He just stands there, shaking his head.
* * *
* * *
Downstairs. Faces flash in weird disco lights, and I have no idea where Sammi is. I barrel my way through to the front door. It feels like it takes hours to get there and more people cram into the hall.
My shoulder burns. I can’t see the door. I just want to see the door before I cry. Before I can’t make it out of here without puking, or screaming, or falling to my knees.
Hopefully, when Sean Nessel goes to clean his jacket, all evidence of me will come off. Hopefully, when school comes on Monday, Sean Nessel won’t even look at me. I hope he can just smile and keep walking.
3
BLYTHE
I wrap my finger around Suki’s pinkie and lead her to the bathroom, which is near the stairs. I can’t believe we have to wait for Nessel. For Sean. Mr. Perfect, who is somewhere seducing a junior he’ll never talk to again. I need something that’ll stop me from falling asleep, and Suki has a fresh bottle of Ritalin prescribed from her doctor. We crush it on the sink and snort it. It goes up quick, and I get a jolt. Just the right amount of energy that’ll help me drive these guys home. Just a tiny bump. But I’m shaky. She’s shaky. We see it in each other. More sips of beer to mellow out the high. That’s all.
“Where’s Sean?” Suki says.
“He’s upstairs with some junior.”
“Oh, that,” she says. Her eyes glaze over. Jaw clenches.
“Yeah, that.”
Suki’s been down the Sean road. She looks tiny every time I tell her Sean is with some girl, which is often. I might just lie to her next time because it feels cruel.
It’s been at least six months since they were together. One day she was about to have his babies—that’s what a guy like Sean will do to you. And it lasted for a week, the two of them. Then I find out he’s having sex with Jen Tucker in her car and going down Blake Sawyer’s pants behind the gym. I never said she was my girlfriend, Sean said when I asked him.
Her hands shake on the sink counter. “Sukes, your hands. They’re shaking,” I say.
She points down at mine. My hands are shaking too.
Something is off tonight. Something isn’t right.
* * *
* * *
Out of the bathroom, Ali practically runs me over. Her face is manic and teary. Eyes popping out of her skull. Racing nowhere. Her head spinning back and forth looking for an exit. I’m standing right there in front of her, and she doesn’t even notice me.
So I just say anything, just because I want to know. I want to see her eyes.
“Leaving so soon?” I say.
She turns to me, and her eyes widen even more with desperation. Her face looks broken, vacant.
Jesus, what did he do to her?
Across the room I see Sean talking to Dev. He’s shaking his head, telling him something. Something’s wrong. Something happened.
Ali’s face is melting almost.
And then she lets out this excruciating cry. Like someone’s dead.
“What’s wrong with you?” I say. “Calm down.”
But something happened. She’s rambling, babbling, not making any sense.
And in a way, it reminds me of me.
Stupid girl. Stupid, stupid girl! Playing with the big boys. This is what it looks like. When you’re small and unnecessary. I know this feeling. I know it well.
I make my way over to Dev, pushing bodies aside.
“Nessel just told me something about blood being on his jacket,” Dev whispers. “I’m like, ‘bro, what the hell are you talking about?’ He’s not bleeding anywhere.”
“He was with that girl Ali upstairs,” I say.
Dev stares at me funny. He can’t put it together.
“Do I need to explain it to you, Dev? Really?” I say, snap-ping. So much Nessel love. So much empathy for everyone. I love Dev for this and it’s what also drives me insane. “He went upstairs with her. Suki and I saw him.”
“So you and Suki are keeping tabs on Nessel? That’s kind of creepy, no?”
“It’s not like that, Dev—” I look to the front door to see where Ali went, but she’s gone.
“We have to get him out of here,” Dev says.
* * *
* * *
Sean, Dev, and I walk out; Sean’s head is down and he doesn’t say a word until we get in the car.
“Can you drive, B? Can you drive? You’re the only one who can drive, B. All we have left is you,” Sean says.
“I’m okay,” I say. But I’m totally not. We should call an Uber, but too much has gone on. I just want to get out of here.
“That girl made a mess of my jacket,” Sean says. I peek in the rearview mirror at a stop sign and see that he’s got his big varsity soccer jacket rolled up in a ball.
“Why do you keep saying that, bro?” Dev asks. “You said that earlier.”
“She had her period, dude. She bled, like, everywhere.”
But I wonder if it was her period at all. I wonder if it was more like her first time.
Sean’s garbly wasted. Talking things that half make sense. He says she was crying and that he didn’t even realize that she was crying until after.
“How am I supposed to know these things? Do you know how many girls hit on me? Do you? What did she think we were going to do up there? And she’s looking at me all sexy. What did she think was going to happen?”
“Aww, all the girls love Nessel, and they’re just crying over you, dude. They love you.” Dev’s smiling, but I can tell it’s not real. He winces when he says it. “She’s young. She’s just freaked out probably. She’ll be fine.”
I’m staring at the black of the road in front of me and thinking about why a girl might cry after she has sex. I think it doesn’t have to do so much with love. I think it has a lot to do with regret.
When I pull up at Sean’s house about ten minutes later, he spits on the curb, saying he’s going to puke. Dev’s already asleep. His hair is muddled up against the window.
Sean puts his head inside my window.
“You have to help me, B.”
“Help you into the house?”
“No. Come on, B. Think. Think!” He raises his voice. He can’t even get his words out. To see a god fall. Have you ever seen a god fall? I don’t want to see it. I can’t bear to look. I nod; it’s a painful blow.