She was the last person I wanted to see right now, but I followed Delilah as she ran into the hallway, replying, “What’s wrong?”
The moment of the final unveiling had arrived.
Viola, now at the top of the stairs, was frozen in place. She took one look at her best friend, then her vengeful eyes found mine. “What did you do to my friend, you bastard?”
Delilah’s shoulders seized with guilt, so I made her face me. When I turned this young woman around, I finally saw sunken eyes, pale skin, and a sadness that was haunting.
Is this because of— “Did I hurt you?”
Delilah was already shaking her head, but now I could see she was lying.
My heart pounded as Viola’s next words seeped into my frazzled mind. “What? Wait, why wouldn’t you know?”
I couldn’t stop staring into the eyes that belonged to the damaged soul in my hold. “She thinks—” Can this be true? “She says—” Have I somehow hurt the one I treasure most? “I don’t remember things.” What have I done? “Oh, Jesus.” I could feel my voice wobble with fear. “Delilah? Tell me I haven’t hurt you.”
Her hand laid on my chest. “Shh, I’m okay. Look into my eyes again, Kenny. Remember who I am.”
Why does she keep saying that?
Delilah guided me and V to her desk. She sat back down while we stood on either side of her. Viola was very involved, asking questions, but my mind raced to comprehend what was happening.
To hear someone say you may have dissociative amnesia was like waking up in another universe. The only reason I believed Delilah, at all, was because I was, indeed, having a loss of time, and the fact that I knew Delilah would never lie to me. I was in such shock. It was almost impossible to hear all that she was saying, but I heard words like split personalities, hallucinations, triggers, and switching.
Delilah went on to explain, “Kenny, it says the ‘switch’ can happen in seconds, and it explains your hallucinations.”
Feeling rather numb by this point, my eyes drifted to Viola, who was now covering her mouth, staring at me. She was mumbling, “Today. At school.”
I blinked. “H-Hallucinate?”
Delilah told me storms were something that triggered me easily. She said more, I think. Even Viola tried to sound encouraging while reading from an article, but it was too late. My mind was melting. I started pacing the room, wondering what had transpired during my ‘lost’ moments. Or was it hours? I was too panicked to ask, so I paced her bedroom, suddenly wanting to run.
Begging myself not to abandon Delilah, to be strong enough to hear the worst news a young man can hear, I rested my back against her bedroom wall, hoping it could ground me. The wall had me, but my legs didn’t. I slid to the floor. There is where I asked her how many personalities I had.
After Delilah told me I had a ‘sweet’ Kenny, she kept talking, but I couldn’t get past the ‘sweet Kenny’ comment that meant I also had a ‘mean Kenny’.
What happened next would be a secret that Delilah and Viola would hold close to their hearts for a very long time.
Once my next blackout—my ‘switch’—had ended, I woke to Viola holding a destroyed Delilah in her lap. All of us sitting on the floor. V was screaming at me, “You fucking bastard! I will fucking kill you with my bare hands!”
“Darlin’? Jesus, Delilah, what’s wrong?”
I rushed forward but stopped when Viola, the girl who feared nothing, seemed completely petrified of me, her scream the only defense keeping me at bay. “Get away from her!”
Horrified that she was so upset, I begged, “Viola, what happened? Did I hurt her?”
Nothing. Nothing could have ever prepared me for what Viola had to say. It was apparent that mean Kenny had taken over during this time loss. Whatever he did or said to her was tormenting and had even V scared. Her words were like knives being stabbed into my ears, so deep they sliced my soul.
In the gas station bathroom, “No!” my fist rammed into the mirror, over and over, until Art had his arm around my throat from behind, yanking me backward.
At the same time, I kept seeing Delilah—that precious girl—reaching out to me. After what I had done, how could she even want to ever look at me again, let alone touch me? Delilah’s unrelenting kindness shattered me. It confirmed I had hurt my angel. I cursed God… and most of all, myself. “Nooooo! Noooo!”
Large bodies struggled with me in that gas station bathroom. Then, something hit me on the back of my head.
I went limp in Art’s firm grip.
CHAPTER FIVE
The trip to Texas was almost a metaphor. I was traveling—on the road—and running from my past. The men making me do so were almost like my split personalities, taking craved power from me. I was on the road, traveling through the guilt of circumstances out of my control. I may have left behind the only true home I had ever known, yet I was about to find a home like no other. My mind had splintered in the bathroom at the gas station, while on the road, yet it was setting me on a needed path; a journey that would be my biggest challenge.
A haunted dream would help point the way…
This time, I didn’t wake in a barn, after leaving Delilah and Viola behind. I was still in Delilah’s car, leaving her brother in the front yard, solemn and confused. Driving as fast as I could, there was no outrunning my imagination. I kept picturing what I might have done to Delilah. I imagined her soft hands pushing against my bare chest, begging me not to rip her virginity from her. I bit through my lip as I pictured some horrid version of me plowing into her innocence.
I could somehow relate to how awful it must have been for Delilah, and then a familiar feeling of failing someone caused a tormenting pain in my heart. I couldn’t bear it. It was making me so sick inside that when I swerved around a curve on Highway 94, and Delilah’s purse tipped—spilling out her belongings, I happily opened the bottle of sleeping pills Cole had told me about. With a leftover bottle of water, I swallowed them all.
They didn’t even have time to take effect before one of my personalities took over. It was mind-blowing to witness his rage when I had never met him before. This angry Kenny called me a pussy, pissed that I was bringing about his end. In the dream, my newfound madness was incurable, so again, I ran the car straight into the big, sturdy, old oak tree.
After the crash, I wasn’t with regret. In fact, I was thankful that I would never be able to hurt anyone again.
The silence was nice.
The creaking of the tree stopped. The car ceased groaning and settled into its new shape. Fluids eventually stopped flowing. The fire taking form alarmed me as my eyes kept trying to close. I was completely mangled, trapped in her car with no chance of escaping, which was the purpose of the crash, but I didn’t want to burn alive. That’s when it dawned on me, the pills. They were working and numbing me. I would soon sleep through the agonizing pain brought on by fire. I smiled as I thought of Delilah and wondered if she would ever know the gift she gave me in the end with those pills.
As my eyes began to close for the last time, the flames consumed the hood of the car. I understood the fire’s power as it grew. It made me think of my personalities and how they ate and destroyed everything in their path…