At that moment, Greg realised he was happier than he had been in years, but a cloud hovered in the distance all the same. A Maddie-shaped cloud that rumbled with his self-reproach. If he could just find a way of helping Maddie to find some contentment while still keeping her in his life… That’s what the flat was about – close enough that she could still enjoy Jemima, but just far enough for Gemma to be comfortable and so that his happy family wasn’t thrown in Maddie’s face all the time.
He would call Maddie later and check in on her. She would likely have a huge hangover after the state she was in.
He chuckled to himself. She was terrible with hangovers, always had been. Gemma didn’t drink much at all – too many calories apparently.
Jemima was pressing a book into his hands now. He took it and she curled up in his lap again and rested her head against his chest. He kissed her head and began to read about lions and tigers and bears.
‘Greg!’ Gemma hollered up the stairs. ‘I’m going to yoga!’
‘Have fun – take your time!’ he called back.
‘Mummy’s gone, yay!’ he said in a whisper to Jemima and winked. She popped her thumb in her mouth and gazed at him adoringly.
*
It felt like hours had passed as Maddie tossed and turned, at times lying as still as possible so that her head wouldn’t thud and her stomach wouldn’t writhe. Apart from the occasional lurch to the bathroom, she remained buried, every now and then sticking a foot out of the covers for cool relief. By 3 p.m. she was feeling a little more human, so wrapped herself in her duvet and shuffled to the couch, grabbing a banana on the way. She’d read somewhere once that they were good for a hangover. Potassium or something. She turned on the TV and stared at some adverts for Bingo and online betting, before turning over to Netflix to search for some of the shows Jade had mentioned last night.
Some of her recommendations did not appeal to Maddie at all – what the hell was American Horror Story all about? – but she gave Stranger Things a go and before long had binged three episodes. Getting up to grab her phone and a large bag of salt and vinegar crisps, she sent Jade a message through Snapchat:
Sitting under a duvet binge-watching Stranger Things! It’s brilliant! Had a fun night last night. Feel horrible today though.
She didn’t expect Jade to read the message straight away, let alone reply, but a message came back immediately.
Good choice! Also feeling rough. Good laugh though! What episode are you on?
They spent the rest of the afternoon messaging back and forth, and it helped Maddie feel better. It struck her as bizarre that Jade was directly above her and yet they were having a conversation online as though they were hanging out in the same room. This was what friendships were like now, weren’t they? Maddie could see the appeal. It was easier to be funny, eloquent, charming and confidently opinionated when you weren’t looking someone in the eye. Maddie found herself saying bolder things in the Snapchat messages, throwing in a swear word or two, offering opinions that in the past she wouldn’t have dared say out loud in case she was judged, criticised or ridiculed. Greg was always telling her to be careful what she said so as not to offend. She could think what she liked but should never say it out of good manners.
Jade was different. Part of it was that she was still quite young, a millennial, while Maddie was supposedly a baby boomer. The irony in that was not lost on her. Jade had said last night that she was 28 – ten years younger than Maddie, but it felt like much more. She was opinionated and still believed the world owed her everything while Maddie had learnt that the world owed you nothing and never played fair.
The idea of female friendship was something that Maddie had effectively missed out on until now. After meeting Greg when she was a teenager, he quickly became Maddie’s best friend and they married young, fresh out of university and starry-eyed with hope and ambition. As the years of their marriage unfolded, any girlfriends she may have had all but dissolved away as she invested her entire being in him, their business, their family, to the point where she had few people she could call a friend now.
She thought about the people she had in her life and it painted a depressing picture. Her father had left when she was very young and her mother had died when Maddie was at university. Her old friends were all married, a few divorced, all with families of their own and living spread out across the globe. It had been just her and Greg for so long. He had been her entire existence.
For Maddie, this was a chance at a new start. She realised that she had never truly been independent before. As she sat, still in her pyjamas, eating custard creams out of the packet at 5 p.m., she felt suddenly liberated. She had gone from living with her mother to flat sharing at university to living with Greg. There had been no time for discovering who she actually was herself, in her own space. She had always shared space with Greg, had him to look after her, manage her life for her, make her decisions. Her mother had taught her to have an independent spirit, but the luxury of having someone shoulder the responsibility for you was addictive.
And now that could change. She needed to change her mindset. Her impending divorce was an opportunity rather than a failure. Jade had come along at the right time too, despite their clear differences. She thought about how independent Jade was – a single mum, living alone, making her own decisions – and she wanted a bit of that. And of course, there was Ben.
Of course she wanted Ben.
As if she knew what Maddie was thinking, Jade’s next message was a video of Ben laughing into the camera while she spun him around, her ponytail like a propeller, and Maddie’s heart expanded like a balloon as she listened to his fits of giggles, saw the sheer, childish joy on his face. Maddie replied:
That is adorable! I could eat him up! Is he home?
She put the phone to her chest and shuffled further down the couch under the duvet, trying not to cry. The phone vibrated again in her hand and she expected another message from Jade, but it was a call.
Greg.
She hesitated, then answered.
‘Hi.’
‘Hey you. How was the head this morning?’
‘My head?’
‘Yeah, you sounded pretty toasted last night.’
Maddie had no recollection of calling him last night.
‘And who was that laughing in the background?’
A vague memory was teasing her, the two of them calling Greg, but she couldn’t remember what they had said to him or even if they had said anything at all.
‘I’m sorry, we were just hanging out, drinking wine and then things got a bit silly…’
‘Who were you with?’ His voice had an interesting edge.
‘The woman who lives above me. She’s really nice, has a three-year-old son called Ben.’
‘Maddie, don’t—’
‘I’m just making friends, having some fun. That’s all.’
‘She sounded a bit… you know, not our kind of person, Mads…’
‘And what kind of person is that?’ Annoyance clipped the edge off her words.
‘You know what I mean. You’re just being obtuse now.’
‘No, actually, I don’t know what you mean. Are you referring to immaculately made-up women who shop in Waitrose and think a good night out is two slimline gin and tonics before an early night? Women like Gemma, maybe?’