“Reed!” I scream, but he disappears.
I’m gasping for air as I sit up with a jerk.
Gigi is in the armchair across from me; she’s flipping through a book and looks up with a start.
“Ella? What’s wrong?” She jumps out of the chair and comes to me. I realize I’ve been sweating too.
“I think…I think I need a shower.”
“Yeah, sure, okay. You’re welcome to have one. But I don’t think that is the problem here. Do you want to talk about what’s going on with you?”
Gigi crouches down beside me, looking up at me sternly. I know this time she’s not going to let it slide. She wants to know exactly what’s happening. When I say nothing, she continues.
“You can’t run away from it now; you’re back here. Whatever is going on, you have to face it, but I’m here. You’re never going to be alone.”
I stare at her like I’ve seen a ghost. I can’t get the words out. My throat feels dry.
“It’s Rodney, isn’t it? He’s the reason why you quit your job and went to Europe. And now you’re back, and you’d hoped you would have forgotten him. Moved on. But that isn’t the case.”
It’s like she’s managed to take the words right out of my mouth. I lick my lips and nod; my eyes are still wide open.
Gigi places a hand on my knee, then hauls herself up to join me on the couch.
“I have never apologized for what happened, Ella. It is all my fault. I am the one who introduced you guys. You wouldn’t be going through this if it wasn’t for me.”
“It isn’t your fault, Gigi,” I murmur.
“I mean, if I knew he was that kind of guy….who would expect his girlfriend to be comfortable in an open relationship…Ella, you know I never would have introduced you to him.”
“Gigi! Listen to me. It is not your fault. Do you get it?”
“But I’m taking responsibility for it. I always knew there was something off about Rodney. I should have warned you when you guys first got together.”
“It was my fault. My fault alone…” I am trying to convince her, but it’s like she’s not even listening to me.
“How could he even think of suggesting a thing like that? An open relationship. Wow! You shouldn’t blame yourself, hon. How could you have known he would want that?”
“He wanted it because I didn’t want to give up my virginity to him,” I admit finally, my voice sizzling. I haven’t said this before. Gigi has no idea that Rodney and I never did…it.
She’s staring at me in surprise now, and I have to look away.
“What?”
“I didn’t sleep with him.”
“In those six months that you guys were together?”
“I told him I wanted to wait for the right moment and I guess the right moment just didn’t come.”
Gigi scratches the tip of her nose. I know she’s trying to arrange her thoughts. There isn’t much to say.
“I know he said and suggested the things he did because he knew we weren’t going to have sex. Not for a long time. He said he wasn’t going to force me to have sex with him and that he loved me, but he needed an outlet. He needed to vent.”
“So he wanted to do it with someone else and expected you to be okay with it?” Gigi hisses.
I hang my head. For some reason, I’m feeling ashamed. She comes closer to me, forcing me to look up at her. There’s a fierceness in her gaze.
“This is not your fault. None of it. He was trying to emotionally manipulate you, and you walked away. You did the right thing, Ella. Always remember that,” she said.
I’m in the shower now. In Gigi’s gorgeous black-marble bathroom. She told me to take as much time as I needed, and I do feel like I will need a lot of time.
I’ve been standing under the steady stream of hot water, letting my hair and body soak through. Saying those words aloud back there have had some kind of calming effect on me. I haven’t uttered Rodney’s name in six months. I haven’t even allowed my brain to go there and relive those painful memories.
But they’re all flooding back to me now.
That first night I met him when he came over to our apartment. He was there to check in on Gigi. They had gone on a few dates, but things never worked between them. He was just a friend. But then we met, and it was like he decided he was going to have me.
I didn’t think much of him that night but I did notice the way he looked at me. I knew he was already making plans. Before he left the apartment, he handed me his business card. I didn’t plan on calling him. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and besides, I wasn’t really interested in him.
But Rodney called. He called over and over again, wrote me long text messages after he got my number from Gigi.
I tried to ignore him, but Gigi seemed to think he would be good for me. She had always considered him to be a good person. A nice guy. He was easy on the eyes too.
So I gave in.
And like with everything else in my life, I jumped into that relationship with both feet and didn’t look back. I allowed myself to be swept away by Rodney and his charm. He promised me the world, and I believed him.
Within three months of dating, I had introduced him to my family. At the dinner table while my mom fussed and gushed over him, he announced that he wanted a big family. At least four kids, and he wanted to start trying soon. In his excitement, my father asked when the wedding date was, and Rodney declared he was going to propose soon. That he even had the ring picked out.
I was overwhelmed. I didn’t expect everything to move so quickly. I was twenty-one. A fresh college graduate with a new job. I was sure I wanted to see the world first before settling into marriage and kids.
But I was in love with him. I was sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Why would I stop now? Why not take the plunge?
I pushed back all the doubts and questions I had about our relationship and agreed that we should set a wedding date soon. But every time we kissed and got intimate, I felt a wall fly up between us.
I was a virgin, I still am…and for some reason, I didn’t feel ready to sleep with Rodney. The man I thought I was prepared to marry.
Two more months went by and the ring never turned up. Rodney hadn’t proposed yet. Now, whenever we went out for dinner and then went back to his place, he sat at the opposite end of the couch. He had stopped pulling me into his arms or trying to kiss me. It was like he wasn’t even interested in trying anymore. He knew I was going to push him away when he tried to unhook my bra.
That was when I started blaming myself.
I was angry and frustrated. Why couldn’t I just be a good girlfriend? Why couldn’t I just give myself to him fully?
The excuses I had given Rodney were that I wanted to wait for the right moment. Maybe until we were married. I wanted our first time to be special.
But those were not the real reasons anymore.
I had never felt that connection with him, which I expected to feel with the man who would take my virginity. I was a twenty-one-year-old virgin and now the pressure was on to get it right. Even though I had decided I was going to marry him, I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that I would give my virginity to him. That he was going to be the only man I would ever be with.