I NEVER IMAGINED my lady bits would be photographed as a crime scene, but here we are. At least I had put my clothes on, but all the bystanders understood what was going on.
I’d never had so many straight-faced people learn how and where I put my limbs during doggy style.
But when your boyfriend flies off a cliff behind you during your adventurous hiking sex, new experiences crop up.
And I would cry more. And maybe even scream some if his ghost wasn’t sitting three feet from me cracking jokes the whole time. Hell, for all I know, he might have even finished as a ghost.
“Do you want me to help them find the disaster area tape? Or do you think people can just judge that from your granny panties? I bet we can fashion a thong out of the tape. Save a little of your rep.”
I had to wait for the detective to finish up his last batch of photos before I could hiss in Evan’s direction, “I wear granny panties when we hike so I don’t get wedgies. You know that.”
“Miss? Everything okay?” The cop seemed worried about me. I should possibly be more worried about me. Maybe it was shock mixed with the energy drink Evan had passed to me just before the incident.
“Using sex as a weapon, huh?” Ghost Evan gave me a wink.
I pursed my lips and gave him a hard stare.
“You know, I kinda love this. You can’t give me attitude. People will think you’re crazy.”
He was enjoying this. His almost see-through handsome face was flashing his token smile. Damn, his giant pearly whites and devilish dimples. He got out of a lot of trouble with those things. And now he’s getting me into a lot of trouble with them.
I bit my lips from the inside to keep all my comebacks from coming out of my mouth. We fought. It’s what we did. I had a temper and he had an attitude. Our makeup sex was off the charts. Half the time we were giving each other a hard time just to get to the good times.
I overheard the closest group of cops pontificating about the situation that had recently occurred as I glared at Evan.
“I mean, that’s another clear video. She’s on her hands and knees and when they, um… finish, it appears that her orgasm is so strong that it literally launches him off the cliff like a cannon.”
I turned my head just as the three cops shifted to face me.
We all had the most awkward eye contact in the history of human existence.
One cleared his throat, the other adjusted his belt, and the third was blushing so hard his ears were red.
“Your pussy blew me off the cliff of Lover’s Peak?” Evan was bent over laughing. They couldn’t hear him, but I could. He was pissing me off.
Cliff fighting was a bad idea. Cliff sex was worse.
We got each other like that. Hot and bothered. I would grab the front of his shirt and then he would grab me by my ass and haul me to him.
And his stupid jaw was so well-defined. I had bitten it. Well, of course, next thing you know we were pulling each other’s clothes off. In a highly public place. On the edge of a cliff.
The red-eared cop approached. “I’m supposed to find out if you have any injuries?”
I shook my head, lips still in a restraint with my teeth.
“Okay, well, we have various videos from numerous sources that clearly show no malicious intent on your part. I mean, our captain has to take a look. And maybe the coroner? We can’t get your boyfriend’s body off the cliff right now. The rescue team has to come out with the proper equipment. They said they can come by around lunchtime tomorrow. They’re on a call. The boys and I are going to try to tarp up the body.” He jammed his hands into his pockets as his forehead joined his ears in their red color.
“So I can go?” That seemed wrong somehow. But Evan had already stood and was brushing off his ghost pants. That was always his signal that he wanted to leave.
Red Ears seemed reluctant to answer that question and looked over his shoulder twice. Finally, he shrugged and showed me his teeth like he was smiling for his preschool picture.
I stood, too, joining Evan.
“Don’t forget your fanny pack. And your hat.” Evan tried to grab both for me. His finger rustled them a little, but he was unable to grab them. I did it instead.
It was the first time his mood dampened. The wicked, semi-opaque sparkle left his eyes briefly.
I needed to hike back down the mountain. I was grateful that we took my car and not his earlier—at least I had the keys in my fanny pack. The hike down was much shorter than the hike up had been. Of course, Evan and I had stopped to fight and then kiss and then fight some more on the way up.
“What were we even arguing about?” I pointed to a distinctive row of trees that had the bark smoothed off from either animals or weather. He’d pressed me against that tree and kissed the hell out of me earlier while we dry humped each other, back when he was alive.
“I don’t remember. You were angry, which makes you even hotter. And then your nose flared a bit and it was over for me. Whatever it was, just remembering it makes me horn…” he trailed off and looked down. I looked down with him. We were like two dogs that had their favorite toy taken away for misbehaving. The silence filled itself with the sounds of nature. Birds chirped and a couple of squirrels made that annoying clicking noise.
“Is it...doing anything?” I tried to squint to see if his ghost pants had moved in any way.
“Holy crap. Do not squint at my dick. Can you not? I mean, try to look a little impressed or something.” He gestured to his crotch.
I looked from his face to my hand to his crotch once, twice, and by the third time, Evan had resigned himself to what must have been clearly obvious.
I wanted to touch it.
I stretched out my hand, palm up, and stepped closer to him. I held my breath. His ghost eyes were wide and slightly untrusting, which was fair. Neither of us knew what was going to happen if I managed to cup his ghost junk.
Closer still. And then, just as I was about to make contact or slide right through his body, we both heard the cops jingling down the mountain.
“Nice shot, man. I didn’t think you could cover a whole body with one tarp like that. If there was a body covering event in the Olympics, you’d get at least a bronze, Michigan.” We heard the telltale sound of two palms slapping together in a high-five. It was followed by birds cawing their annoyance and squirrels nattering angrily.
Evan’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as we overheard the police talking about his corpse.
“Yeah, well, you can’t leave a man uncovered like that. His twig and berries were out.” They came into the clearing just as the pants adjusting cop finished up his observation.
I pulled my hand away from Evan’s crotch. It was weird that his ghost was fully dressed, but his body was naked as the day he was born. Maybe there was such a thing as ghost modesty?
“You okay, miss?”
I took a deep breath. Maybe this would all hit me soon. Maybe my shock was a real thing that was just hovering on the edge of my sanity.
“You know what? I think maybe I shouldn’t drive home. Would it be cool if you dropped me off? I’ll come back later to get my car.”
Red Ears nodded quickly. “Yeah, of course. You know what? Michigan here can drive your car home, save you the trouble later.”
“Thanks. I feel like this hasn’t hit me yet, you know?”