“I only did that to impress you,” he said softly, gently.
My heart stopped.
Suddenly, I felt like I was going to throw up again. Why the hell did Cooper make me feel this way? And why did I suddenly feel like I’d missed something really important as a kid? For years, I’d run over the sequence of events that had changed my life, but I’d never been able to actually find any answers.
Maybe this was my chance.
“What are you talking about?” I asked. “You hated me.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“In what world, Cordelia?”
“In my world,” I said. “You were always teasing me and laughing at me.”
“What are you talking about?” He looked confused.
“You and your friends,” I said. “You were always starting rumors about me.”
“No, I never did.”
“What?”
It seemed as though he didn’t remember...
But I remembered.
I remembered the stories about me that circulated at my school: stories that I was a weirdo. I remember stories about my parents being poor. People made up stories about my dad’s death and sometimes people spread rumors that he’d been a drug dealer – not that he’d died when I’d been little. Cooper had started those rumors.
Hadn’t he?
“Cordelia, I never laughed at you or started rumors about you. Is that why you were so hot and cold with me? You thought I was starting rumors?” Pain crossed his face, and I realized suddenly that I had made a mistake. I just didn’t know what it was yet.
“Yes,” I whispered. I felt my face go pale.
He stilled, and it was his turn to ask a question. It was one I’d been hoping no one would ask because I knew that I wasn’t going to like what the answer was going to be.
“Who told you I started rumors about you, Cor?”
We both knew the answer before I said a damn word. It had been my best friend. She’d whispered in my ear every time we saw Cooper and his group of friends laughing or joking. No matter what I did, she had always been there. At the time, I thought she was just being a good friend. Now I wondered if there was another reason she had been whispering to me.
They started a story last night about your dad, Cordelia. I’m so sorry...
They’ve been telling everyone what a weirdo you are. I’m sorry, Cordelia...
Hey, Cordelia...I just wanted to let you know that Cooper is total scum. He told everyone you kissed Brendan Marks. Can you believe it?
She’d been the one who had told me that they were making fun of me, and other people seemed to know the rumors, so I had believed her. For years, I’d believed her. After all, why wouldn’t I believe my very best friend?
“Larissa told me,” I whispered.
“She was never your friend, Cordelia. I tried to tell you.”
I remember hating Cooper. I remember fighting with him about Larissa. At the time, I’d thought...well, I didn’t know what I’d thought. He’d been my buddy, and we’d always had a rivalry of sorts. We’d fought on the playground and we’d competed against each other. In middle school, we’d grown apart, and that was when I’d found Larissa.
Had she really been the wedge that had driven us apart?
“Why would she lie to me about that?” I asked.
“Larissa was always jealous of you, Cordelia. You were the most beautiful girl in school, and she knew it. The only way she could even think of competing with you is by tearing you down.”
The words hit me in the belly. My soul seemed to shriek as realization washed over me. It had been her. It hadn’t been Cooper betraying our friendship or crushing my dreams. It had been Larissa. She was the reason I had been in so much pain.
Suddenly, I knew I actually was going to throw up. I ran, racing down the little hallway of the bakery and to the bathroom. I flung open the door and dropped to my knees beside the toilet. Then I started heaving. Up came my lunch. Up came the cookies I’d taste tested.
Up came everything.
The entire past had been a lie.
Everything I’d known had been fake: a narrative designed to...what?
Keep me away from Cooper?
Keep me submissive?
Keep me isolated?
I’d never really considered Larissa to be abusive to me: cruel, yes. That had been it, though. I’d always felt like she betrayed me, but that was all I’d thought. She’d made a mistake. He’d asked her out, and she’d accepted.
But if what he was saying was true, then why had Larissa urged me to ask him?
I puked, and I started to cry as I threw up. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like anything was as black and white as I’d always thought that it was. Suddenly, it felt like everything I knew was crashing and burning all around me.
I felt a hand on my back. Cooper. Cooper was with me, kneeling beside me. He pulled my hair back from my face and rubbed my back as I continued to vomit into the toilet. I was in too much pain to care or be embarrassed. I was hurting too much to feel too upset about the fact that he was witnessing me being vulnerable.
“You’re going to be okay,” he whispered.
I didn’t know if that was true anymore.
4.
Cooper
WHAT EXACTLY HAD HAPPENED all of those years ago?
Cordelia’s reaction to my comment about Larissa hadn’t been what I expected. In fact, I had never understood why she’d continued to hang out with Larissa despite the girl’s obvious mean streak. Larissa had been a total bitch in high school. She’d been mean to everyone, including me, and I’d only asked her to the prom as a favor to her brother. It had been obvious that Cordelia wasn’t going to say yes if I asked her out, and I had mistakenly assumed that Larissa and I could double date with Cordelia and whoever she had chosen to go with.
I had been 17, and I’d been an idiot. I’d figured that going to the prom with Larissa would be a one-time event that would give me a chance to hang out with her best friend. It had been stupid, and it hadn’t exactly gone as planned. When Larissa blurted out that Cordelia had been planning to ask me to the prom, I should have immediately ditched Larissa. I should have said, “See-ya-later-bye.” I tried to talk to Cordelia in the days that followed, and she wouldn’t even look at me.
Not that I blamed her.
I had seen the expression on her face when she heard that Larissa and I were going to the prom together. It was the look of someone realizing that everything they’d ever believed was a lie. She had been crushed, and it had shown in her eyes. For the very first time, I’d caused deep, unbearable pain to another human, and there had been nothing I could do about it.
Over the years, I’d moved on. I’d dated other people. I’d grown as a person. I’d gone to college, returned to my hometown, and gotten my position at the school. I’d never forgotten Cordelia. I’d missed her so much, but I’d also never felt like I was good enough to keep trying to talk to her. In my mind, she would do better if I just left her alone.
Now, looking at her, rubbing her back as she vomited, I wondered what hell she’d gone through. She must have felt so alone, and I was partially to blame for that. What would have happened if I’d fought harder for her? Would things be different now?