Prologue
When you’re fifteen, life-defining moments aren’t very obvious, especially the ones we never see coming. There are no bright flashing signs warning you to proceed through the situation with caution, that the very instance will somehow mark you, change you, maybe enough to shatter you into two broken pieces—the before-you and the after-you pieces.
It’s not until after the dust settles and time passes that you look back, remembering those moments, more slowly, with every last detail, and realize your heart and brain have been diseased for so long by your own memory. This is when you see nothing has defined you more than that one small moment you allowed to last a lifetime.
My moment was on the kind of summer night your clothes stuck to your skin and everything melted with sweat and heat. The four of us were out in the stone garden, under an ink-black sky. We sat around the fire pit, the heat from the flames adding to the sweat slicking my skin, trickling droplets down my spine.
The adults were all busy, we last saw them at dinner, flushed and bug-eyed, swirling dark red wine around in their glasses and laughing too loudly. Vaughn had his friends over earlier, so did Chloe. A mishmash of filthy-rich, trust-fund kids boasting about their summer plans—some of Chloe’s friends only acknowledged me to snicker about the short hem of my dress, while Vaughn’s friends stared me down with wolf eyes until he told them all to leave. I stood on the outside for almost an hour, quietly watching, plucking out blades of their beautifully manicured grass from where I sat on the lawn, building up enough courage to speak. Matteo hung back too, in the outskirts until all the twins’ end-of-school friends left and it was just the four of us: Me, the twins—Vaughn and Chloe—and Matteo.
The way it was every summer I could remember.
The way we survived every endless summer day of our childhood since we were born. Long hot summers, lifetimes ago, back when I once believed in love. I can remember those summers were full of Vaughn, and the innocent euphoria and giddiness that penetrated everything around me. It smelled like fresh-turned earth and pungent wildflowers when we picnicked in the fields behind the stables. It sounded like heavy gasping breaths, teasing laughter, and the splash of water as our bodies sliced through the surface of the lake.
We’d spend mornings in their country club’s playground, clambering up the slides and tumbling down the hot metal, ending tangled up in each other’s arms. Afternoons sharing a hot fudge sundae in the small ice cream parlor in town. Lying side by side by the lake soaking in the sun, our skin sticky with lotion.
At night when the parents all went to their rooms, we’d camp out together, huddled under the covers, gripping sheets, trying to quiet each other’s gasps and moans.
“I’m glad everyone finally left,” Vaughn murmured, sipping at the bottle of champagne Matteo swiped stealthily from the dinner table. “Chloe and I couldn’t wait until you got here.” He leaned forward, almost touching the small flames of the fire, to hand me the bottle.
I took a quick swig, savoring the icy sweetness until the aftertaste made my stomach curl. Somewhere deep inside the enormous house laughter rang out. “I couldn’t wait to get here either,” I said, glad for the fire in front of me so I could easily blame it for my sudden blush. The four of us kept in touch always, through emails and social media all year long, but it was Vaughn I missed the most, it was Vaughn that filled my every thought in the long winter months away from him.
On the other side of the fire, he raised an eyebrow and smiled at me.
Was he thinking of the things we’d each written to each other about? The thing I was to him? The things he wanted me to be? The thoughts we secretly shared that made my heart race and my stomach clench so tightly I had to press my balled fists between my legs to ease the ache?
The fire crackled between us, shooting sparks up into the night sky, and somewhere off in the distance thunder growled low.
My hair whipped across my vision by a sudden warm breeze, and the hem of my white linen dress fluttered up away from me. The instant drop of Vaughn’s eyes against my bare legs made me shiver. Beads of sweat formed at his temple. I watched as one crawled down the side of his face until he wiped it away.
I ran my hands down the front of my thighs and sucked in a quick breath trying to tame the material. Vaughn leaned back, gaze still locked on my knees and thighs, his fingers fisting tightly at his sides.
“That’s a nice one,” Chloe giggled with a click and sharp flash of light to my left. “No, don’t move!” she laughed from behind her camera phone when I started to squirm. “Your hair is crazy wild, you don’t mind if I post it, do you? You look stunning.” Chloe was our social media queen, forever showcasing her impeccably charmed life. God, I loved her. I spent the last few months longing to see her again and running to our special hiding spot to gush about boys and books and things that you could only ever tell someone you made a sister-squad oath with when you were seven. My stomach was a knot of twisted-up nerves trying to figure out how I was going to tell her I might be in love with her brother. She knew we messed around, but love—we never talked about love.
“Chloe, take a few more,” Matteo said, coming up behind me. The palm of his hand was clammy against my forearm, and when he crouched down closer to me, the smell of bitter champagne sweetened his breath. Chloe kept snapping pictures until Matteo slapped his wet lips over my cheek for a kiss. The color drained right out of Chloe’s face, and her phone and hands immediately fell into her lap as she quickly looked away.
I needed to ask her about that later—if there might be something there between them—something I didn’t know yet. She had mentioned in her emails how she had a huge crush on someone she shouldn’t. Matteo fit that bill; he was their maid’s son, and lived in the small apartments on the outskirts of their estate. Her parents wanted her to only date boys who attended Ivy League schools and had a bank account a princess could envy. Matteo was not one of those boys. He got bused to public school every day while the twins attended a private school that rivaled in cost with Matteo’s mother’s monthly salary. We heard our mothers talk about him once, how shameful it was the poor boy didn’t even know who his own father was—probably some drifter from one of the local bars his mother took up with. Chloe and I never spoke about it after. We loved Matteo all the same. He belonged here with us all summer, an integral part of our quartet. Without him, each of us would be lost. I secretly wished they would find feelings for one another like Vaughn and I had.
“Hey, I have something for you,” Vaughn said, jumping past the fire and pulling me from Matteo’s grasp. The heat of the flames danced dangerously close to us, almost to the point of pain along the bare skin of my legs.
Chloe stood up with us, shoving me forward, tickling my ribs. “Hurry up, though, and Vaughn, you can only have her for yourself a few minutes,” she whined, “then you two boys need to leave us be for the night so we can catch up properly.” She gave me a leveled look to demonstrate how serious she was about the matter.
Matteo clucked his lips. I snuck a quick glance at him and caught him rolling his eyes.
“Chloe, we have the entire summer to be together. You don’t get to hog her all yourself the very first night she’s here.” Vaughn reached down for my hand and slid his fingers through mine. My cheeks flamed and my stomach burst into wild flutters.