Questioners are motivated by sound reasons—or at least what they believe to be sound reasons. In fact, Questioners can sometimes seem like crackpots, because they may reject expert opinion in favor of their own conclusions. They ignore those who say, “Why do you think you know more about cancer than your doctor?” or “Everyone prepares the report one way, why do you insist on your own crazy format?”
Questioners come in two flavors: some Questioners have an inclination to Uphold, and others have an inclination to Rebel (like being “Virgo with Scorpio rising”). My husband, Jamie, questions everything, but it’s not too hard to persuade him to uphold. As an Upholder, I doubt I could be married happily to someone who wasn’t an Upholder or a Questioner/Upholder. Which is a sobering thought.
If Questioners believe that a particular habit is worthwhile, they’ll stick to it—but only if they’re satisfied about the habit’s usefulness.
Obligers
Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations. They’re motivated by external accountability; they wake up and think, “What must I do today?” Because Obligers excel at meeting external demands and deadlines, and go to great lengths to meet their responsibilities, they make terrific colleagues, family members, and friends—which I know firsthand, because my mother and my sister are both Obligers.
Because Obligers resist inner expectations, it’s difficult for them to self-motivate—to work on a PhD thesis, to attend networking events, to get their car serviced. Obligers depend on external accountability, with consequences such as deadlines, late fees, or the fear of letting other people down. One Obliger wrote on my blog, “I don’t feel a sense of accountability to my calendar, just to the people associated with the appointments. If the entry is just ‘go for a jog’ I’m not likely to do it.” Another Obliger summarized: “Promises made to yourself can be broken. It’s the promises made to others that should never be broken.” Obligers need external accountability even for activities that they want to do. An Obliger told me, “I never made time to read, so I joined a book group where you’re really expected to read the book.” Behavior that Obligers sometimes attribute to self-sacrifice—“Why do I always make time for other people’s priorities at the expense of my own priorities?”—is often better explained as need for accountability.
Obligers find ingenious ways to create external accountability. One Obliger explained, “I wanted to go to basketball games, but I never went. I bought season tickets with my brother, and now I go, because he’s annoyed if I don’t show.” Another said, “If I want to clean out my closet this weekend, I call a charity now, to come and pick up my donations on Monday.” Another Obliger said, with regret, “I signed up for a photography course, because I knew I needed assignments and deadlines. I took several classes, then thought, ‘I love it, so I don’t need to take a class.’ Guess how many photos I’ve taken since? One.” Next semester, he’s taking a class.
The need to be a role model often prompts Obligers to keep good habits. One Obliger friend eats vegetables only when his children can see him, and another told me, “I knew I’d never practice piano, so I waited until my kids could take lessons—and now we do it together, and I have to practice, because if I don’t, they won’t.” Obligers can sometimes do things for the sake of others that they couldn’t do for themselves. Several Obligers told me, practically in the same words, “If it weren’t for the children, I’d still be stuck in a bad marriage. I had to get the divorce for my kids.”
The weight of outer expectations can make Obligers susceptible to burnout, because they have trouble telling people “no.” An Obliger explained, “I drop everything to proofread my colleagues’ reports, but I’m terrible about making time to finish my own reports.”
Obligers may find it difficult to form a habit, because often we undertake habits for our own benefit, and Obligers do things more easily for others than for themselves. For them, the key is external accountability.
Rebels
Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They choose to act from a sense of choice, of freedom. Rebels wake up and think, “What do I want to do today?” They resist control, even self-control, and enjoy flouting rules and expectations.
Rebels work toward their own goals, in their own way, and while they refuse to do what they’re “supposed” to do, they can accomplish their own aims. One Rebel told me, “My master’s thesis was ten pages shorter than recommended, and I convinced the department to add an unconventional adviser to my panel. So I got it done and did well on it—but on my terms.”
Rebels place a high value on authenticity and self-determination, and bring an unshackled spirit to what they do. A Rebel commented, “I do the assignment I want to complete rather than the one assigned. The problem comes when there’s something I’m expected to do regularly (like running weekly quality checks), and therefore I just can’t.” At times, the Rebel resistance to authority is enormously valuable to society. As one Questioner pointed out, “The Rebels’ best asset is their voice of dissent. We shouldn’t try to school it out of them, or corporate culture it out, or shame it out. It’s there to protect us all.”
But Rebels often frustrate others because they can’t be asked or told to do anything. They don’t care if “people are counting on you,” “you said you’d do it,” “your parents will be upset,” “it’s against the rules,” “this is the deadline,” or “it’s rude.” In fact, asking or telling Rebels to do something often makes them do just the opposite. A Rebel wrote: “Being told or expected to do something creates a ‘stop’ sensation that I have to actively overcome. If I’m asked to empty the dishwasher, my brain says, ‘Well, I was going to, but now you went and asked, so I can’t. So no.’ ”
The people around Rebels must guard against accidentally igniting their spirit of opposition—particularly challenging for the parents of Rebel children. One parent explained, “The best way to wrangle the Rebel child is to give the kid the information to make a decision, present the issue as a question that he alone can answer, and let him make a decision and act without telling you. Let him make a decision without an audience. Audiences = expectations. If he thinks you’re not watching, he won’t need to rebel against your expectations.” Another parent: “My Rebel son got expelled and didn’t want to work toward a career, though he’s very smart. When he turned eighteen, we gave him an around-the-world plane ticket and said, ‘Over to you!’ He traveled for three years, and now he’s in grad school, and doing very well.”
Rebels sometimes frustrate even themselves, because they can’t tell themselves what to do. Writer John Gardner observed, “My compulsion not to do what people tell me … makes me change places of living or change my life in one way or another, which often make me very unhappy. I wish I could just settle down.” On the other hand, Rebels can be skillful at channeling their Rebel energy in constructive ways. A Rebel who wants to stick to a budget might say, “I won’t be manipulated by marketers trying to sell me junk,” or a Rebel who wants to succeed in school might say, “No one thinks I can get into a good college, but I’ll show them.”