What’s going on?
What do you want to erase?
Me: Everything.
GeneQuest
Genetic Family Conversations
To: Cordelia Koenig (online)
From: Jack Bisset (online)
Hey.
I haven’t heard back from you, and I realize how vague my last email sounded.
I’m hoping for a chance to explain myself. First, I want you to know that I loved your mother. Really loved her. Even though I knew she was married and knew what we were doing was wrong, I thought she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever met. It’s the kind of love that crept out of nowhere and left me blind when she told me we couldn’t see each other anymore. I thought that someday she was going to leave her husband and we were going to be together. It’s probably an awful thing to say, considering I’m guessing that’s the guy who raised you. Maybe I’m bitter. I found out about you the week before I left Tundra Cove for Seattle, and it damn near killed me knowing I’d never meet you.
She came over, told me she was pregnant, and made it clear that she didn’t want me involved.
I didn’t want that.
I wanted a chance to be your dad.
For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I hope you’ve had a good life. I hope your parents are happy and everything. I just wanted a chance to tell you my side of things.
Jack
I can’t do this.
His unfiltered words
spread through my chest,
making it hot
like asphalt in summer
too hot to touch.
Knowing too much,
the little details.
Where he lives,
what he wanted,
and that he
loved
my mother.
That he knew about me.
He wanted me,
and ached the same way
I ache.
Wondering for years
which parts of me
were living out there
looking like him.
Wishing we’d gotten a chance
at a life together.
Did he dance fingers
up Mom’s side
at dinner?
And did he cry when
she told him
he couldn’t keep me
the way Kodiak did
when Liv told him
they couldn’t
keep their baby?
There is no going back after this.
There’s no way I can’t read this over
and over
and over
Forever.
Because I know at last
I’m not only a lie
but a product of
infidelity.
A sin.
A sob story.
A secret.
I am the thing people
whisper about.
So I make a choice.
Sana-Friend ♥
Sana: Are you out of class yet?
Me: Need a ride home?
Sana: I HEARD BACK FROM UNIVERSITY OF DENVER!
Me: I take it that your all caps indicated this was a positive experience?
Sana: FUCK YES it was!
I mean
There’s no possible way I can afford to go without a scholarship.
Like. Zero way.
But I like knowing that I at least got in.
Me: That’s amazing!
Let’s go celebrate!
Sana: Later?
I’m going to Maddy’s house to work on our projects.
Me: Oh cool.
Sana: You could probably come over too.
But I did see YOUR partner hanging out in the commons area.
Playing guitar.
Brooding and such.
Kodiak’s fingers press
down on guitar strings
with the same familiarity
he recites his poems.
Only this time,
when he sings
out into the commons,
the lyrics to the plucky
acoustic sound
of his guitar.
He sings his poems,
then mine.
Eyes closed,
chest open,
and my stomach
tumbles
each time
he sings
one of my
lines.
I can’t help
how I want to reach out
and brush my fingers
against his eyelashes.
I want to hide in the safe place
between his shoulder
and chest,
and never come back
to the hurting place
I’m in now.
To dot with my lips
every freckle
spread across his nose.
“The songs are beautiful,”
I say.
“Of course they are.”
He opens his eyes
and whispers to me,
our knees touching,
“You wrote them.”
Missed call from Mom- 3:32 pm
Missed call from Mom- 3:33 pm
Text from Mom- What are you doing?
Where are you?
Missed call from Dad- 3:40 pm
Text from Sana- You need to get a room.
But srsly you guys are totally cute.
Missed call from Mom- 3:44 pm
Text from Dad- Honey, are you okay?
Missed call from Mom- 3:45 pm
Missed call from Mom- 3:46 pm
Text from Mom- Cordelia. You’d better have a damn good reason for not picking up your sister.
His fingers
on mine.
We clutch the guitar together
“This is G.”
He slides my finger to the left
“And E. Like this.”
His breath
against my neck
makes my whole body
tingle.
Nervous
because we are so close
all I need
is to turn
ever so slightly
and our lips
might meet
and our hearts
might explode.
I start to turn,
and my cheek
brushes his.
His finger
tilts my chin
toward him
and we are about
to kiss
when his phone rings.
“It’s your mom.
I think she’s upset.”
Red.
Hot.
Anger.
Mom’s scream rang through the phone.
“I can’t believe you forgot her!
What were you doing?
Of course you were with him.”
I can’t say anything
because my words are lost
as if they’ve drifted
a thousand miles out
from my mind’s shore.
I want to be sorry,
but I’m not,
because my mom lied
the ultimate lie.
My heart hurts,
aching more today
than yesterday.
And the only thing that
has made me feel good
since I found out
is the feeling
of Kodiak’s
cheek
against mine.
Sana-Friend ♥
Sana: Dude.
Your mom called my phone.
Like a lot.
Me: I figured.
Sana: WTF happened?
Her voicemail sounded PISSED.
Me: I forgot Iris at practice.
Sana: Oh shit.
No wonder she’s pissed.
And you were with Kodiak
Me: We were doing senior project stuff.
Sana: Is that code for wiener and vagine stuff?
I saw you guys.
Damn girl.
This isn’t just a crush anymore is it?
Me: I don’t know.
Sana: Be careful.
You’re gonna end up pregnant like Liv.