2
Ella
Gigi and Hudson are at the airport to receive me, and I can’t believe how big he is now.
“Oh my God!” I squeal, dragging my bags behind me. Gigi waves and Hudson is a little wary. It’s only been six months of being away from them, but it’s enough time for him to have forgotten me. “Look at you!”
Hudson clings to his mother for a few minutes while we talk and hug. I can feel his eyes on me, trying to place me. I spent a lot of time with him when he was just born, when Gigi needed all the help she could get as a single mother. For the first eight months of Hudson’s life, I helped raise him.
“He just needs a moment; he’ll remember you soon enough. You’re part of his muscle memory now,” Gigi says, throwing one arm around me as we walk towards her car.
Morgan, her boyfriend and Hudson’s dad, has sent one of his fancy chauffeured cars.
“You guys really didn’t have to do this. I could have just taken a cab back to the apartment.”
“Don’t be silly, Ella. You’ve been traveling for over six months. You must be exhausted and tired. Just come to the house with us. Rest up, and we’ll drop you back to the apartment later. There’s no hurry.”
We get into the car, and Hudson gets strapped into his seat. He’s still eyeing me suspiciously. I’m trying to give him the space he needs to adjust to my presence, but every time I catch his eye, I smile.
Gigi and I settle in together in the car. This is the longest time we have spent apart from each other since we first became friends in middle school.
“Those emails and pictures you sent me were not enough, girl, you have to tell me everything. Every little detail. You just had the experience of a lifetime!” She is excited for me, holding my hands tightly in her lap.
I search her eyes because I will know if there is anything wrong. But there isn’t. She’s happy. She’s finally really happy. She is with a man who treasures and worships her, and who she is head-over-heels in love with. They are now a little family.
I nod. “Yeah, it sure feels like an experience I might never have again. I’m glad I did it. I saw so much and learned so much. I don’t even know how. How I got this far alone.”
“England, Scotland, France, Belgium, Italy, Vatican City! And so many others. I mean, I can’t even imagine living that kind of an adventure!”
“Yeah, well, you have a kid,” I say and she rolls her eyes. “That is an adventure by itself.”
“Now with Morgan around, my life is so much simpler. I can finally enjoy motherhood. You know? I don’t have to worry all the time, I don’t have to make decisions by myself, and I sleep well at night knowing that Hudson is growing up having a relationship with his father. It’s wonderful.”
I give Gigi another hug because I’m so happy to see her.
“So anyway, tell me everything!” she exclaims, pulling away.
“I honestly don’t know where to start.”
“Where did you go first? England, right? London? What happened there?”
The only thought that comes to my head is that night with Reed. It’s the only thing that I think about when I look back at the rest of the trip. Despite all the places I have been to and all the adventures I have had, he still seems like the most significant part of it.
Gigi is staring at me while my thoughts are far away. Just like I’m sure I know her, she’s sure she knows me inside-out.
“You’re thinking about something. What happened in London, Ella? Come on, spill.”
“Nothing. I mean nothing out of the ordinary. I’m just jetlagged, you know?”
Gigi doesn’t look convinced but she sinks back in her seat and shrugs.
“Nothing a good nap and some food in your system can’t solve. After that, you have to tell me everything. Every little detail. I don’t think I’m going backpacking through Europe any time soon, so let me live vicariously through you.”
I smile at her and sit back too, looking out of the window at the busy streets of Chicago. It’s been raining, and it’s cloudy outside. The streets are wet and people are in heavy trench coats carrying umbrellas. I’m not in Europe anymore. I’m not free anymore. I’m back home, where I have responsibilities.
“You don’t look so happy to be back home, Ella,” Gigi’s voice cuts through my thoughts. I turn to her and shake my head.
“It’s not that. I’m just tired. I’ll be fine tomorrow, you’ll see.”
I can see the concern in my best friend’s eyes. I know what’s dancing on her tongue—there is something specific she wants to say but she doesn’t know if bringing it up will upset me.
I hope she doesn’t. I don’t want her to mention his name. He’s the one who triggered all this. Made me feel like I was crazy. Made me judge every decision and choice I have made for myself. Made me question the very person I am.
I look away from Gigi in the hopes that she will leave me alone for a few minutes. Just so I can collect my thoughts. I don’t know if I’m happy to be back in Chicago yet. While I was traveling, I was free. I was nobody. Just another face in the crowd.
“Ella!” It’s Hudson. I look at him in awe and see that he’s pointing to me. He has a big happy smile on his face. He recognizes me! Gigi claps her hands with joy.
“Yeah, baby, that’s right. That’s Auntie Ella!”
I lean towards him and give him a soft kiss on his forehead.
“Hi, Hudson, my love. Wait until you see all the gifts I have for you.”
The rest of the day has passed me by like I’m in a dream. We got to their house, which is a mansion, and there was a lavish buffet-style lunch ready for us that I feasted on whole-heartedly.
While Hudson is down for a nap, Gigi and I have been lazing around in the living room, listening to music and talking about my trip. Someone brought us mimosas, and after my second glass, I’m already beginning to feel like I could doze off right here.
I’m lying down on the couch. It’s so comfy and warm. The soft music fills my ears and Gigi’s voice is there in the background. Finally, I feel relaxed. Maybe things are not going to be as bad here as I feared they would. I’m back home now, surrounded by people who love and care for me.
I get to watch Hudson grow up.
Then why do I feel this hollowness too?
My eyes flutter close and I give in to the way my achy limbs are relaxing. I don’t want to fall asleep because then I won’t be able to sleep at night. But within seconds, I’m back in Europe. The cobbled streets of Edinburgh lie before me.
I’m walking into a coffee shop. The one J.K. Rowling used to visit for writing her books. I order a flat white, and a small brownie comes with it. When I look through the window, I’m sure I see Reed’s face. His handsome face. His beard frames his chin; it’s more like a really thick stubble. His sweater looks sexy on him. He’s smiling directly at me, and I leave the coffee. I run out of the shop, throwing my arms wide open for him.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry I walked away! I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know I would miss you so much!” I’m shouting the words at him, and he says nothing. Just waits one moment, then turns and starts walking away.