***
Julianna
I woke up with a start, my eyes flying open but I didn’t know what woke me up. My heart thudded in my chest and I wondered if it was another nightmare that I couldn’t remember.
I look at my left and while Killian was missing, Cameron was in his place. I smoothed a hand over his head, admiring his cute sleeping self before I got out of bed to find my husband. A quick glance at the clock told me that it was almost three in the morning.
The Spencer Manor was quiet and dark as I made my way to his office on the opposite end of the hallway. The door was half-opened and I peeked inside to find him standing on the balcony of his office, shirtless and staring into the night.
My brows furrowed in confusion as I walked up to him, when something else caught my eyes. A wrinkled paper on the floor, as if it had been carelessly thrown to the ground.
My heart dropped in the pit of my stomach when I noticed what it actually was and my palms started sweating. My medical documents. How did he find them? Oh God.
I took a shaky step onto the balcony, wringing my hands in front of me.
“Killian–”
“Why?” he questioned, his voice deceptively soft. Too calm.
I swallowed hard. “Why what?”
He pivoted around so fast that I stumbled back, my eyes widening. His face – the raw and wretched look on his face – it hurt to see that tormented expression on his handsome face and knowing that I somewhat had a hand in putting it there.
His eyes darkened with rage and I let out shuddering breath. “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought there would be no more lies and secrets between us,” Killian accused sharply. I was taken aback by his cold and detached tone.
“I’m perfectly healthy,” I started to explain but he cursed under his breath and stalked forward until he was close enough for me to reach out and touch him, but I didn’t dare to.
His body was tensed and I didn’t think my touch would be welcomed right now. So, I curled my arms around myself instead.
I suddenly felt so… cold and alone.
“Stop lying, for fuck’s sake!” Killian snarled. “All you do is lie to my face, Julianna. We started this marriage with deception and you vowed you’d never do it again.”
“I was going to tell you,” I stuttered.
He let out a mocking laugh at my response and unshed tears blurred my vision. Killian paced back and forth in front of me, running his fingers through his hair before pulling on them. “How do I trust you? Goddamn it!” He paused and his gaze flickered to me angrily. “When did you find out?”
I flinched at his outburst and hiccupped back a sob. “Early on. When I was around fourteen weeks pregnant,” I confessed quietly. “Doctor Jennings told me about some of the complications that might come with this pregnancy. Gestational hypertension is common for women with multiple fetuses but with my history of seizures and high blood pressure, I was at risk of having eclampsia. Which could also lead to placental abruption.”
Killian nodded. “I called Doctor Jennings,” he said coldly. “She explained all the risks and complications that came with you being pregnant with triplets. Your placental abruption could lead to postpartum hemorrhage.”
“But that’s only the worst possibly outcome,” I was quick to say, as if to defend myself. “I’m perfectly healthy and my body is strong enough to carry our babies. The risks are there but–”
“And you didn’t think that I need to know that? That I should be aware of my wife’s health or the complications that might occur?”
My chest tightened as I sucked in a shaky breath. It pained me to breathe. It hurt me that Killian was hurting. And my husband’s coldness; his rage decimated me.
I slowly advanced toward him. “What would you have done if you knew? Tell me, Killian. If you knew that this pregnancy was risky for me… What. Would. You. Have. Done?”
The corner of his eyes twitched, his neck cording with tensed muscles as if he was trying so hard to keep his fury in check. His dark eyes flared. His expression turned into disbelief and then understanding when he realized what I was trying to tell him.
“I know the answer to that,” I whispered. “You would have asked me to terminate this pregnancy.”
That made him still and then his chest shuddered with a harsh exhale.
Saying those words out loud made me nauseous. My stomach churned with a sick feeling and I could taste the acidic bile on my tongue. When I tried to swallow, I found myself gagging on it.
“And I can’t. I won’t do that,” I choked out. “But if you had asked me, I wouldn’t have been able to say no to you. If you knew about the risks, you would have treated me as if I was on my death bed and I can’t see you hurting. I wouldn’t have survive watching you watch me with those tortured eyes as I grew bigger with our babies. It would have killed me.”
The wind picked up and a loud thunder rolled through the dark sky. The drizzle started next and I flinched at the coldness seeping through my nightgown.
My husband was unfazed to the change of weather. His fists were still clenched at his sides, his body still tensed and unwelcoming.
“That wasn’t your choice to make, if I deserved to know or not.” Killian shook his head with a cold, humorless laugh. “I’m your husband and this marriage is supposed to be based on trust but you keep lying to me about such important things in our lives?”
I looked down at my feet, ashamed because he was right. “Tell me the truth, Killian. Would you have wanted me to terminate this pregnancy if you knew of the risks?”
“Yes,” he deadpanned.
I flinched at his quick because he didn’t even pause to think. “And there’s your answer as to why I didn’t tell you.”
The triplets were my miracle babies and I couldn’t bear to lose them, not like this. Not when I knew I was strong enough to give birth to them. And especially not when my last pregnancy ended with a miscarriage.
“You’re a maddening woman!” Killian barked. His arm snaked out sharply and he gripped my bicep, shaking me. My gaze snapped to his and he was glaring down at me. “Listen to me carefully because I’m only going to say this once. Yes, I would have rather you terminate the pregnancy because I don’t want to risk losing you. But if you wanted to have our babies, I would have never forced to have an abortion.”
I started to speak but he cut me off. “Where is the trust in this marriage, Julianna? Don’t you trust me?”
“I trust you,” I whispered.
He released my arm, but curled his hand behind my neck instead. “Liar,” he hissed.
I let out a cry. “I’m sorry.” I pressed my body closer to him, seeking out his warmth and he didn’t push me away. I stroke my hand over his chest and he shuddered under my touch. “I was scared.”
He squeezed his eyes at my choice of words. “And that’s the exact reason why you should have told me. You wouldn’t have to carry this burden alone.”