“Huh,” Suzanne said as she pulled up to my mother’s house. “Looks like one of those cottages in the fairytales where small children go to die. And it’s even got the General Lee out front.”
In a fit of rebellion, my mother had taken the insurance money my dad had left her and bought an exact replica of the General Lee. I wasn’t sure why. I only knew that my dad would’ve hated it, which I’m guessing is why she’d done it. My parents had a complicated marriage.
“Yeah, sorry about that,” I told her.
“Sugar, I’m a black cross-dresser from the South. I’ve seen everything.”
My mother had the front door open before we got out of the van, and there was a shell-shocked look on her face. I guess we did draw attention, even past the van. Rosemarie and Scarlet crawled out of the back, and the look my mother gave me was full of accusation and betrayal. I shrugged in apology and held up the cake boxes, hoping she’d take the peace offering.
“Mom, this is Suzanne,” I said. “I don’t know if you got to meet her at the wedding. She made the cakes.”
“I brought chocolate cake and amaretto,” Suzanne said.
“We’re here for moral support,” Rosemarie said, giving my mother a hug before hurrying inside.
“I just came for the entertainment,” Scarlet said. “I figure this serves you right after you killed Charlie.”
I raised my brows at that bit of information and looked at my mother. She rolled her eyes and said, “I didn’t kill Charlie. He died of a heart attack.”
“Hmmph,” Scarlet said. “So you say.”
“So everyone says,” my mother said.
Scarlet went inside with the others and I was left alone with my mother. I felt like I hadn’t really gotten to know my mother until after my father died. Growing up, she’d been a stickler for rules and proper etiquette. Since his death, she’d been a wild card of personalities.
“Don’t think I won’t pay you back for this,” she said. “I’ve been doing Tae Bo all morning to get rid of some of my anger. I can’t promise I won’t drop-kick Scarlet into next week.”
“She’s just an old lady,” I said.
“She’s the devil,” my mother said.
“I heard that,” Scarlet said from inside the house.
“See,” my mother whispered, her eyes going wide. “Are those cupcake penises on the side of that van?” she asked, squinting toward the road.
I moved past my mother into the tiny house. Growing up had been a challenge with only two bedrooms and one bathroom. My father had decided he couldn’t stand the constant fighting between me and my sister in our teenage years, so he had a third bedroom built on. When we moved out, he turned it into his office.
“We brought cake and booze,” Rosemarie said, patting my mother on the back and leading her to the dining table. “We’ll get all this sorted out. You’ve got nothing to worry about. And if you ever decide to get married again, I’ve got you taken care of. I’ll give you a real good discount.”
Suzanne made herself at home, getting out plates and silverware and the aperitif glasses like we were having a tea party. She put the kettle on for me, and then went about the business of cutting cake. I was technically still full from the pastries I’d eaten, but Suzanne had brought a hummingbird cake, along with the chocolate, as one of the selections, and only a fool would turn down hummingbird cake. It was my favorite.
Scarlet took off her fur and tossed it over the back of the couch, and then stared at the cake, sucking her cheeks in. “You got any vegetables? If I eat that cake, it’s not going to be a pretty ride out of here. I need something to cleanse my palate.” Scarlet didn’t bother to wait for an answer, but went into the kitchen and started rummaging around in the refrigerator.
“Maybe you could start at the beginning,” I told my mom after she’d tasted her first bite of cake.
“I told you,” she said, shrugging. “Vince is stepping out on me with some two-bit ho from Miami. I don’t know how he met her. We’ve never been to Miami. When I suspected him of cheating, I did a Google search and I found a list of signs that your man is cheating on you. He’s been taking frequent trips to see his buddies,” she said, holding a finger up. Then she put up a second finger. “He’s real secretive about his phone, and he’s always texting.” Her third finger popped up. “He’s spending money without telling me. I used to be an accountant. Does he think I don’t check the bank balances and credit card statements? What kind of dummy does he think I am?”
She burst into tears and laid her head down on the table. I felt bad for her. I really did. My parents were devoted to each other, but I wasn’t ever sure they had a happy marriage. What she had with Vince had felt like the real thing.
“You’re not a dummy,” I assured her. “If he’s cheating on you then we’re going to get the proof.”
“Yeah,” Rosemarie said. “And then we’re going to get revenge. I set Roger’s car on fire.”
“I remember that,” Scarlet said. “That was a real doozy. It takes real skill to make a fire that lasts with that kind of heat.”
“Thank you,” Rosemarie said, pinkening slightly. “I watched a video. The key is to get some magnesium and sprinkle it all in the car first. It makes the flames real pretty.”
“Good Lord,” Suzanne said, shaking her head. “I cannot be privy to this. You know who’s gonna go to jail if we get caught planning a revenge car torching. And I can’t go to prison. I’ve become accustomed to the creature comforts in life.”
Rosemarie rolled her eyes. “You grew up with the creature comforts in life.” Then Rosemarie looked at me and said, “Suzanne’s parents live two doors down from Nick’s parents.”
“Oh,” I said. And then I grinned and Suzanne laughed.
“I’m a rebel,” she said. “I’ve got mommy and daddy issues, and my therapist says I’m acting out by dressing as a woman.”
“I don’t know why you’re paying that therapist all that money,” Rosemarie said. “That seems kind of obvious to me.”
“I like the company,” Suzanne said. “He’s a good conversationalist.”
“I don’t mean to be rude,” my mother said. “But maybe we could get back to my cheating husband issues.”
“Right,” I said. “How long do you think the affair has been going on?”
“I don’t know anything right now,” mom said. “We’re still newlyweds. How can he be tired of me already?”
I shot Scarlet a look to keep her from commenting, and she gave me the signal of zipping her lips.
“He started off by just acting distant,” mom said. “I figured he had something on his mind, but thought he’d talk about it eventually. I was married to a cop long enough to know when to let things simmer and when to poke and prod.
“But Vince isn’t like Charlie. He’s always been very open about his life and career. I mean, we’ve known each other thirty years, so he was really just filling in a lot of the blanks. I’ve not really touched your father’s office since he died, but I did go in a few years ago and box up all his old papers and anything personal, and I shoved it in the closet.