“How about I pick you up for fall break?” she offers, but I’m already done with this conversation.
“Sure thing, Moms. Gotta go.”
“Don’t forget that I love you past the stars.”
“To the Milky Way,” I respond like always before hanging up. It’s our goodbye, but it no longer rings true to me. Moms isn’t biologically my mom, not by blood, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is in fact my mom. She raised me and Cass. We’re hers, through and through.
Talking to Moms doesn’t seem to help as much as it once did. Doesn’t help that we’re all a mess and can’t seem to function as a family without Cass.
We’re fucking hopeless, and I’m done trying.
Six
Jordan and the rest of Student Gov seem to gravitate toward me. They’re everywhere, and it’s driving me nuts. At first, it was easy to ignore them. Avoiding eye contact, making comments, or even thinking about them seemed to work, but as school progresses, that’s not the case.
I can’t even skip class to smoke a bowl because they somehow always seem to show up when least expected.
Today, though, getting high is my only goal. It’s not a little urge. I’m at the point of desperation. Alcohol used to be my go-to before Cassidy died. Sixteen, an alcoholic, living off the praise of seventeen-year-old boys and all the popular kids. What a fucking joke. Parties were constant occurrences at Crystal Tower. It’s like they invented them.
But this year, it’s different. Weed calms me but doesn’t leave my mind foggy. That’s what I need to get through this year.
Pulling out the little baggy I scored from Tanner in the city before coming here, I escape to the woods near the school. After the debacle with Ten, there’s nothing I want more than to hide. Student Gov is a bunch of annoying dicks who need to fuck right off.
The twigs and earth crunch beneath my boots, each step loud while class stays in session. The clouds, murky and gray as usual this time of year, clings to the sky, enveloping the light in a cape of shadows. The chill isn’t to my bones yet. It’s still a good time to sit near the little lake in the center of this godforsaken forest. Technically, we’re not allowed to come here, but that doesn’t stop any of us. We do what we want when we want. Regardless of how much I spit on the others with my distasteful words, I’m as entitled as the rest.
Near the lake, there sits a rock. Cass would take me there, and when he wasn’t here, it became my escape, one where I would draw and write, pretty much do anything to be away from Cass when he became overbearing. It’s insane how life changes and the only thing truly desired is my brother. I’d trade anything, even my soul, if that would give me another moment with him.
Just one.
A few words.
Goodbye, maybe.
Anything to feel this gaping hole mend a little.
The trees surrounding me are big and green, almost as moody as me. If you stuck a depressed filter on this landscape, that’s what expresses itself now. I almost hate it, the fact that it’s so dank and dark, but that doesn’t stop my pursuit. Depressing as it is, it’s more soothing than sunshine with fake smiles and morbid fallacies shown to others.
My favorite stop comes up ahead as I drag my feet. Around some redwoods and pine is my rock and several others. They’ve always intrigued me. As if they fell from the sky in a heap, they’re separated from the rest of the mountainous area around. There’s no other way to explain the phenomena. Not a single boulder nearby could have created such massive rocks randomly.
Right as I’m rounding around the tree, a lone figure sits in the distance, and I catch my breath. From the twenty-foot distance, there’s no telling who it is. All I know is that they’re wearing the school’s uniform and are broad-shouldered, big, wide like a brute.
Nestling behind the tree, I stay back. The desire to sneak over overwhelms me, begging me to see what the stranger is doing. He stands, pacing back and forth. Is he arguing with himself? His arms move vigorously, going up and down as if he’s pissed. Well, this is awkward. Why am I watching him? Is this the equivalent to a train crash?
Deciding to move closer because I’m a masochist, I try not to crunch everything in my path. It’s hard when you’re wearing four-inch platform boots in a fucking forest, but attempting it is my only choice. The scent of tobacco permeates the air. Sniffing as little as possible causes me to scrunch my nose in displeasure. Yeah, smoking a joint or ten a week is my thing, but cigarettes are gross. Hypocrite, probably. Regardless, cigarettes are gross.
My feet aren’t light as I’m progressing toward the guy. He’s still yelling, and as I get closer, I can hear some words.
“This is such bullshit, and you know it! I owe you fuckers nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
The voice is a bit muffled by the sounds of birds and wind rustling through the redwoods, but it sounds familiar.
“Well, fuck you guys and your dad!” a familiar voice hollers loudly.
When I’m a few yards away, a branch snaps beneath my foot, and I’m halting. Almost as if the birds, wind, and nature decided fending for myself was the result of stupidity, everything silences.
Adrenaline rushes through me, I attempt to slow my breathing, not wanting to be caught. He can’t see me. I’m behind foliage and trees, but my hair is bright fucking green. With my luck, it’ll give me away.
“Did you hear that?” a voice, deeper than the first, questions.
My heart hammers, and my palms suddenly feel clammy. There’s no harm in spying, right? These are probably a bunch of teenagers pissed at their parents for something... right? They wouldn’t hurt a Hudson. They wouldn’t.
For the first time since Cassidy’s death, I’m panicking. Fear slices through my veins like my razor always does when my mood drowns.
I back up a step when I see them shuffling. They’re worried. Which means, one, they’re doing something illegal, two, they’re ditching class like me, or three, all the above and worse.
“Who’s out there?” a third voice, deeper and angrier than the first two, barks, making my skin slick with sweat.
Shit. Shit. Shit. I just wanted to smoke a joint, not cause trouble. This year is supposed to fly by.
When the three figures are more visible, my body trembles from head to toe, and even though it’s cold, I’m sure that the temperature has nothing to do with the sudden chill in the air.
“Let’s split up.” The words escape one of the three, promising danger with each syllable.
I rush away from the trees, no longer trying to be quiet, running for my life.
Is this how Cass felt?
Am I going to die, too?
“Come back here!” one of them shouts as I near my hiding spot, a cave Cass and I found my freshman year. He used it for whatever he wanted, and I used it to make out with Ten. We called it our bunker. Cass eventually made it a fully functioning place of escapism. It’s furnished inside, and there’s even a door. After escaping inside its small entrance, I hear feet running across the stick-laden ground, the sound of the wind whooshing, and the grunts as they pass by without seeing me.
Minutes go by. My heart still runs rampant in my chest. So much for taking it easy.
After I’m positive they’re gone, I exit the cavern. Looking back to where we came from, my body shivers. As I turn, I run into a solid chest.