They wouldn’t. That wasn’t how they worked. But I could get some guidance on why people were going around tricking harmless librarians into raising primordial gods and what was in store.
I could feel it in my gut. There was some nasty shit headed my way, and this was just the beginning.
Chapter 8
Ripley
I
read my tarot cards all the time. I read them for library patrons when asked. My parents taught my twin sister and I when we were just children. When we got accepted into the Academy of the Profane, we had the best teachers in the entire world, including classes to hone our tarot skills.
I’d never had this many major arcana cards in a single reading before, whether for me or someone else. Some major shit was coming. Felix was leaning over my shoulder, watching.
“Are you going to tell him you drew The Lovers?”
“Fuuuuck no. I’m going to ignore it.”
“And what did Professor Barclay say about picking and choosing cards?”
“I know what he said. I’m not going to ignore it forever. I need time to process it. It doesn’t mean I’m going to marry him. I’m not going to tell him I drew it because he’s already miserable about the whole wife thing.”
“You’ve sampled just about every species in the supernatural world and one immortal human. Maybe you’re fated to be with a god.”
“Stop it, Felix, or I’ll get you neutered. This is a hot mess.
What am I supposed to do with a primordial god who thinks he wants to marry me? Someone wanted him back on Earth, and I doubt it was Hettie.”
“You drew the Five of Swords. How do you know the hedge witches didn’t too?”
“I have no doubt the Five of Swords has something to do with it, but Dorian and Bram were both researching primordial gods. I have a feeling they are the most likely suspects.”
“You’re just being racist against hedge witches. They are perfectly capable of tricking you into a little necromancy.”
“No. Hettie wouldn’t have been given a library card if she was going to abuse the system. Bram wouldn’t have either. That leaves Dorian. We already know he enjoys manipulating witches. Hettie was probably harmless when she applied for her library card, and Dorian manipulated her.”
“You’re really holding it against him for being a selfish lover, you know.”
“Stealing from me! Of all things! Don’t forget ripping a page out of my grimoire. I’m angrier about that than the shitty lay.”
“Dorian is a peacock. You don’t even use that potion. We know he likes being pretty, or he wouldn’t have made a deal with a demon.”
“Stop making excuses for him. I didn’t tell him about the contents of my grimoire. He wouldn’t have known it was in there unless he was snooping. Oh, my Lilith. You know the type of spells in my grimoire. What if he stole the eye cream but took cell phone photos of some of the more dangerous stuff?”
“I usually lock it away when I have company, but I didn’t when he was over because he’s human.”
“You have nothing in there about raising gods, but your family has dabbled in some dark magic. It would probably be wise to keep this god close to you just in case.”
“Why are you so gung-ho about the god and me?”
“Because I’m tired of watching your miserable dating life, Ripley.”
“Keep insulting me, and I’ll make that vet appointment to snip off your kitty nuts.”
Chaos came bounding over to my desk with a book. He slammed it down on my desk, and I realized my massive mistake. I sent him over to our fiction section to pick a new name. The only fiction in the Library of the Profane was some pretty extreme erotica.”
“I haven’t picked a name yet, but werewolf sex is fascinating. Did you know their cocks—”
“Stop!” I yelled.
I knew all about shifter cock. I experienced it in my bed, and I also knew they exaggerated the knot in fiction. According to the popular erotica, it grew to a tree trunk's size and got everyone pregnant if the wolf was in love. People ate it up, even if it wasn’t totally accurate. I just had to direct Chaos towards the werewolf porn to pick a name.
“I’ve fornicated with female wolves, but never males. When we are married, do you think you could find a male wolf to join us? I’d like to experience the knot.”
I started choking on my tea. Chaos had to be the weirdest guest ever to visit my library. I talked about these books' plot with several patrons, but no one asked me to get them a wolf to try. Most people who enjoyed these books preferred reading about exaggerated shifter cock. Still, no one in their right mind actually wanted to experience a twenty-inch cock that got you pregnant.
Except for Chaos.
“Most shifters have the knot, but it’s not like the fiction on these shelves.”
“I still want to try one, but only with your permission.”
“You don’t need my permission, but this is the twenty-first century. You can’t just go around demanding people have sex with you because you want to experiment. People get offended. There are laws about that now.”
Chaos just yawned.
“How boring. Before I left, all you needed was respect and a delightful house. People would beg me to take them to bed. I didn’t need the law to protect me from them. If I didn’t want to, I just told them no.”
I got a little pissed off. I guess it didn’t matter if you were some ancient god. Men totally didn’t understand sexual harassment or why it bothered women.
“Okay, here’s the thing, Mister Primordial God. Consent is a major thing. Women have the right to wear whatever the fuck they want without commentary from men. We don’t owe you sex just because we are women. Demanding and asking is offensive. It’s not okay with other men either. People just want to be able to enjoy going out, dressed however the fuck they want, without someone assuming they owe them sex just because they left the house.”
Chaos had the decency to look properly chastised. I tore him a new one for every person out there who had ever been sexually harassed, even though he backed off when I said I didn’t want to marry him. Maybe it wasn’t fair, but he needed to learn how things worked in the modern world because back in his day, women were less than property.
“Ripley, I’ve never forced myself on anyone. The only people I’ve ever taken to my bed were those who have asked me. I didn’t ask you when I woke up because I don’t ask. I was a little offended I was standing there mostly naked, and you didn’t offer to take me to your bed, and then you didn’t immediately say yes when I offered to make you my wife. I’ve never asked a woman that question before, but anyone would jump at the chance back in my time. You’re a strange witch. I think even in the twenty-first century, people would want to be married to a god, even if they were just using me for my power.”
“It’s fucking weird to propose when neither of us knows each other.”
“Why? I can see all possibilities at once. You’re a powerful witch and a hell of a woman. Every plausible scenario has us being happy if you let me in.”
“Except I can’t do any of that. Tarot cards don’t tell me everything. If you want me to agree, you have to earn it.”