All my love,
Mum x
Livvy wiped at wet cheeks. How much could a woman cry before she had no more tears to fall? She wasn’t sure if they were for her mum, for her sister, or for herself and Pip. Because she had made such a mess of her life.
What would have happened if she’d known that James was her brother and not her half-brother? Would she have met him, got on with him? Would he have offered support to look after mum so that she didn’t feel so tied down? Would she have stayed in Somerley, gone to college there?
No, none of that was true. She still would have left because she was after an excuse.
She blushed as she thought of the reasons why. At eighteen she hadn’t wanted to be saddled with looking after her mum. She’d preferred to go out with her friends, get drunk, and go to lots of parties.
She’d wanted to go to college but felt guilty that she was leaving everything to Hannah. And the course she had her eye on was in Manchester, which meant moving away, and she wouldn’t be able to do that to Hannah without feeling guilty.
So instead she’d taken off, pretending to her mum that it was because of their argument when it hadn’t been that at all. She’d just needed a reason; chosen to use that as one.
She’d meant to call, send a letter but weeks turned into months, and then years, and it was easier not to think about her life in Somerley. She would have been embarrassed to come back. Now she was annoyed with herself for staying with a loser for so long rather than coming home to her family.
Another memory popped in her mind before she could stop it. She was about eight, so Hannah would have been ten. She was sitting round the table in the front room with her mum and dad as they were doing a jigsaw puzzle. The picture was of a plate of baked beans. Livvy kept losing patience as she’d tried to fit in pieces that clearly didn’t fit. But her dad had pulled her onto his knee and helped her to put a few more in the right place. She remembered punching the air as she clicked in the last one too.
For a long time, she’d been the missing piece to their family.
But maybe she had an opportunity to be part of things again. Yes, she was right back where she’d started but it was a new beginning. And she was going to give it the best chance she could.
Hannah seemed really forgiving, though. Maybe she was in shock and would have a go at her later. But her mum was right. She had Lockley blood running through her. She was a fighter.
She must be to keep going through what had happened in her life so far.
Pip lay on the bed, curled up in the foetal position. Through watery eyes, she looked around the room. It was nicely decorated in pale peach and green, the bedding matching the curtains. Hannah had said it had been the spare room for ages, since her mum – Pip’s nan – had been unable to make the stairs.
She wondered what her nan had been like. Similar to her mum? Or Hannah? Maybe a bit of both. She’d never know now.
She still couldn’t believe her mum hadn’t told her about her past. Over the years, she’d questioned her about it. Had she got any brothers or sisters, or had Pip got another set of grandparents? Her nan and granddad on her dad’s side were alive and, even though she hardly ever saw them, they sent her cards and money for birthdays and Christmas. She had an uncle too, Kenny. He was married to Sandra, but they had no children.
Even as she’d grown older, and more inquisitive, everything about her mum remained out of bounds to ask about. She’d always change the subject if Pip mentioned it, so she’d given up after a while. It had got to the point where she never said anything at all.
But now, some of it had been lies. Pip had a grandma she’d never met, who had only recently died. She also had an auntie who seemed really nice on first meeting her, and another uncle. So she couldn’t understand why her mum had stayed away for so long, or not even visited; nor why she hadn’t mentioned it.
She’d tell her soon though. This was something Pip wouldn’t stop talking about until she got to the truth. Because, without warning, everything she knew had either changed or gone. She hadn’t seen her dad in six months either. At first, she’d sent him messages and rung him a few times, but there had never been a reply, so she’d given up after a few weeks. She loved him and missed him so much, even though he’d worked away a lot.
Pip let tears of pity fall. She had no friends here and had to register at a new school. It wasn’t going to be easy to fit in again, not at her age.
She wondered what it was really like in Somerley. On first impressions, Hope Street did seem better than the area they’d come from, even if she had pulled her face when they’d arrived.
Perhaps she needed to give everything a chance before throwing her toys out of the pram at every opportunity. Or for a few days at least.
Chapter Eight
Livvy woke the next morning, for a moment forgetting where she was. But as reality sunk in, she gave out a dramatic sigh. Yesterday it had all seemed possible but waking up to another day, the doubts were quick to resurface.
How had she ended up right back where she’d started, with only a daughter she was proud of to her name? She had no money, no home, no partner to care for her. She was squatting in her childhood home. Could it be any worse?
Hannah’s bedroom was so much different from the one she’d left behind in Manchester. Somehow, it also felt more grown up. Blue and lilac floral bedding co-ordinated with full-length curtains at the window. The bed was so comfortable she didn’t want to get out of it. White wallpaper made it a bright place to be.
Her old bedroom had never been anything but dull. Magnolia painted walls and no permission to decorate from the landlord to make it more individual. It was barely large enough for the double bed and wardrobe squeezed in, both second-hand brought many years previous. She reckoned the whole of the flat could fit in the upstairs of her childhood home. Yet again, it made her feel inadequate.
She huddled underneath the duvet, even though it wasn’t that cold, and started to make a mental list of what she had to do. For now, she didn’t need to worry about rent, and she could put money towards the bills once she’d sorted out a job. She’d make an appointment today at Hedworth Jobcentre and visit as quickly as she could. There would be benefits she could claim if necessary.
She’d never been a shirker, but Somerley wasn’t a huge place; neither was the city centre, but she would do anything. There was nothing too low. In the meantime, she’d check out their website to see if there was anything she could apply for. She also needed to get more groceries in and speak to Hannah about the letter.
But then, if she got a job, that would mean she was staying and she wasn’t sure it was a good idea, no matter what Hannah had said last night. How could she start again in the place she’d longed to escape from when she was a young girl? The place she left behind as she made a hash of her life.
If she hadn’t met Kieran, maybe things would have been different.
Yes. No. Maybe.
Oh, who was she kidding? It was her fault as much as it was his. She hadn’t had to put up with everything. She’d just been too weak to leave before now. If it weren’t for her circumstances, she might still be in Manchester. And Kieran would have known where to find her.
To her left, she could see a framed photo of Hannah and Doug. She picked it up and drew it closer. They looked so happy. He was cuddling her from behind and they were both beaming into the camera.