Useful if I ever sailed. Which I didn’t anymore. Last time I had been on a ship was a few years ago, visiting my undead parents. Since they had drowned, they now permanently lived at the bottom of the sea. With my job, it had been a while since I’d visited them. But we did talk on the phone. We’d tried a video call only once via a mini-sub equipped with a camera. I’d required months of therapy after. I still couldn’t look at a starfish without flashbacks.
“Don’t be cross, Jane. You’ll get wrinkles.”
“I’m trying to figure out why you took my locket.”
“Because of what it symbolizes, of course.” Grandma clasped her hands. “With its built-in propensity, it made the magic that much easier to set.”
A fearful tightening in my stomach had me saying, “What kind of spell did you cast?” The last time Grandma had done a helpful thing for me—whipping up a batch of brownies for the bake sale at school—I’d ended up being called Mary Jane for my entire junior year. Grandma told the principal and the police that she’d had no idea the mint in the garden was actually marijuana.
False, of course. Grandma loved a doobie with her after-dinner coffee. Just like the school didn’t argue with the profit we made from the sale of said treats. All of which disappeared, leading to no evidence and, therefore, no charges.
The nickname had stuck for the rest of my high school career, to my vast annoyance. When I finally hit puberty—late, as most witches do—and came into my own powers? The acne that plagued my taunters just before prom was justified revenge.
“Oh, don’t make a big stink about it, Janey. It’s just a little love spell.”
I ogled her, speechless for a moment. A rarity I can assure you. “Just a love spell? For who?”
“Who do you think?” Grandma grinned at me with all the chubby-cheeked, jovial evil she was capable of.
“Me!” I squeaked. “Why on Hell and Earth would you do that?”
“You’re getting old, Jane.”
“I just turned thirty. That’s hardly ancient.” Especially for a witch.
“Fine, then I’m getting old. I need a grandbaby to spoil.”
I swirled a finger at my chest. “Hello, standing right here.”
“Will you put on a diaper and let me spoon feed you?”
“Depends whether it’s your famous pudding or not.” I wasn’t completely joking. Grandma’s pudding was only made in times of great joy. She’d not felt joyful for a while. Probably my fault for not giving her a grandkid.
“It’s time you found someone. I won’t be around forever.”
That caused me to squint at her. “You’re not sick.“ Declared more than questioned.
“No. But it’s time I moved on. This body can’t get much older.” She held out her hands, the spiderwebbed veins on them pronounced.
“You can’t leave me.” I didn’t really have anyone else in my life. My parents, while not completely dead, might as well be. Our visits had to be short, given they couldn’t live out of the sea for long, and I preferred to not drown. Staying alive was still high on my list of priorities.
“Oh, Jane. You don’t need me. You already take care of this house by yourself, in spite of me.”
True. I did the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry. Petra made out like a fairy bandit with what I paid her. She was the envy of her friends with her multi-story birdhouse that was actually a fancy, suspended dollhouse. Every piece of furniture inside was handcrafted.
“Who will teach me magic?” I arched a brow.
“You already know more than enough. And it’s not like I won’t visit.”
“I don’t want you to go.” Grandma might drive me bonkers, but I enjoyed having her around.
“I know you don’t, which is why I cast that love spell. So you won’t be alone.”
The groan I uttered proved epic on the scale of annoyance. “I don’t need a man. They’re too much work.” The ones I met just didn’t appeal. The humans lacked the strength to impress me, and the warlocks were just dicks who literally spent way too much time looking for spells to be even bigger assholes.
“You only say that because you haven’t met the right one. You need to get out more.”
“I go out.”
“To work.” Grandma used the truth. It sliced.
My stellar defense: “I went to the movies last week.”
Grandma demolished it with one word. “Alone.”
“Nothing wrong with that.”
“Except I want more for you than to be a spinster with cats.”
“I won’t get a cat then.” Easy solution.
“You need someone in your life. And I’m going to help you find them. Don’t worry. I’ve cast that spell before with great success.”
“On who?”
“Your cousin Flora, for one.”
I blinked at Grandma. “Is that why she’s mated to four demons?” No one understood how she kept all her hunks satisfied. “I do not want a man, let alone four.”
“The spell gives you what you need.”
Perhaps I’d find the locket in the drawer with the replacement batteries. “What if I need to get laid?”
“Really, Jane. That kind of talk is for whores. We are ladies.”
Who danced naked under the moon during Samhain and the winter solstice. Though we mustn’t forget the spring equinox and, of course, May Day. Nude dancing was a family rite of passage.
“Did you run this madcap idea by Mom and Dad?”
“As a matter of fact, smarty pantaloons, I did. They even helped with it.”
“My parents are in cahoots to get me hitched?” Could my annoyance get any worse?
“Your mother says it’s past time you allowed yourself to be kidnapped.”
“Abducting a woman and ravaging her is now considered a felony.” Despite the fact that my mother romanticized it at every turn.
Grandma waved her hand. “Bah. Rules are for the mundanes.”
“I’m surprised Daddy is on board with this.” As his precious little girl, he used to glower at any boy who even looked at me. Which, at the age of five, led to many tears.
Since his undeath, he wasn’t around anymore to pull forth a cutlass and threaten to make the boys I dated walk the plank. At times, I missed that.
“Your father agreed because he knows better than to argue with your mother.”
Who knew a blood-thirsty pirate would have a weakness? Kind of cute…in a gagging way.
“So, where is my locket now?”
“Off doing its job.” Grandma waved a hand as she gave me the vaguest answer possible.
It killed me to lose the pendant. I loved the antique heart-shaped metal piece. When you opened it, a picture of my mom and dad was nestled inside. But knowing it now held a trap, I’d have to do my best to avoid it.
“I’m not going to fall in love just because you cast a spell.” I didn’t care how good of a witch Grandma was. She wasn’t the only one with power.
“You’re so adorable when you defy me.” Being shorter than me by almost a foot didn’t stop Grandma from grabbing my cheeks and pinching them.