“That’s not a bad thing, Bels. Maybe she can’t read,” tall guy offered.
“She used her big voice with us,” short guy, Bels, argued, his voice fading as a noise over the doors chimed and the fan, a bit slow to kick on, started up.
Bunch of weirdos, I thought, grabbing a cart to start down the first aisle.
∞∞∞
A few aisles and a half full cart later, I could hear them, Creep 1 and Creep 2, not so far behind me. It occurred to me they might be following me, but they were so inept at trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, stumbling over each other and knocking things off shelves, arguing amongst each other about I had no clue what—it sounded crazy, to be honest. The bumble brains were prattling on about naughty or nice and I wasn’t even sure—they sure didn’t want to deal with my naughty side. I had a Taser they could kiss and a conceal carry permit I took full use of if they really wanted to tangle. In a mood to be fucked with, I was not.
Reaching the alcohol aisle, I wasn’t a drinker, not really my thing, yet I grabbed a few of the Bigfoot themed wines because the bottles made me chuckle. Fuck it, why not? I wanted the bottles, they were cute, and I was in possession of some Christmas bribery money to burn. Reaching the area with all the lube and condoms, thinking of all the bottles of extra thick or flavored lubes, condoms, edible underwear, and the whip—I wasn’t even going to think of the whip again—ever—I’d come across and then promptly chucked into the bin, I was definitely going to be looking into that therapy.
Even now I got a case of the creeps run-walking down the aisle.
I was being stupid, I supposed, but I was allowed some time to freak out and then process. I’d castigate myself and pull up them adulting britches if I was still doing this, come New Year’s. Surely, that was enough time to pull myself up by my boot straps.
Spotting that familiar, dorky cap with the bell on it as the odd couple came into view once more, wondering which one of them needed the heavy duty tampons they were pretending to study so intently, when a store employee came upon us, glancing between me and my unwanted companions, and asked if I needed anything. “They’re following me,” I called out loudly, then glanced over my shoulder to give them a big wave.
Creepster friends gaped, mouths dropping open, and pointed at one another questioningly.
Louder, I called, “I planned to call the fashion police, but local will do.”
“Fashion police?” Elf guy echoed.
“They have that here?” Tall and tampon box holding blurted.
“For a pair of bumbling fools dressed up as… Rudolph and Santa’s widdle helper?” I added snidely, because I wasn’t nice right now, and they were certainly on my shit list with everyone else—I was not to be trifled with this shitty Merry Bullshit’s eve. “Yeah, definitely.”
“She can see us…” Tall guy sounded shaken.
“Told you she was the one,” short guy told him in a loud whisper.
Glancing to the store clerk, who was talking quietly but rapidly into their phone to then leave their phone on, dropping it to hold it out at their side, the call still rolling, I met their wide eyes with a funny look of my own. “Police?” I mouthed, to their subtle nod.
I made a motion with my hand near my head, mouthing, “They’re crazy. Good call.”
“Of course, ma’am, I’ll… escort you to the register,” store clerk blurted, slowly walking backwards, never taking their eyes off of the pair, to guide me towards the front.
Leaving Rudolph and Santa’s Helper to their quiet squabbling, their attention otherwise diverted for the moment, the police showed up right as the clerk had finished ringing me up, the manager pretending to idly chat with the cashier, Sam, beside me. The manager Rex’s towering, thick form must have made the creeps feel ill at ease, forcing them to back off, yet they still remained near. They were peeking around a display case at me, pretending to admire an assortment of fast acting laxatives, when the police arrived.
Sheriff deputies, I corrected, with one look at their uniform. Not that it mattered. Either way, the cavalry had arrived and they’d hold them long enough I could make my escape.
Were these freaks locals or just passing through looking for a victim? They had serial creepos written all over them.
Maybe I would be selling that little cabin, if this was what I’d be dealing with…
Bags full of groceries, a personal escort out the door and safely to my car, I jumped as the short one shot forward and made to lunge towards us, shouting, “You don’t understand! You can’t let her go! We may need her! She’s naughty!”
“She’s not that naughty,” the other noted mildly, a contemplative look about him. “Look, Bels, we’ve frightened the poor doe in our observance of her.”
“It’s her!” this Bels howled. “Don’t let her get away!” Fighting the restraints he soon found himself in, he gritted his teeth as his shoulder was wrenched back.
“Sir,” the deputy kept trying to talk to him but he wasn’t having it.
“She SEES us!” he bellowed. “It’s a crime against nature! It’s impossible!”
“Uh...” The deputy beside them blinked, frowning, and stared.
“No! I’ll prove it! What do I look like? Tell me? What am I wearing?” Bels insisted. “What does my proof of identity state? Hm?”
“They’re looking at you funny, Bels,” Tall guy called over a heavy throat clearing.
“Mr… Darryl Dimpleton,” the deputy read aloud, then glanced at Bels.
“And what of my attire?!” Bels’ eyes were a strange silvery green as they bulged.
I’d seen enough. Thanking the deputy, I got one last look at Darryl Dimpleton, Bels, whatever, and his tall friend and entreated quietly, “You’ll get them the help they need?”
“Bringin’ ‘em down to the station, call the local doc in to have a look at ‘em,” he replied casually.
“Thank you.” Offering him a smile I didn’t feel, I added before he could wish me some form of happy holiday, “Have a nice night.”
“You, too, ma’am. We’ll be calling you if we need anything else.” He waved the paper with my information on it.
“Of course.” My head bobbed in a nod. Opening my car door, I slid into the seat.
Wanting to wait and sit there with the car idling, heater warming my chilled to the bone carcass up, until they had the pair in the back of their car and were driving away with them, I had no real reason to linger.
Pulling out of the tiny parking lot, I spared the group freezing their butts off outside one last look before I made the turn that would take me out of here.
I supposed, in a way, that was the most fun, insane as that sounded, I’d had in a long time.
Laughing, shaking my head, I made the turn.
I got off on thwarting would be kidnappers now? Where was the sense of fear for my safety? Should I not be panicking? It was just one happening after another. Perhaps I was in shock from it all, numb from the first we don’t want you here, past the sex couches and butt plugs, and straight up into horror flashbacks of lube-tossed-out past while the store creeps clumsily followed after me.