Rebels often gravitate toward work with a Wild West element—such as my Rebel friend who works in disruptive technology (not just any technology, he’s careful to emphasize, but disruptive technology). Rebels resist hierarchies and rules, and they often work better with others when they’re in charge. However, the opposite of a profound truth is also true, and surprisingly, some Rebels gravitate to institutions with many rules. As one commenter noted, “Letting others have control can bring freedom as well. You’d probably find more Rebels in the military than you’d suspect.” Another Rebel noted: “Perhaps Rebels need a boundary to bend, flex, and break. Left to my own devices, I become restless and unproductive because there are no rules to break or no to-do list, which at the end of the day I look at, and think, ‘Hooray, I didn’t do any of those things.’ ”
Anytime I speak about the Tendencies, I ask people to raise their hands to indicate their category. I was surprised when a group of Christian ministers had an unusually high percentage of Rebels. A Rebel clergy member explained: “Clergy think of themselves as called and therefore different. They have the blessing of their colleagues, congregation, and God, which sets them above many things in life, including rules.”
No surprise—Rebels resist habits. I met a woman who was, I immediately realized, a Rebel. I asked, “Don’t you find it exhausting to make choices every single day?”
“No,” she answered. “Making choices makes me feel free.”
“I give myself limits to give myself freedom,” I told her.
She shook her head. “Freedom means no limits. To me, a life controlled by habits sounds dead.”
Rebels resist habits, but they can embrace habit-like behaviors by tying their actions to their choices. A Rebel explained, “If I have to do something ‘every day,’ it guarantees I won’t do it. But if I take it one day at a time, and decide I’ll do it this time, then more often than not I end up with a streak.”
Most people, by a huge margin, are Questioners or Obligers. Very few are Rebels, and, to my astonishment, I discovered that the Upholder category is also tiny. (In fact, because Upholders and Rebels are such small categories, people who try to shape people’s habits on a large scale—employers, device manufacturers, insurance companies, instructors—do better to focus on solutions that help Questioners, by providing sound reasons, and Obligers, by providing accountability.)
We often learn most about ourselves by learning about other people, and when I began my habits research, I assumed that I was pretty average—I feel pretty average—so it was a shock to realize that as an Upholder, I’m actually an extreme and rare type of personality.
I mentioned my surprise to my husband, Jamie, who said, “Of course you have an extreme personality. I could have told you that.”
“Really?” I said. “How did you know?”
“I’ve been married to you for eighteen years.”
Novelist Jean Rhys observed, “One is born either to go with or to go against.” From what I’ve observed, our Tendencies are hardwired, and while they can be offset to some degree, they can’t be changed. While it’s often difficult to identify a child’s Tendency (I still can’t figure out the Tendencies of my two daughters), by adulthood, most people fall into a Tendency that shapes their perception and behavior in a fundamental way.
Yet whatever our Tendency, with greater experience and wisdom, we can learn to counterbalance its negative aspects. As an Upholder, for instance, I’ve learned to resist my inclination to meet an expectation unthinkingly, and to ask, “Why am I meeting this expectation, anyway?”
Being married to a Questioner has helped me to learn to question more myself—or I rely on Jamie to question for me. One night we were at the theater, and at intermission I told him, “So far, I really do not like this play.” Jamie replied, “I don’t, either. Let’s go home.” I thought—what, can we just go? And we did. My first instinct is to do what’s expected of me, but when Jamie scoffs, “Nah, you don’t have to do that,” it’s easier for me to decide, “That’s right, I don’t have to do that.”
For his part, I think Jamie has become more of an Upholder over the years, at least at home. Although he’s inclined to meet my requests with questions—“Why do I have to do that?” “What’s the point?” “Can’t I do that later?”—he’s learned that I always have a reason for a request, and it bugs me to have to spell it out. He’s improved (somewhat) at accepting my expectations without prolonged debate.
Knowing our Tendency can help us frame habits in a compelling way. I exercise regularly because it’s on my to-do list; a Questioner rattles off the health benefits of exercise; an Obliger takes a weekly bike ride with a partner; and when my Rebel friend Leslie Fandrich wrote about how she started running, she emphasized Rebel values of freedom and desire: “Running seems like the most efficient and independent way to get myself back into shape … I can go when it suits my schedule without having to pay for a gym membership. I also love getting outside for some fresh air and it’s a great way to listen to new music.”
The Four Tendencies can provide valuable guidance to anyone trying to help others change: a boss trying to help employees to be more productive; or a health-care provider trying to prod people to take their medication; or a consultant, coach, trainer, or therapist trying to help people achieve their aims. If we’re trying to persuade people to adopt a habit, we have more success if we consider their Tendency. For example, a Questioner may present an Obliger with sound reasons for taking an action, but those logical arguments don’t matter nearly as much to an Obliger as external accountability. An Upholder can lecture a Questioner on obligation—and make a Questioner less likely to meet an expectation, because Questioners question all obligations. A friend told me her strategy when her Rebel father’s doctor prescribed a medication. “The doctor went on about how important it was to take the medicine. I know better than to tell my father what to do, so afterward, when he said, ‘What do you think, should I take it?’ I said, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it.’ He said, ‘What, you want me to die?’ and he takes it.”
For the most part, although they may regret the downsides, Upholders, Questioners, and Rebels tend to embrace their category. I love being an Upholder, even though I recognize its pitfalls. My Upholderness allowed me to take the steps that led to a clerkship with Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, and when I decided to become a writer, it enabled me to make an enormous career switch. (Of course, my Upholderness also meant that I spent a lot of time worrying about things like whether a comma should be italicized in a footnote reference to a law journal. For real.) Questioners sometimes feel exhausted by their questioning, but they do think everyone should be Questioners, because that approach is most rational. Rebels sometimes say they wish they could follow the rules, but they wouldn’t want to stop being Rebels.