Ziko turns his face back up to the clouds. His heartbeat trills in his chest, an anxiety extending out to every part of his body that makes him quake at the thought. He presses his lips tightly together.
"Sometimes... it helps to process things out loud," I offer him his own advice.
"I'm soiled," he hisses through clenched teeth. "I am dirty."
"No, you are not." I tuck my knees underneath me, leaning forward as close as I dare. I want to wrap him up in my arms, to tuck him against me, and whisper my love for him in his ear until everything else fades away.
"As if I wasn't already unworthy of you. As if I wasn't already below you. Now, I am ruined. Publicly ruined."
The rasp in his voice is almost physically painful. Listening to him sends a tinge of desperation, sorrow, and outright agony like nails into my heart.
"No, yo--"
"Your kind words can't fix it, Briar." He cuts me off. He opens his palms and looks down at his rough hands. "I can't stop thinking that it's all my fault. I brought this all on myself. I trusted the wrong people. I let myself get close when I shouldn't have. Maybe I deserved it."
My breath catches in my chest. It hurts too much to breathe.
"I want to pretend like it didn't happen. But my mind won't stop replaying it. Every time I get near you... all I can think about is how Cordelia used me." His eyes stare blankly ahead, his body still. "How could you want someone who gave her pleasure? I'm just the leftovers of her little games."
"No you're not. I don't believe that you are." I so fiercely want to take his hands in mine. Instead I fist them in my lap. Wood bites into my ankles as all my weight falls onto my folded legs underneath me. "None of this was your fault. You didn't ask for her to do that. And you never deserved it. No one deserves that. I want you. I want you no matter what. No matter how broken or battered you feel. No matter who tries to bring you down, dismiss you, or break you. I. Want. You. As you are."
Lincoln scoffs and I know he doesn't believe me. But in due time... maybe he will.
"Perhaps," I sigh and move back to sit against the railing again to watch the stars while the crew shuffles around us. Someone calls out to someone else as I speak. "it's a good thing that we are here. Maybe for a time we need to be far away."
"Or maybe it's a really bad thing."
My thought quickly slips to Jase. To Lylix. To Zeve. What will become of them? Then I hug my knees to my chest again. Will Rowan have a funeral?
"Cordelia will get everything that is meant for her. We will get out of this Court... this realm... and even if I have to hand deliver justice myself, Cordelia will feel every ounce of pain that she has dished out."
Lincoln nods. "I can't wait to see you in a crown."
"I can't wait to have you at my side." I add, with the softest smile. Clouds dot the sky in an unidentifiable pattern. They blink out the stars behind them. Though, the longer we stare, the clouds move and reveal them once again.
Like Lincoln. I think. He's just hidden behind a murky cloud. And in time the cloud will move and he'll shine bright again. Or maybe he won't. But I'll still love him anyways.
Boots stomp up the stairs to our left. Crew members carry handfuls of supplies, only half of which I recognize. They eye us as they walk by, giving us the smallest smiles in thanks. A rope slips out of one of their arms and Lincoln waves his hand. Like a snake, the rope slithers back into the human’s arms and she watches with wide eyes.
Whatever conversation the two pirates were carrying on is put on pause as they watch the rope magically climb back into her grip. She mumbles a shaky, 'thank you."
"Show me how to do that," I blurt out.
Lincoln's brows pull together. "Show you how to use your magic? My brothers really didn't show you anything?"
"No. They said you would be able to help better."
"I shouldn't be surprised." He faces me and crosses his legs.
"I was. Kai was my friend. Like... my actual friend." I look down at the space between us and give a dry chuckle. "I mean, looking back maybe I should have known it all along or at least not be shocked that he didn't help me learn how to do my magic since his motives were not pure."
"What do you mean?"
"Well... he told me that your mother had made an arrangement for Kai and Cordelia to marry...since you and her didn't really work out. Then the kingdoms would merge with the condition that Kai had equal power and that the family line could continue to have some sort of control. But he knew that helping me get the crown would keep that from happening. I just thought that he was okay with that. I'm too naive for my own good sometimes."
"Kai is a good liar," Lincoln amends. "He was trained to be charming and to gain people’s trust. Don't feel bad that he fooled you. He fooled me and I trusted him with your life." He pauses for a moment. "It's okay to mourn the loss of his friendship. Part of me mourns him too."
Yes. That's what this is. Mourning. What I had thought had come alive between me and Kai is now dead. It has to be put to its grave and I need to move on. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting. Lincoln isn't the only one who needs to heal, I'm just hurt in a different way.
"Have you figured out how to do anything on your own just yet?" he asks carefully.
"Apart from a few failed attempts at flying and sweating my face off to create the illusion that I look different…no, I've been far too scared." I grimace. "Though I can feel the magic sometimes. It tingles behind my skin."
"Do you mind if I... if I dive into your mind for a moment?"
"Are you not already?" I laugh. To my understanding, our minds are already linked. He knows every thought that passes my mind so long as he is listening.
"This is more like the time I helped you do the steps to the dance you didn't know. I extend my conscious knowledge to you—”
"Similar to the fight!" I blurt in realization.
"Yes," he laughs, "that was very brilliant of you. So this will be like that, only I can take your consciousness along with me so that you can learn it for yourself firsthand. Kind of confusing, until you've lived through it. My brothers could have taught you like we teach children who come into their magic but this, admittedly, is much faster. Better for you to try to master it now than later. And we have plenty of humans to practice on."
"Practice on? We can't use the crew as guinea pigs!" I whisper harshly.
"Relax." He dips his head so we're eye level. "I won't let you shatter their minds."
Shatter their minds? I can do what now?
"You're joking." Because he has to be.
"Why would I kid about something like that?" His attention leaves me and follows the humans that pass, clearly eavesdropping. He gives them his best untamed grin, one that makes him look like he'd be happy to feast upon their organs as soon as the morning rises. The pirates narrow their gazes suspiciously, but walk just a little bit faster.
"Can you tell what sort of powers I have?"
"Well, most Fae, at least royal born, can make things appear and disappear pretty easily. Then you have a few who are gifted with more specific gifts. Like mind connection. Or a wickedly good green thumb. So I'd say, it's safe to say that you can do all generic Fae things. But the question is... are there any specialties hidden inside that cunning mind of yours?"