind rather than cruel. Sometimes it only took one person to make a difference. Maddie had read all the posts to that effect on Instagram. Suddenly all Maddie wanted to do was take care of Jade.
‘Ok, I’ll stay,’ she said. She sat back down and drank some more of the cheap wine, noting the relief on Jade’s face.
*
Jade stood in the kitchen and watched Maddie as she perched neatly on the couch, her legs crossed at the knee and one ballet slipper of a shoe dangling from a thin, pale foot.
Although Jade had done a lot of the talking, Maddie was still very much a closed book. She asked a lot of questions about Ben, which was unnerving and a bit weird, but otherwise she hadn’t said very much.
Maddie had an air of sadness about her. It oozed from her like a vapour you couldn’t see but could sense tainting the air. There was definitely a story here and Jade was curious. A few more glasses of wine and maybe Maddie would loosen up a bit.
Jade had turned down a well-deserved night out with girlfriends at a club in Clapham for this, so she hoped it was worth it. She’d give it another hour and if Maddie still hadn’t loosened up, she would send her packing and see if she could still meet up with the girls.
*
By 10 p.m. Maddie’s fingers were stained orange from the nacho chips and her head was filled with cotton wool from the wine. The second bottle had tasted nicer, probably because it was the red wine she had brought with her. A pizza box from Dominos sat on the table, containing one lonely crust and an empty pot of dip. They had settled on watching old episodes of Friends, laughing together as Ross struggled with his leather trousers and Rachel made Thanksgiving trifle with custard and minced beef.
Maddie remembered watching the series in the 1990s when she and Greg were newlyweds. They would lie together on one couch, curving into each other. She could remember the feeling of his chest bouncing against her back as he laughed. Maybe that was why she loved this programme so much.
While they watched, Jade encouraged Maddie to sign up to Twitter and Snapchat. They giggled as they took photo after photo with silly filters, each one funnier than the last.
It had been ages since Maddie had had such a good time.
Jade commented on Maddie’s iWatch when it pinged to remind Maddie to stand up. ‘Those are expensive,’ she said and Maddie explained it was a birthday gift from Greg last year.
‘I swim sometimes and he got it for me so that I could measure my distance better. But sometimes I think it’s the only thing that believes in me,’ she said. ‘It’ll say things like, ‘Come on, you can do it!’ and ‘You’ve got this!’, and I believe it. How ridiculous is that! It’s just a bloody watch, but I actually find myself talking to it.’
‘It’s a fucking generous birthday present. I bet that handbag was from him too?’
She had clearly clocked Maddie’s Gucci handbag and, yes, it was another gift from a work trip Greg had taken to Milan a few years ago. Maddie explained that Greg had always been generous and that by the end of their marriage, he had resorted to elaborate gifts rather than quality time with her.
Maddie showed Jade photos of Greg on her phone, but Jade seemed more taken with the fact that Maddie had a new iPhone 11 – an upgrade secured by Greg, of course. In return, she showed Maddie her iPhone XS with its cracked screen and complained at how poor the camera quality was on it. Maddie noticed her screen wallpaper was a photo of Ben eating ice cream and her heart clenched like a muscle spasm. Maddie’s wallpaper was a generic photo of sunflowers.