Prologue
I remember the first hit as if it were yesterday.
The first time that his hand connected with my cheek.
The first time that he caused me physical pain.
The first time that he shattered my already fragile heart.
He preyed on my vulnerability. He took my confidence away from me. He ruined my perfect ideas of a loving relationship.
I let him control me.
I let him abuse me.
I let him break me.
I don't want to be this person.
I don't want to be weak.
I need to save myself, but to do that, I must understand why.
Why did I let him dictate?
Why did I let him hurt me?
Why did I lose control?
Chapter One
At first glance
His eyes met mine from across the room, and his smile made me go weak at the knees. I thought that he was looking at someone stood behind me; I even turned around to check, but there was no one there. My friend, Kim, told me a few weeks ago that he fancied me, but I just laughed at her.
Why would he fancy me? I mean, there is nothing special about me.
I had just gotten out of an unhappy relationship, I was sleeping on Kim’s sofa as I had no home of my own, and I was working as an office temp. My appearance had become a little gaunt over time due to the relationship that I had just come out of, and I hadn’t made an effort with my looks for months.
My long, blond hair was limp, my skin had paled, my cheeks had become gaunt, and I had lost my curves that I used to love so much. But more soul-crushing than that was my eyes. My once bright, vibrant, full of life baby blues were now dull and lifeless. You could tell a lot from someone’s eyes, and every morning that I looked in the mirror, I was ashamed of what I had become.
A shadow of my former self.
A recluse.
A fucking heartbroken mess.
I couldn’t even call myself a hot mess. I had kept the ‘mess’ part and dropped the ‘hot.’
I used to be able to command a room, have men’s eyes following me as I sashayed past them, knowing how good I looked.
It’s amazing how one earth-shattering revelation can destroy you and make you become someone that you despise.
“Lucy,” I hear Kim say loudly, disrupting me from my thoughts. I turn to look at her, my gorgeous brunette-haired, green-eyed best friend. She is the total opposite of me. She radiates beauty, shines like a beacon, and gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside.
We’ve been friends for years, and I thank God every day that she is in my life.
Kim is sat at her desk, which just so happens to be next to mine.
“What?” I reply, quieter than she was in saying my name.
“Finally, she listens,” Kim says in a sarcastic tone. “That’s the third time that I have called your name in the last few minutes.”
“Sorry,” I reply as I chew on the end of my pen.
“What the hell were you thinking about? Or should I say who were you thinking about?” I watch as her eyes glance over to the same place that mine were looking a few minutes ago. Kim giggles as I feel the blush start to creep across my cheeks.
“I wasn’t thinking about anything, or anyone, in particular,” I respond, trying to sound innocent but failing miserably.
“Mmm hmm.”
“I wasn’t,” I insist.
“Lucy, you don’t need to pretend with me. I have known you since the age of fourteen, and I know when you are lying,” she says as the corners of her mouth threaten to pull into a smile.
“Okay, fine,” I admit, conceding defeat. She always has been able to read me like a goddamn book.
“Why don’t you just ask him out?” she asks as if it would be no big deal.
“No way!” I say a little too loudly.
Miriam, sat at the desk to the right of me, looks over and tuts loudly. I give her an apologetic look whilst Kim just glares at her. Kim isn’t one to take notice of what Miriam thinks, seeing as she is well known for being the office busybody. If you want to know anything about anyone in this office, then you just go to Miriam for the details.
“You need to grow some balls,” Kim says, her attention firmly back on me.
“No thanks, I am perfectly fine as I am.”
“Oh come on, Luce,” she says, exasperation creeping into her tone. “You have been single since Tom left you nearly six months ago. You need to get out there and have some fun.”
I grimace slightly at her words.
Has it really been six months? It feels like weeks rather than half a year.
“Kim, it’s not that easy.” This is my usual pathetic answer, and one that I swear has been programmed into me, seeing as I have used it for what feels like the millionth time.
I thought that Tom was the love of my life, my reason to breath, my happy ever after. Of course those illusions were shattered when he went and cheated on me with one of my closest friends. Not that she is a close friend anymore. I can’t even bring myself to say her name.
“Look, I know how much Tom hurt you, but you have to let it go.”
“Easy for you to say,” I reply, a little too harshly and unfairly. It’s not Kim’s fault that I am in this shitty phase in my life.
Kim has been in a relationship with Jeremy for two years, and they are happily engaged. Jeremy was in the same class as us at school, and the three of us have always been friends. It wasn’t until Kim and Jeremy were twenty-five that they finally gave into how they felt about one another. Together they have the perfect partnership, and I am so happy for them, even if my mood right now doesn’t show it.
I feel Kim’s eyes glaring at me and I start to feel guilty about my comment.
“Sorry,” I say with a sigh.
“It’s okay,” she says with a flick of her wrist. “I was there, remember? I saw how his and Carley’s betrayal broke you.”
I physically cringe as Kim says her name.
“I don’t want to talk about her,” I reply sharply.
“It was his fault too, Luce.”
“I know that, but she was supposed to be my friend, and she stabbed me in the back in the worst way possible.”
I need to be free of this pain that crushes my soul every day. I deserve more than this. I deserve to be loved, worshipped, and treated like a queen.
My heart aches, and I miss my friend Cal. Cal Bailey, a man who would never so much as give his girl a dirty look, let alone cheat on her. He left to go travelling months ago, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t fiercely miss him.
I wish that he hadn’t gone, I wish that he were here to give me a hug and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But he isn’t. I have to do this on my own, when I’m at my weakest and feeling more vulnerable than ever before.
My hurt over Tom and Carley isn’t going away. It should be going away by now, but it isn’t, and I have no idea how to make it better.
I hear Kim sigh and I sneak a look at her out of the corner of my eye. She gives a little shake of her head and returns to her work. She’s probably sick to death of carrying my miserable ass around with her, and hey, who could blame her? There is only so much anyone can take, but I hope to God that she has more patience left within her because I couldn’t have gotten through the last six months without her.