I cupped my round stomach at the thought of that. This morning Killian left bed before I woke up. I knew he did that because he thought I needed the rest, but I wished he had wakened me up.
Gabriel snapped his finger in front of my face, bringing me out of my thoughts. “I lost you there. What’s up?”
I shook my head and gave him a shaky smile, before glancing at Ragna with longing. “Oh yeah, I meant to say Killian is quite busy these days. Of course, you know that already.”
Gabriel was silent for a moment while I petted Ragna. She was quiet as she moved closer to me, bumping her head against my hand. She could feel my emotions and I tried not to let my misery bleed into her.
“You’re looking at your horse with such sad eyes, Jules,” Gabriel said, ever the observant one. “Why don’t you ride her?”
I itched to get on my mare but I knew I couldn’t. Not when I was pregnant and Killian made me promise that I wouldn’t ride Ragna alone. I thought he’d lose his protective instincts over the years but I was very wrong.
Killian was still the same overprotective and overbearing man I knew.
Especially now… that I was pregnant after two years of fertility issues.
A year after the birth of Cameron, I started experiencing irregularities with my menstrual cycle. It was nothing alarming at first until I went eight months with my periods and that was when I finally went for a check-up, only to find out that I had developed Polycystic ovary syndrome – which eventually made it hard for us to conceive.
We were happy with Cameron being our only child, until I got greedy. I always wanted a big family and so did Killian. And so it began. The painful process of trying for another child while struggling with infertility.
Two years of uncertainties.
Two years of IVF shots and praying for successful retrievals.
Two years of hoping for fertilized eggs only to realize the embryos would not make it through the transfer process.
Two years of hopelessness and not feeling good enough.
One successful transfer ended up in a miscarriage.
And that was when I finally broke down.
It was tormenting. Being so hopeful, thinking you were finally getting what you wanted the most, only for it to be ripped away from you – so cruelly.
Killian and I eventually decided to stop trying. The pain of losing our baby killed us and he wasn’t willing to put me through that again.
I agreed. Until six months ago, when I had a dream.
Of a little baby girl calling me mommy. It was so real and till now, I could still hear her sweet voice calling out to me. It was a dream, but I swore, that was our future.
So, I convinced my husband for us to try again.
I caressed my eighteen weeks baby bump. We didn’t know the gender yet, but I knew it was a little girl. She was so real in my dreams, with her dark hair like her father’s and my grey eyes. Her soft, round cheeks and her pouty lips.
“Killian doesn’t let me ride her,” I finally told Gabriel. “At least not alone. And since he’s always busy, I haven’t had a chance to get on Ragna for a long time.”
He’d actually blow up a blood vessel if he saw me on a horse, alone. My husband liked to that he was invincible and that he was my shield.
Except he can’t protect me from everything.
Gabriel scoffed. “Well, you’re not alone now. I’m here, so why don’t you get on Ragna?”
“Oh no, please–”
“What? You think I’m not strong enough to protect you?” he asked arrogantly before flexing his big muscles over his tight black shirt, as if to show me just how “strong” he was. “Anyway, Ragna is your mare. She’s pretty docile, isn’t she?”
I rolled my eyes but I was very… tempted to take him up on his offer. If Gabriel was with me, I wouldn’t be alone so it wasn’t like I was going against what Killian wanted.
Gabriel grabbed one of the helmets off the hook and presented it to me, waiting patiently for me to make up my mind. I glanced at Ragna’s pretty face and my heart swelled. God, how could I say no to such tempting offer?
I put on the helmet and then Gabriel hoisted me onto Ragna’s back. The moment I settled on the saddle, my fingers curled around her pretty mane. My chest tightened and I practically choked on my emotions.
Maybe it was the pregnancy…
“My beautiful girl,” I whispered to her. Ragna neighed in response, as if she understood me.
Gabriel chuckled and I glanced at down to find him grinning at me. “Now, that’s a smile I like to see.”
“I missed her,” I confessed out loud.
Gabriel grabbed the reins and I pressed my heels into Ragna’s sides, urging her forward. “Let’s go for a walk, sweet girl.”
We walked out around in circles in the open field, keeping a steady pace that Gabriel could follow on foot. He stayed by my side, fingers around the rein and I felt safe enough.
“You’ve got a breathtaking smile that would make any man weak to their knees,” he said after a few moments of silence, touching my calf to grab my attention.
My scars itched at the unexpected praise. “You’re just being sweet.”
Gabriel patted his chest. “I’m an honest man.”
I opened my mouth to respond when I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye. My husband was stalking toward us and when he was close enough, I noticed the look of pure rage on his face.
“Gabriel,” he snapped.
My eyes widened at his tone but his friend wasn’t fazed at all. “How are the horses looking? Do you think you can handle them?”
Killian snatched the rein from Gabriel. “Leave,” he ordered coldly.
“What–
He glowered at Gabriel and the poor man didn’t even have a chance to say anything before Killian was leading Ragna back to the stables. Once we were inside, he pulled me off my mare and settled me on a stack of hay. This place was smaller than the one we had on the island.
But with Killian running for President, we had to leave Isle Rosa-Maria behind. So, we had officially moved to Spencer Manor in Washington D.C, bringing our horses with us.
Killian locked Ragna in her stall before finally facing me. My husband was positively livid and I internally winced. He stood to his full height, shoulders rigid and his fists clenched to his side.
“What is this all about?” I slowly asked.
His eyes flared darker. “He was flirting with you.”
“He wasn’t!” I hissed, getting to my feet. “He’s your friend. God, what is wrong with you?”
“What is wrong with me is that you deliberately went against what I told you when all I wanted was to protect you and our baby,” he said in a deceptively low voice. Killian didn’t raise his voice at me; he never did – and I couldn’t remember the last time he was angry at me.
“You’re overexaggerating!” I couldn’t even hide the indignation in my voice. “I was completely comfortable and safe with Ragna and Gabriel. I was in no imminent danger. You’re speaking as if I am new to horses. I’m not. You taught me everything I need to know about horses. Are you saying you’re not confident about your own teachings?”