“I’ve always thought menopausal women were pretty great,” Suzanne said. “’Cause then you don’t have to deal with child support.”
“True dat,” Scarlet said, and they high-fived.
“Believe me,” Suzanne said. “I’ve had a scare or two in my life.”
I noticed Rosemarie’s cheeks flame bright red. Suzanne and Rosemarie had gone to college together, and my investigative senses were tingling. There was definitely a story there.
“Look,” I told my mother. “I’m on my way to your place now. I’ll make a few calls, and get some information, and then we’ll get to the bottom of this. Until there’s absolute proof, you need to show him some trust. Vince has always been a good guy.”
“All I want you to do is bring him back so I can know the truth,” my mother said, sounding unusually calm. “And then I’m going to tie him up and show him why my sewing shears aren’t to be used on anything besides fabric.”
Rosemarie shook her head in sympathy. “I get that. Someone is always using them to cut paper.”
“That’s no reason to geld someone with them,” I said.
“No,” Suzanne said. “But I think the gelding is because of Angelica, though I wouldn’t recommend it as a means to kill. Sounds awful messy.”
“And also because murder is bad,” I said, giving Suzanne a hard stare. “I’m on my way to your house right now. We’ll get this all sorted out. Okay?”
“Thank you,” my mother said. “I know you’re retired now, but I didn’t know who else to call. I figured it’s best we keep this in the family for now. You know how the gossips are in this town.”
I looked around at the circle of rapt faces and said, “Sure. It’s all in the family.”
I hung up and said, “I’ve got to go. Would you mind dropping Scarlet off at the house?” I asked Rosemarie.
“No way,” Scarlet said. “I’m not missing this.”
Rosemarie nodded. “What kind of friend would I be if I let you deal with this trauma all by yourself? This is your stepfather who’s disappeared after all. And your mama needs female support in a time like this. It takes a village. Besides, it’s been a whole month since I helped you solve a case, and I’m going through withdrawals.”
“Ohmigod!” Suzanne said, jumping to her feet. “I have the best idea ever. What if y’all went into business together. I can see it now.” She waved her hand in an arc, as if she could see it on a sign. “Valentine and Holmes: Wedding and Investigative Services. Y’all would be the hit of Savannah. Because you know all the brides secretly want a background check on the guy they met off the internet. That’s big business right there.”
“That’s brilliant,” Rosemarie said. “Don’t you think so, Addison?”
What I thought was I might be having a stroke. I didn’t have any control over the muscles in my body so I couldn’t shake my head or form words.
“She’s speechless,” Rosemarie said, doing a little shimmy in her stiletto boots.
“Ooh, I love a good dance party,” Suzanne said. “Come on, Ms. Scarlet.” Then they all started bumping and grinding and I was caught in the third level of hell. Scarlet’s wig was still lopsided and her fur coat was slouched off one shoulder. It wasn’t a good look for her. If there was going to be a Rapture, I couldn’t think of a better time.
“I’d love to,” I finally managed to get out. “But I promised Nick I wasn’t going to take up PI work again.”
“You’re doing PI work for your mama,” Suzanne reminded me.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t really count,” I said. “And Nick won’t even know about it. I’m sure this is an open-and-shut case, and Vince will have a very good explanation. He’s not the cheating type.”
All three of them hmmphed and shook their heads at my naïvety.
“Says the woman whose almost first husband was found in the back of a limo with a skank on your wedding day.”
“That was a real good wedding,” Scarlet said. “One of my favorites.”
“I’m sorry I missed it,” Suzanne said.
“The cake wasn’t as good as yours,” Scarlet said. “But the entertainment was top notch.”
“Are you in the van?” Rosemarie asked me. “It’ll be just like old times.”
“No,” I said. “I’m in the Audi.”
Nick had bought me a sweet little Audi convertible that I rarely drove because I liked to think of myself as an independent woman who didn’t want her man buying her expensive toys or making big decisions for her. But it was a sexy car, and I figured I’d better enjoy it while I could, because it wouldn’t be too long until I was too fat to fit behind the wheel.
“Not a problem,” Suzanne said. “I’m going to go make sure everything is closed up tight next door, and y’all meet me in the alley. We can take my van.”
Rosemarie sighed. “I love your van. It always smells like cake.”
That was good enough for me.
Ten minutes later I was seriously starting to wonder if my baby was making me crazy. My brain had obviously ceased to function.
I’d never seen Suzanne’s cake van before. That was an oversight on my part, and I had no one to blame but myself. The van had been fully wrapped in bright images of her designs—wedding cakes, graduation cookies, and mouthwatering cupcakes. It would’ve been fine and dandy except the cupcakes had all been designed to look like body parts.
“She has a gift,” Rosemarie said, taking the words right out of my mouth. “How do you think she does that? That’s a good-looking penis.”
“Don’t say it,” I said.
“Good enough to eat.” And then she went into a fit of giggles.
Suzanne came out the back of her shop with her hands full and Rosemarie and I went over to help her. She had three cake boxes and an old Crate and Barrel paper bag.
“What is all this?” I asked.
“I figure the least we can do is give that woman a cake,” Suzanne said. “Wives being cheated on deserve some cake. If I’d had time I would’ve made her one that looked like a gun.”
“That’s real thoughtful of you,” Scarlet said.
“What’s in the bag?” Rosemarie asked.
“She said she was out of wine, so I got the next best thing. I got a couple of bottles of the amaretto I use to flavor the cakes. That ought to keep her busy awhile.”
“You clearly don’t know Phyllis,” Scarlet said.
“I’ll sit in the back,” Rosemarie said. “I like to stretch out. And I want to take off my Spanx. They’re squeezing my liver.”
“I’m going to sit in the back too,” Scarlet said. “I need to stretch out. Is there a bathroom in here?”
“No,” we all said at once.
“Just checking,” she said, and I hoisted her up into the back of the van with Rosemarie.
I sighed as I looked at my options for travel. Apparently that left me with the front seat. Now everyone in Whiskey Bayou could see I was driving around in a penis van.