And, okay, she couldn’t deny it. She wanted more. She wanted something physical. She wanted him real and in front of her. The whole nine yards. His hands on her body, the taste of his breath as it mixed with hers, and his cock sliding into her. The thought had her knees shaking, but if she let this opportunity pass her by, she’d regret it. At some point, she had to leave the past where it belonged. So, she forced her shaking fingers to type in the response and hit send before she lost the nerve to do it.
MadHatter3000: C U 2night.
BookNerd: I’m glad. Later, baby.
When his name blipped off her screen, Maddie released a breath filled with equal parts excitement and relief.
Hannah lifted her gaze from the papers and smiled. “See? Piece of cake. You can do this.”
Maddie let loose a half-maniacal laugh. She was sure she sounded like she’d gone off the deep end, which summed up the emotions thrumming through her. “Oh yeah. Piece of cake, Han. Piece of cake.”
Hannah abandoned the stack of papers and stepped to her side, wrapping her in a tight hug that reminded her too much of Christina. “It’ll be okay, Madds. You’ll see. Do you want this?”
Maddie let the tension drain from her shoulders. “Yes.”
Hannah released her, the corners of her mouth tipped up in sympathy, and shook her head.
“Then swallow the fear and do it anyway. Let yourself have this. I was terrified the day I met Cade for the first time at The Space Needle. I was sure he’d take one look at me and go home. But he didn’t. He took me in his arms and God, Madds. He had an erection hard enough to hammer train track spikes.” Hannah giggled, then rolled her eyes in bliss. “But that first time…”
Maddie’s mind filled with the fantasy of Dave drawing her against that big, hard chest. A heated shiver ran the length of her spine. “That good, huh?”
Hannah pursed her lips and nodded. “So much better in person. I understand the fear, though.”
“Probably better than anyone.” Maddie dropped her gaze to her sneakers and nodded. Hannah had been judged one too many times for the scars on her face. Some men were shallow, and she’d met too many of them. She’d been as terrified at the thought of taking her relationship with Cade into reality. At least Maddie wasn’t alone in her fear.
“Your past doesn’t make you who you are, so don’t let it. Cade taught me that.” Hannah hugged her again then released her. “Reach out and take this, Madds. Just because you can. You’re twenty-eight, gorgeous, single and successful. Hold your head high. You deserve this. You owe it to yourself.”
* * *
Later that night, Maddie sat staring at her computer. Waiting. That had to be pathetic, yet here she was, pretending to watch TV, her laptop seated on her knees. Their closer, J.J., had come in early, leaving Maddie plenty of time to anticipate tonight’s conversation. Plenty of time to work herself into a frenzy of nerves. She’d had dinner already. The kitchen was clean and her laundry was done. There were a million other things she could be doing. Like watching the paranormal program she’d recorded on her DVR the other night. Or reading the book Dave had sent.
What was she doing, instead? Sitting here waiting for his Gchat name to appear online. When it actually did, her heart leapt, a full-out giddy little flip-flop. When his message popped up seconds later, her heart took off on a sprint, and her hands began to shake. God, that was pathetic. Not only had she waited for him, but she was so excited to see him she was coming out of her skin.
BookNerd: Hey
MadHatter3000: Hey
Despite the fact that they weren’t even in the same room, awkward tension rose like a tangible object. She had no idea what to say to him. Their last conversation had been awkward at best. So, she sat and waited, stomach rolling with nausea.
It didn’t take long for another message to pop up.
BookNerd: We okay?
We. His particular use of the word caught her and had her fear running away with itself. She didn’t want a “we.” What she wanted was something in the middle.
She sighed. She was caught somewhere between her inability to trust men and the future she ached to have, but it meant taking that first step and this was it.
MadHatter3000: We’re ok. Sorry about earlier. You spooked me. Getting that gift made me wonder what you’re expecting from this.
BookNerd: Am I hoping to get you naked at some point? Yes. ;) Otherwise? I’m not expecting anything. I’m afraid to tell you, sweetheart, I really am a geek. Books are my idea of seduction. It was my way of saying I like you. I’m looking forward to meeting you, you know. I hope you are, too.
Was she? Hands down. She hadn’t had sex with a man in well over four years, an entire year before she’d met Grayson. She’d wanted to make love to him, but hadn’t been able to because the fear had gotten to her, filling her mind with ugliness. Well, no more. She was tired of being alone. Maybe she wasn’t ready to give out her heart yet. Of that she was certain. Maybe this thing with Dave would only be a fling, but with any luck, she’d find her feet again.
Decision made, she typed in another response.
MadHatter3000: I have to be honest as well. This? Online? Is easy, b/c it’s simple. It’s a fantasy. This I can do. But in person? The thought scares the crap out of me. It’s been a while for me. I meant what I said. I’m not ready for more than this.
BookNerd: I’m not asking you for more. Though, I may ask you to take off your panties. ;) Would that be a yes, then? Are you looking forward to meeting at the auction?
That he’d repeated the question stood out to her and had her mind shifting gears. Was he afraid she wasn’t looking forward to their date? It hinted that he was nervous, too. Not for the first time since she’d start chatting with him, seeing his human side eased the worry gnawing at her stomach.
MadHatter3000: Yes. My panties are damp. I’ve been waiting for you.
Heart still firmly seated in her throat, she added another message, as an afterthought.
MadHatter3000: That’s pathetic, right?
BookNerd: If it is, I’m right there with you, baby. Getting to talk to you is the best part of my day.
Knowing that sent little butterflies dancing through her stomach. Like she was sixteen all over again, sitting in Tom Wilson’s pickup, in the dark parking lot of that deserted park.
BookNerd: Relax, okay? We’ll play it by ear. No pressure, I promise. I’m just looking forward to seeing you. I want you close enough to touch. Now ask me what I want to do to you when I see you. ;)
Maddie smiled. Now this she couldn’t resist.
MadHatter3000: Let me guess, you plan to drag me off somewhere quiet to have your way w/ me?
BookNerd: Not quite. Thought I’d start with your mouth first. Maybe work my way down your neck…
Nerves eased, she relaxed into the sofa cushions and fell easily into the usual play.
MadHatter3000: I might actually let you. ;)
BookNerd: Baby, I’m hoping you’ll let me do a whole lot more than kiss you. I want to feel you tremble in my arms when I find all those sensitive spots. I want to feel your breath on my neck when my fingers find you hot and wet…
And there it was. The single solitary statement to send her stomach right back into a riotous mass of anxious nerves. It was beyond pathetic to be twenty-eight and still acting like a virginal high school girl.