Eventually, we started to become annoyed with each other. Little things bothered me. I wouldn’t rush to text him back. I was running out of things to say—and so was he. He’d spend more time with his friends than me and I’d get upset. Until I broke up with him, right at the end of our junior year. He didn’t protest or try to convince me to stay with him either.
Jonah was done too.
I’m grateful I didn’t do much with him beyond heavy make-out sessions where we would grope each other. I might’ve given him a hand job once.
Okay, there’s no ‘might have.’ I totally gave him a hand job, and it was awkward and I felt completely inept. He was just so insistent and really wanted a blow job, but I wouldn’t cave, no matter how much he begged.
And he kind of begged.
Okay, again, he really begged, because boys are desperate sexual creatures sometimes and they can’t help themselves. That’s what my mother told me when I was fourteen and couldn’t imagine letting a boy touch me naked.
Honestly, the only boy I’ve ever thought about touching me naked is…
Beck Callahan.
Maybe it helps that I never actually believed we could be anything beyond friends. He’s out of my league. Out of my universe. Not that I think he’s better than me, or that he acts like an arrogant asshole. We have a lot of those at school, and Beck has every reason to behave like a cocky jerk.
But he doesn’t. He’s a nice guy. The perfect, all-American kid who does well in school, is liked by his peers and the teachers and faculty, is an excellent football player and is really, really attractive. The boys want to be his friend, and the girls want to win his heart. There are so many people clamoring for his attention at all times, there is no way he would actually want to be with me. He has so many options to choose from and I would never be one of them.
There’s one little secret I’ve always kept to myself, and not even my very best friend, Emma, knows about it. It’s a big one, and I barely like to admit to myself.
When Jonah and I would kiss, it was…nice, but I never really felt any spark. Jonah was a decent kisser, though I don’t have many others to compare him to. But there was never any real chemistry between us, not on my side at least. I didn’t see him and want to immediately jump him, which is how Emma describes her feelings toward whatever current boy she’s lusting after.
The only spark I’ve ever felt—and again, I’ve told no one this—is with Beck.
Beck and his sweet smiles.
Beck and the way he always calls me “Adds”.
The way he watches me.
The things he says.
He has a girlfriend, who makes me feel inferior in every single way possible, because she is everything I can never be. Sasha Rodriguez is a year older than us, and she’s beautiful. Shiny brown hair and big brown eyes. A smile that dazzles everyone who sees it. An athletic yet curvy body that I secretly envy—let’s face it, I envy so much about Sasha. She’s smart and popular and everyone respects her. She’s also poised and a complete overachiever. In other words, she’s total goals for a girl like me.
She’s also nice—no one can say anything mean about Sasha, without sounding like a jealous bitch. She’s kind to everyone, including me. I’ve been in leadership with her since my freshman year and we’ve always gotten along.
They were the couple on campus, like something out of a movie. Two beautiful people gravitating toward each other. Of course, they made sense when they got together. When she started dating Beck, I wanted to hate her but I couldn’t. It’s like hating Cinderella or Bambi. You can’t hate the sweetest Disney creatures.
Once she got accepted to UC Davis, things noticeably shifted between Sasha and Beck. She’ll be attending school three hours away and he’s still going to be here. With his strenuous football schedule, they won’t be able to see each other much. I’m sure her class schedule will keep her busy too. They’ll be experiencing different things without each other, and I don’t know how they’re going to be able to maintain their relationship. It’s possible, but it won’t be easy.
If their relationship is serious, if they really love each other, then they can make it work.
But will they?
I can’t help but wonder if Beck and Sasha had sex. I mean, come on. Sasha’s gorgeous and Beck is too, and they’re both full of surging hormones, so I’m guessing that’s a big fat yes. They’ve most likely done it hundreds of times—and I can guarantee she feels a spark every time Beck so much as looks at her. Plus, she’s a year older. She’s probably not as scared as some people.
Like me.
Jonah pushed for it, especially near the end of our relationship, but I always said no. It just didn’t feel right, giving my virginity to him. I cared about him, but I wasn’t in love with him. And speaking of Jonah…
“Oh God, there’s your ex,” Emma utters under her breath, just as we come out of the snack aisle of the local grocery store.
I hear what she’s saying, but it’s as if I have no comprehension of it until I practically run into him. “Oh, sorry. Uh, hey.”
God, I would be the one to almost run into my ex in the grocery store—while he’s with another girl. Humiliating.
“Hey.” He’s got his arm around Serena Lewiston’s shoulders. She’s in band with him. Cute girl. Wears glasses. Really short, with light brown hair that flows far beyond her shoulders and a bright smile.
Which she is currently directing at Jonah.
“How are you?” I ask, my voice light and airy, as if I’m simply running into an old, beloved friend.
Emma jabs me hard in the ribs with her elbow, but I ignore her. Why shouldn’t I make pleasant conversation with my ex-boyfriend?
“I’m good. Great actually.” He squeezes Serena’s shoulders, and she finally tears her gaze away from his face…
To send me a withering look, her smile fading fast.
I don’t acknowledge her.
And she doesn’t acknowledge me either.
“Good. Great.” I nod and smile like a dope, which earns me another jab from Emma.
“You guys going up to Bayshore tonight?” Jonah asks, as he and Serena start to leave us.
“Maybe! We might have better prospects though,” Emma answers for me, practically yelling at them as they walk away.
“Why did you say that?” I ask wearily, once they’re out of earshot, glancing down at the various chip bags I’m holding in my arms. I’m sure I look ridiculous. Still a little messy from getting off work, wearing my Mitchell’s Landing T-shirt and a pair of dirty black shorts stained with ice cream.
“Because I hated that smug look on his face as he stood there with his new band ho and basically rubbed her in your face,” Emma says, indignant as she marches past all the checker lanes and heads straight for self-checkout. I follow after her, wincing when she says, “You know those two are fucking.”
I really hope no one heard Emma say that.
“Serena isn’t a ho. She’s nice. She was one of my lab partners in biology freshman year.” I glance around the store, looking for our other friend. “Shouldn’t we wait for Tori?”
“She’s around here somewhere. Don’t worry about her. She’ll text us.” Emma waves a dismissive hand and starts ringing up her purchases, which aren’t many. “And Serena is a total ho. Don’t you think they’re doing it?”