#FelineFash
It was the hot dog that did it. Definitely.
Generally, you can’t have your cat wearing something made of pork on its head without people asking some serious questions about your life. If your pet has ever worn your lunch, you’ll know what I mean. It’s a game changer.
The thing is, eating is difficult when you’re thinking hard. You just trust your body to do its chewy thing. The problem was my jaw had kind of skipped after my brain and checked into Hotel La-La Land. My mouth and eyes really didn’t notice that an entire frankfurter had somersaulted from a bun. I just kept chomping on the carbs, staring into space whilst my cat did a runway show into the kitchen with some seriously avant-garde headgear.
I only noticed when Mum said, “Millie. Dave is modeling your dinner. Any thoughts?”
Then she gave one of her “all-seeing oracle” parental looks. You know the sort of thing. The “I know you’re worried about something but you’re not telling me because you’re too worried and now I’m worried and basically THIS IS A GLOBAL WORRY PANDEMIC” kind of looks.
My mum can tell a lot from a half-a-second stare. It’s her special talent. Face reading, guilt-tripping, and getting things out of you that you don’t want to talk about. I think the FBI needs her. She’d crack anyone in minutes.
I tried to get her off my case by asking her if she’d managed to get her phone out and record Dave doing her thing for a vlog but Mum said, “No. Creating great content is of no concern to me. It’s even less of a concern to me when I think my little girl might be working herself up into a state about things.”
There was another epic “drill into my brain” gaze, but at that point Dave sashayed back into the room with a sausage behind her. Mum was distracted, mainly because Dave looked like she should be on the cover of Vogue. You’ve never seen a cat work it with such total conviction. She was Gigi Hadid, but with a tail and a flea collar.
I took my chance then. “I need to go and get my stuff from Dad’s place,” I snapped very quickly. That’s your only hope in a situation like this. Deflecting.
Mum kept looking at Dave, but said firmly, “Okay, Millie, but when you come back we need an honest chat. Anxiety doesn’t just steal sausages. It’s a thief of your time and your happiness. And it’s something…”
At that moment Dave jumped onto my lap and dropped a gherkin into my palm. I didn’t know I’d lost that, either.
Yes, Mum. We can have a chat. I just need to get things straight in MY head first. And that may take a while. In fact, it may take forever.
But I didn’t say that to her. I just gave her a hug, threw Dave the rest of my hot dog bun, and left. Dave loves buns. We call bread “sliced cat-bohydrate” in our house.
I’ve just realized I’m still holding the gherkin. Random sliced gherkins in your hand usually mean something is not quite right with the world. Let me try to explain what. I don’t think it makes me sound very nice, but it’s the truth.
#lifefacts
When I’m on my own and walking I can think. My feet are smarter than my jaw; they can do their job really well without me worrying about them. When people ask me what my favorite part of my body is I ALWAYS say my legs. It’s not how they look (quite skinny calves, BIG thighs, freaky tall toes I’ve inherited from Dad), it’s what they do.
My brain needs some love, you can tell. It’s like when you accidentally leave your glass underneath the Coke dispenser and then you get distracted by a cute dog outside (don’t tell Dave). You look around and, all of a sudden, you’re creating a mini Niagara Falls. I’m like that. I’m overflowing with everything.
Mum, who has a head like mine, says at times when you feel like your brain is about to burst, write down the facts. Not the things you think might happen. JUST the facts. You don’t need a laptop, a phone, or a pen. You doodle it all down in your head.
I’m moving back in with my mum and her neat freak boyfriend, Gary. I moved out a few months ago because he made my life impossible, as he wants to ban dust and grime globally. Also, my mum can be a dictator. A benevolent and low-level one, but she still has some power-hungry tendencies. However, NOW we’ve agreed to compromise. I will try to keep my room clean (well, clean-ISH), stop making epic biscuit crumb bombs (Gary’s description, NOT mine) and stop Dave from surfing on Gary’s robot vacuum cleaner (impossible. Dave is a speed freak, a celebrity stunt cat, and fears no one and nothing—not even surprise frankfurters). I’m looking forward to it. I’ve missed my mum. YES, she’s too strict, but she’s basically a feminist warrior with epic taste in ankle boots. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved living with my dad, Granddad, and Aunty Teresa. It’s been great getting to know Dad a bit more. He’s been in other countries for a lot of my life, and I do feel like I’ve missed out. Aunty Teresa has also been living abroad in a way—just in her head on her own planet. I think Granddad has really enjoyed having me around. He may be an epic sexist stuck in the last century, but he appreciates my streak of sensible. I love all of them, but I’d like to be in a house with an actual lock on the front door that works. It’s also difficult to watch TV when two people in their forties are having a danceoff to Bruno Mars. I just want more … order. Yes, I’m tragic. I like things on the quiet side and it’s difficult to get peace when Aunty Teresa’s fixer-upper ice cream truck is playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” in the front yard. Also, my dresser is an exercise bike that no one uses. So, yes, I’d like something a bit more … normal. I will miss them, though. It’s good to know some adults stay a bit silly and don’t think that having a clean kitchen sink is the peak of their existence. Gary’s permanent aftershave is a mixture of Versace for Men and white vinegar.
I have a boyfriend. Danny. It took a while for us to get together. I was confused or he was. We BOTH were, I guess. It all got a bit weird BUT now we are an official trademarked item. He’s funny, kind, and completely owns his own brand of Canadian handsomeness. He also has a pencil case in the shape of a llama and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Nothing ever seems to faze him. He’s permanently chill—like a gorgeous refrigerator but with warm arms. In the past few weeks he’s been incredible because honestly, with everything that’s been going on, things have been stressful. Danny is phenomenal at just making things seem manageable. He’s an accidental life coach. You give him a mountain and he makes it feel like a tiny hill (in the good way). I’ve really appreciated that AND I am NOT being a pathetic girl. I’ve just needed good friends who make me laugh—and he does. He’s also an epic kisser. Yeah, Danny is almost perfect. Except for liking noodles with too much garlic, but I’ve learned to live with that. Extra-strong mints are our friend.
This is the hard one. I’ll just try to say it quickly.
I can’t say it quickly. Who am I kidding? This is BIG.
I went viral. Well, me and Dave the cat went viral. She went crazy behind me when I was doing a really personal vlog and now we’ve got real human followers and someone who manages “life content creators” (why do these people always use fancy names?) wants to meet me to discuss how she can help me become “even bigger.” Lauren, my BFF, thinks this is wonderful. Erin, previously known as Lady Uber Cool who was sensationally outed as the person behind the most EVIL Instagram account EVER, suddenly wants to be besties with me. My granddad is a tiny bit impressed even though he has no idea what it all means. I was just another rando recording videos in a shed and now, because of a bizarre feline accident, I’m big. And it’s what I want. I’m viral and I want to keep being viral. Mum gets it. She says this is AMBITION and an acknowledgment of my innate skill set and I should EMBRACE it. I want to be a success. It is FINE to say that. Viral. It’s everything I wanted and it’s EVERYTHING I want but now that it’s happened …