Who will book me tonight? And, what will I have to do?
I can’t get last night out of my head. I can’t get him out of my head and I’m crazy to fixate on the fact that a man paid that much money to taste me.
Maybe it’s because I was treated like an animal for so, so long. Like I was nothing. I started to believe it.
“Okay, Mama,” Rosie says giving me that smile again. Her little voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
I pack her toys she calls her babies into her Mickey Mouse backpack. The stuffed pig, the goose, the giraffe and the little pink bear. Then I put on her Princess Ariel coat and the knitted hat she likes.
We just have to go over to the next apartment building, but it looked to me like it would rain so I want to be sure she doesn’t catch a cold.
Rosie and I walk through the rickety old door that I swear will fall off the hinges one day and I lock it. I hate this place. I truly hate it. The goal is to move at the end of the show when I get my money. I’ll get paid the monthly salary, but all the money I make from the bookings will be paid to me in one lump sum at the end. If I get what I hope for I plan to use the money for deposit on a house.
Currently we live in a one-bedroom piece of shit with a broken window that looks out to another apartment across from me with a creepy prick who looks to be in his late fifties who’s always having sex. No matter what time of day or night it is, I look through that window and he’s having sex with one woman after another. The women also look like schoolgirls.
I think he’s a sex addict. Must be to be so active all the time. I also think the girls are prostitutes.
I placed a curtain up but because the window is broken, when it’s windy, the curtain doesn’t do much to shield my eyes from watching something I really don’t want to see.
Rosie takes my hand just as someone clears their throat behind me. My stomach clenches. Without turning, I already know who it is. tension roils within me and I wish I could run away, but that would make things worse.
So, I turn with a smile on my face meeting the dark brown eyes of Brent. He lives around the corner and has had his eye on me since I stepped in the building. He’s a bulky Russian guy who reminds me of an MMA fighter, and he has the same creepy vibe I’ve witnessed in a lot of the men around here.
He works for Lev and was the guy who told me about Lev in the first place. A no-risk, but high interest loan to pay my rent arrears seemed attractive when you know you’ll be thrown into the street with your child if you don’t pay your rent.
I borrowed four thousand dollars and the fucking interest these assholes put on it when I fell behind in repayments took it to twelve thousand. When I tried to argue it I was told I knew what I was signing up for and if I didn’t pay I wouldn’t like the consequences.
“Hello beautiful, now where would you be going with your little doll at this hour?” he asks.
He’s always paid both me and Rosie a compliment, but Rosie is just like me. She can pick up on men with seedy intentions. It’s different when you meet a guy and you’re attracted to them and he’s attracted to you. This man just wants sex from me.
“I’m working late so my little doll will be staying with a friend.” That’s as much as I’ll say to him. I know he watches me so if I can keep things vague it will be better. Basically, give enough info so I’m not rude but maintain that line I want to keep up.
I don’t want anyone like him in my child’s life. This is bad enough and we barely associate with him.
“Wow, working late. I guess I’m going to have to wait even longer now to have that dinner invite,” he states, and my pulse skitters.
It was he who invited himself to dinner weeks ago. Again, not wanting to cause any upset, or appear rude I told him I was busy and maybe we could arrange something some other time. This guy carries the same vibe as Miguel. Like he might beat a woman if she defied him or try to kill her if she crossed him the wrong way. So, I just try to be nice, peaceable.
“Gotta pay my debt somehow,” I intone.
“Yeah, I guess, but still. There are other ways to pay that debt.” He smiles wide when I don’t answer, walks up to us, and looks down at Rosie. “Little one, you should put in a good word for me with your Mama,” he says to her. Then he returns his gaze to me and I find that he’s just too close for comfort. “Not always wise to keep a man waiting.”
“No, I’m sure it’s not.”
He steps closer and my mouth goes dry as he places his hand beside me, now, towering over me with his height.
“You know, I really wouldn’t mind you bringing her over to my place,” he says with a heated gaze. coming closer he brushes over my ear. “We could be quiet. I could fuck you quietly. She’s young, she wouldn’t know what’s happening. I could consider it a way to work of part off the debt you owe Lev.”
My stomach tangles, twisting into knots that spiral low in my belly. I step back, away from him, taking Rosie’s hand so we can get away.
“I have to work,” I answer, my voice a quivering mess.
“Think about it.”
Squeezing her little hand, I walk away, and he chuckles deep and low, knowing he has me backed into a corner even though I’ve managed to leave him this time. I bite back tears and try to steady my racing heart.
As we walk, I feel his eyes on my ass. His stare on me with my back turned is more daunting than when I look at him face to face.
His gaze is so strong I’m compelled to glance behind me before Rosie and I turn the corner and I can see he’s still watching me, watching us.
My legs carry me away as fast as I can move, and I get lost in my thoughts. If I could move right now I would.
I’d get in my car and drive far away. I wouldn’t even get our things. Most of what we have isn’t worth anything.
The money I had left from work went to paying Jenny and our living expenses. Jenny was kind enough to watch Rosie and allow me to owe her in the times I was looking for a job. She trusted me to pay when I got something, and I trusted her with my child. I can’t believe I’m so broke.
Everything Miguel owned was seized by the government and the police. We lived in a gilded cage in Colombia where yes, we had everything, but I honestly believed that if Miguel had beat me one more time I would have died.
When the police confirmed his death and my freedom, I was left with what I could take from one of his many bank accounts. I managed to get five grand. That took care of me and Rosie, enabled us to get out of Colombia and head here.
I came back to Chicago because I thought of heading back to where I left my dreams. I always wanted to dance with the Aurora Dance Company. That’s what I hope to do after the job at the club.
I don’t have anybody here anymore. It was just Mom and me, always. Any friend I would have had is long gone. Most of them are dancers who now tour the world. Besides, I wouldn’t want anyone seeing me this way.
Me who worked so hard, falling into shit. Dancing at a sex club instead of on stage showing off my talents. I can’t even take care of my little girl. Having some creep, solicit me right beside her is not my idea of being a good mother.
“Mama, we walked past Jenny’s,” Rosie says when we get out on the road.
Jesus. I stop and try to smile down at her but a tear runs down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly.