I gasp awake, sitting straight up in bed. The room is dark, but familiar— my bedroom. I fall back, sinking into my pillows. My heart races, I work to take slow breaths. Happy to be able to breathe at all after the feeling of suffocation woke me. I throw an arm over my face. A dream. Just a weird dream.
It lacked the clarity that the first vision had but it had felt familiar enough that it could have been a part of my memories resurfacing.
These memories aren’t good. They feel more like small hurts, building to something else, something full of pain. Could that be the reason why my mind or medication has blocked them till now? Goose bumps cover my skin. Cold, my blood feels cold in my body. The chill is persistent; I don’t know how to dispel it. To sleep again.
The clacking of a keyboard from the living room has my ears perking up. Matthew. I hadn’t wanted to wake him, which seems silly since he’d be fine without “sleep”, but if he is already awake…
I put on a robe over my tank top and shorts. The material falls silkily around me and doesn’t add warmth, but it helps me feel less exposed. It doesn’t matter when it comes to Matthew. I can ignore the heated looks he sends me because he doesn’t experience a biological desire. But covering up is what allows me to hide my reaction to him.
I smooth the robe and try to keep myself from thinking too hard at the impulse to seek him out. Sleeping right now is impossible. The sensation of drowning too fresh.
The light causes me to squint when I walk into the main area. Matthew leans back on the couch, bare feet propped on the coffee table, rapidly typing on his laptop. Seeing him so relaxed eases an unnoticed tightness in my chest. Matthew looks up from the laptop, worried.
“Are you okay?”
I only nod, suddenly shy. What do I say? I had a bad dream and want to spend some time with him? Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea. I shift my weight from foot to foot trying to decide what to say or if I should just retreat into my room. Before I settle the debate, Matthew sets the laptop on the coffee table and gestures for me to sit next to him.
The offer of contact pulls me, I crave the warmth too much to turn him down. I curl up next to him on the couch. He puts an arm around me, and it’s as if I’m finally connected to my physical body again after the dream. I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder.
“Thank you,” I say quietly.
“Bad dream?”
The brush of his breath on my hair makes me shiver.
“Something like that. Maybe more, it’s so messed up in my brain that I can’t keep track of what is real and what is just a nightmare.” Just saying that out loud makes me want to hide. Matthew hums and the rumble lulls me into a fragile comfort.
Our position is reminiscent of how we were a few hours ago when we watched a movie together. Our interactions had held a comfortable air up to that point. I didn’t question the time we had spent together, that we had breakfast and dinner together.
It all felt so easy. Being a friend. Spending time with another person felt like exercising a muscle that had borderline atrophied from disuse. Familiar but slightly painful. Sean and I would spend hours together just keeping each other company.
I had been teasing Matthew for his movie choice, for all that his creation is the epitome of technology and he wanted to watch lightsabers, riding high on the fact that we were still getting along, when I noticed the issue of cuddling up on the couch together.
The beginning soundtrack of Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope started right as my heart rate began to pick up. I had chosen my seat next to Matthew without thought, as if I were sitting next to Sean when we had watched movies.
Sitting with the side of my body pressed against Sean’s as we shared the bowl of popcorn is not the same thing as cuddling up to Matthew. His body had stiffened in surprise when I chose my seat, then he relaxed and wrapped an arm around me. It was a mistake to feel his warmth, to have our faces be so close. The contact and darkness kept my body at a low burn throughout the movie no matter how hard I tried to distract myself.
I had escaped as soon as the credits ran. Giving some excuse about being tired and going to bed early. It’s not wise to guilelessly curl up in the same position that had sexually frustrated me mere hours ago, but it isn’t in me to deny myself the comfort I need right now.
I try to ignore Matthew’s body as I enjoy the warmth of his skin. Little by little the effects of the dream ease away. Small things begin to come to my attention, slowly changing my awareness. The heaviness of the air, the coiling tension of his body against mine. Matthew’s breathing goes shallow. A shiver travels over my skin.
Curiosity draws my gaze to Matthews face and my own breathing becomes affected. Matthew looks down at me, enraptured. The tickle of the air from his breath on my breasts makes me realize that my robe and tank top gape. The fabric still clings against my nipples, a delicate barrier on sensitized skin, but he can see everything else from his vantage point. My body heats. A sensation like hot syrup flows over my skin, the sticky burn making it hard to think of anything else.
Mentally, I try to reel myself in. His reactions don’t mean anything, they are only the result of a running program, a manufactured response… It isn’t quite true but it’s what I cling to, so my sense of logic stays afloat. But my logic quickly dissolves, sugar in water, against the bodily contact and expression of this man.
“Matthew?”
Guilty, he snaps his head up and looks away, adjusting his position on the couch with a wince that has me automatically look down. Surprise has my eyes widening and my mouth opens on its own.
“Jesus Christ, did you give yourself an upgrade? There is no way that is standard issue.”
No. I did not just say that. Those words did not just come out of my mouth.
Matthew looks shocked speechless before he throws his head back in a laugh. My face is on fire. Embarrassment triggers my flight response; I lurch to leave because there is no coming back from saying something like that. Matthew pulls me into his arms, thwarting my escape, as he continues laughing at my expense.
Our bodies press against each other now since Matthew has pulled me onto his lap. He laughs into my hair. His erection presses against me. It had looked thick with the sweatpants stretched over it. The memory of it makes a sound build in my throat. I squeeze my legs together, feeling empty and slick. It turns out that being massively embarrassed does not stop one from being aroused, or it just doesn’t stop me.
So many questions about what capabilities he has race through my mind. I had made some incorrect assumptions about Matthew’s ability to feel desire. My body goes haywire, it doesn’t help that Matthew crushes me to his chest, more in restraint than in a hug. Slowly his laughter starts to subside.
“Your fucking mouth is going to get you in trouble one of these days.” His words come out as if relaxed but gravelly and I snort.
“You seem to like my mouth.” I shift on his lap helplessly. Only partly able to suppress a humiliating sound as his cock swells against my ass.
Matthew chuckles darkly. “I can’t deny that.”
I try again to pull myself from him but it’s useless with his strength holding me. “Matthew, we can’t.”
I don’t say exactly what we can’t do but the heaviness of suggestion in the air is all the context needed. My breath comes out in pants and his face nuzzles deeper into my hair.