Chapter 1
Violet
Everyone has secrets. It was a phrase my mother used to say. The words echoed in the wind around me, a ghost from my past whispering in my ear. I tightened my scarf to help block the cold. Again. And again. Until the fringe hung evenly on the front of my coat. I breathed a sigh of relief even though the wind still rushed past my ears.
The rain from earlier tonight should have left the ground slippery, but the dense canopy of trees in the woods had preserved the freshly fallen leaves’ texture. And I was thankful that it had. My feet crunching through the brown leaves helped to drown out the sound of the wind.
It was growing colder every night. Soon the woods would be covered in a blanket of peaceful snow. And with the snow would come silence. There was nothing better than silence.
I wound through the trees, ducking beneath broken limbs as I descended the hill from my house. It had been a long time since I walked to the lake. My usual trail was hard to make out. The path my feet had made over the years was nearly covered in fresh foliage and buried under a layer of autumn leaves. I preferred staying in my house. Indoors, to be more specific. There was too much noise out here. And too much uncertainty. There was really no reason to come out when I had such a beautiful view of the lake from the comfort of my own home. But I had been itching to see it in person again.
Before the woods could block my view at the base of the hill, I glanced to the right to see the row of cookie-cutter houses in the distance. My family had lived in one of those houses. A perfect house. In the perfect neighborhood. A perfect little life. At least, that’s how it looked from the outside. You could never truly be sure. After all, everyone has secrets.
I grimaced at the phrase and adjusted my scarf higher this time in order to cover my ears. Once. Twice. Three times, until it lay perfectly even again.
It was only another minute until I reached the edge of the lake. It was beautiful. And deserted. And freezing. I resisted the urge to adjust my scarf again. Instead, I pictured my mother kneeling beside the water. Sometimes I wondered if it was really a memory or just a figment of my imagination. Because in all honesty, it was one of the only vivid memories I had of my mother from when I was a child. She had knelt down to look me in the eyes, holding my face and wiping away the tear stains.
“One white lie never hurt anyone,” my mother had said. “Everyone has secrets. But a big lie?” She lifted her ruined silk blouse that I had butchered to make a dress for my Barbie. “You do not lie about big things. Big lies have big consequences.”
The gentle touch of her hand on my face had become sharper, her fingertips biting into my skin.
I had wanted to confess. I had wanted to tell her I was sorry. But for some reason, the words hadn’t wanted to escape. And I couldn’t nod my head because she was holding my chin so tightly in her hand.
“Consequences, Violet. There are consequences to big lies.”
I remembered her pushing my head under the cold water for so long that I breathed in a lungful of it. I could still hear my stepfather’s laughter in my head. He had watched it all unfolding and didn't care one bit that my mother was trying to drown me.
I blinked and the image of her disappeared. One of my only living, breathing memories of my mother. It was bittersweet. There had been such a tender moment there. But I wasn’t sure it outweighed the feeling of fire in my lungs when I couldn’t breathe. I still missed her desperately, even though I shouldn’t have. I stared out at the still water of the lake. I most certainly shouldn’t have.
But it was better to hold on to the sweetness of a moment. It was better to remember the good things instead of the bad. I knew that better than anyone. I had lost my mother when she was far too young. A short life was one of the hardest things to cope with. It made you forgive any wrongs. Or maybe it just made you crave even the bad memories because you just missed the person so damn much.
I felt a tear run down my cheek. And I was very aware of the fact that there was no one to wipe it away now. I drew closer to the lake and stared down at my reflection. I wasn’t a little girl anymore. I was well into my mid-twenties, yet I still cried at the lake like a child. I still escaped here when I needed a moment to myself. Everything had changed, yet nothing at all.
The silence suddenly felt overwhelming. Maybe a part of me still craved being in one of those stupid perfect houses in that stupid perfect neighborhood. I wanted the façade even if it wasn’t real. I didn’t want to hurt this much.
A loud boom echoed through the trees, sending birds fleeing to the sky. Through the layers of my scarf it sounded like a gunshot. Every now and then a crazy person would hunt in these woods even though it was against the law. Another shot went off and I flung myself to the ground. Only I was on the edge of the lake...so instead of solid ground, I plunged into the water with a splash that sounded almost as loud as the gunshot in my ears.
For a moment it felt like my head was being held underneath the surface. Like my mother's hand was gripping my hair so tightly it hurt. But then it felt a lot more like I was being pulled into the cold depths from below. Something heavy and sinister clutched to my ankle. Pulling me lower and lower. I reached for the surface as I continued to sink.
It was the layers pulling me deeper. I knew how to swim, it was just impossible with these heavy clothes. I wrestled with my scarf that was much too tight after all my adjustments. And I unzipped and pushed my coat off my shoulders.
This time when I kicked my legs, I easily rose to the surface. I gasped for air as I hauled myself up onto solid ground. On my hands and knees, I choked and sputtered up water.
I finally breathed out only air and saw my exhale in a puff of smoke. It was cold, but it wasn’t that cold. I lifted my head and squinted my eyes. A soft orange glow was on the horizon in the distance. Fire. I was still trying to catch my breath, but the enormity of the situation made it harder to fill my lungs. Shit. It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest.
I pushed myself up onto my feet and ran back toward my house, to the hill that overlooked the perfect little neighborhood below. It didn’t look so perfect anymore. One of the houses was completely engulfed in flames. Or what was left of it. There was barely any house there. It was just rubble ablaze. The boom hadn’t been from a gun. That house must have exploded.
I could already hear sirens in the distance. They’d take care of the flames. They’d make sure they didn’t spread into the trees. They wouldn’t let them reach me.
But nothing I thought eased my rapid heartbeat. My mother’s words still echoed in my head. Everyone has secrets. The problem was, I had three of them. And I lived out here for a reason. I shook my head. One white lie never hurt anyone. And as far as I was concerned, neither did three. I reached for my scarf to adjust it, but my hand came up short.
I looked back at the lake. I had a dozen other scarves, but that was my only winter jacket. For a moment I was frozen. It wasn’t just because I was freezing cold. It was because I didn’t know what to do. Run back down the hill to help? That house would be swarming with people in just a minute. Jump back into the water and find my jacket? It was too cold. But it wasn’t the temperature of the water that was preventing that option. I didn’t want to feel like I was drowning again.
A chill ran down my spine. And it wasn’t from the cool wind against my wet clothes. Or even from the horrific scene in front of me.