My coaches fuss over me, but I tell them I’m all right. I just want to sit on the bench and pretend I’m invisible.
“Beck.”
I glance over my shoulder to see my mom approaching, and I sort of fall apart.
Which is a whole other level of humiliating.
But I can’t help it. That scared me—when I said I wasn’t scared of anything.
She sits on the bench next to me and I can tell she’s restraining herself, rubbing my shoulder when I know she wants to give me a big hug. I want nothing more than for my mom to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay, but I’m thirteen. I don’t need my mama.
Even though, deep down, it still feels like I do.
The clock runs out, and it’s halftime. The cheer team is about to go out and perform and usually I’m unable to watch since the team huddles in the end zone and our coaches give us a speech.
This time, though, they let me stay on the bench, and I get to watch Addie perform.
They dance to a popular song, but they’re not that good. Addie is so tall that she’s kind of awkward when she moves, especially with her long arms and legs.
But she’s got a smile on her face through the entire dance and when they get into formation to do a stunt, she’s right in the back, spotting the girl they throw up in the air.
“Addie looks good out there, huh?” Mom says, making conversation like everything’s normal.
While I’m sitting on the bench with my mom, like some sort of baby, still struggling to get a full breath.
The cheer team eventually finishes and leaves the field, their metallic pom-poms in their hands, the girls in my class smiling at me as they walk past, including Addie.
“Hey, Beck. You all right?” she asks in her sweet voice.
She comes to a stop in front of us, her wide smile as bright as the sun.
“I’m okay,” I admit grudgingly.
“Those guys hit you hard. I saw it all.” Her smile fades. “Did you lose your breath?”
I nod.
Her expression turns sympathetic. “I’ve had that happen before. It’s the worst.”
“Yeah.” I shrug.
Her smile reappears. “Well, good luck for the rest of the game!” She shakes her pom-poms and runs away.
“Aw, she’s so nice. I’ve always liked Addie,” Mom says once she’s gone.
“Uh huh.”
“Do you guys still talk? I remember when you used to have play dates.”
“I’m too old for play dates,” I mumble, hating how she makes me feel like a little kid.
“I know.” Mom leans against me. “I’m just saying you two used to be so close.”
“Not anymore.” Sort of, but not really.
“She’s getting so tall,” Mom continues, “and pretty too.”
“I guess.” I hang my head, not wanting my mom to see my face.
She always figures me out. And I don’t want her to know how I feel about Addie. That would be so embarrassing.
“Hey, you seem like you’re breathing pretty good now.” Mom lowers her voice. “You need your inhaler?”
I furiously shake my head. “Please don’t give it to me. I’m okay. Really.”
The look of doubt that she casts in my direction annoys me, and I avert my head, checking out the cheer team yet again.
My gaze zeroing in on Addie, like usual.
She smiles, our eyes locking, and offers me a quick wave. I do the same, holding my hand up before I turn back around and face the field. My lips are curved into a faint smile, the wind blowing through my hair as I take a deep breath.
The first real breath I’ve taken since those two jerks took me down.
Guess I didn’t need my inhaler after all.
I just needed to see Addie Douglas smile.
ONE
ADDIE
Late summer before senior year…
The night started out like any other. I got off work at eight, right after the sun set. I contemplated going home and taking a quick shower but realized that would probably take too long. And what if something happened at the party before I even got there?
I didn’t want to miss a thing. Not tonight.
Instead, I went with my friends Emma, Tori and Lexi to the grocery store, where we picked up snacks. Someone else was bringing the booze, so we didn’t have to worry about it. I’d already loaded up the trunk of my car with a couple of pillows, blankets and even a sleeping bag. I like to come fully prepared.
We live in a small town, so there aren’t many places to party. During the summer, the local lake is full of tourists, so we avoid it. Plus, the majority of us work there—like me. I work practically full time at the fountain at Mitchell’s Landing, and by the time I’m off my shift, the last thing I want to do is hang out at the lake. Why would we want to party with our friends at the same place we work?
No thanks.
Instead, we go up Bayshore Road, deep into the woods, where the air is cooler and the elevation is higher. Where there are a lot less people and the sheriff deputies leave us alone. There are remote campgrounds up there, not many people know about, and someone from our high school—and even the rival one—will “host” a party almost every weekend. That’s the way it’s always been done with the upperclassmen at my high school, and we’re just carrying on the tradition.
Tonight, Beck Callahan is hosting.
And you can bet your ass I’m going to be there.
We’ve been flirting with each other for years, not that anything has happened between us. We send each other mixed messages—and maybe some blunt, throw it all out there messages too, though we’ve never acted on anything. We’ve kept things between us firmly in the “just friends” territory for all these years. It started in middle school, this unspoken attraction between us. I’ve always been afraid to cross the line because I consider Beck a friend—and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
Did I mention that Beck is my gorgeous, hot friend who’s funny and smart and athletic and oh wait—did I already say he was hot?
Yes, Beck Callahan is the hottest, most popular boy in our class.
What does he see in me?
Apparently something because, like I said, we’ve been flirting with each other, especially last year. There was one little problem though.
Two little problems.
He had a girlfriend—still does, actually.
And I had a boyfriend.
I’m not a cheater. Neither is Beck. We might’ve had an almost kissing incident in a bathroom at a party last fall, but we were interrupted and nothing happened.
Thank God. I was fully prepared to go for it, and I’m pretty sure he was too. Things haven’t really been the same between us ever since. Our friendship has been rocky, full of distance, and I took advantage of that separation and threw myself into my relationship with Jonah.
My now ex-boyfriend.
At first, things were great between us. Jonah is funny. He made me laugh, we had a lot in common, which meant we could keep up conversation with each other, and my friends embraced him wholeheartedly.
But he’s on the drumline and part of the marching band, and I swear, the band kids stick together hardcore, which means they looked at me as some sort of interloper once I started dating Jonah. None of his friends—and they were all in band too—seemed to like me much. I felt like I was trying too hard to be accepted, and I hated that.