“Do you mind,” I say, not a question, as I step forward, my shoulder brushing Neon’s. I try to emulate her nonchalant attitude, her effortless confidence, but I feel like a little kid stepping into my dad’s shoes. Which is ridiculous, because I know exactly how this is going to go. I can feel it, that focused desire forming inside of me and pushing outward. I haven’t actively used my ability in days—haven’t wanted or needed to while hanging out with Indah and Neon—but now I wish I could tell them what I do, have them fully appreciate how useful I could be, how powerful I am.
“Right, yeah,” the bouncer mumbles, stepping aside.
Yep, exactly how I knew it was going to go. I try not to smile too broadly.
Neon turns to me, raises her eyebrows in confusion and admiration before a pleased smile takes over her face. Without a word, she marches past him, taking a sharp left when she gets to the end of the hallway. I nod at the bouncer in mock thanks and look behind me at Indah, who is staring at me with narrow eyes and a question on her face. I shrug and follow Neon’s path, hearing Indah’s soft, cautious footsteps behind me.
By the time we reach Neon in one of the back rooms, she’s finishing what looks like an elaborate handshake with a pudgy guy about her age with tan skin and floppy, bleached bangs that swoop in front of his eyes. A huge smile overtakes his face the moment he looks over Neon’s shoulder.
“Indah!” He rushes toward her, wrapping her in a hug as she laughs, bright and easy, a sound that brings sunlight into my brain.
“Hey, Cory,” she giggles into his shoulder. “Guess it’s been a minute, huh?”
“Sure feels like it,” he says, releasing her from what seemed like a bone-crushing hug. “Who’s this guy?” he asks a second later, looking at me for the first time.
“This is Rob,” Neon tells him, “a stray that Indah picked up.”
“She fed me vodka and took me home,” I say, smirking, and Cory laughs.
“Sounds like Indah,” he says, smiling big. “Nice to meet you, Rob. Cory Alvarez.” He extends a hand, which I shake, warm and friendly.
Once again, I wonder if this is how you make friends. If it’s as easy as saying your name and making a joke and shaking a hand.
“’Sup,” I say after a moment, following a script I’ve seen other people perform. I want Cory to like me, want anyone in Indah and Neon’s orbit to like me, but it’s so quiet, low stakes, that I wonder if my power is doing any work at all.
“Is Blaze with you?” Cory asks, looking toward the doorway like this mysterious figure will suddenly appear.
“We were actually hoping he was here with you,” Indah says, her smile fading into worry.
“No, I haven’t seen him in a few weeks,” Cory says, face crumpling. “He missed a gig last week and hasn’t been returning any of my calls. I had to get my cousin Ricky to play drums tonight. Are you guys sticking around for our set?”
“Yeah.” Neon shrugs. “I think we were planning on it.”
“Oh.” Cory deflates. “Well, then you should know that my cousin isn’t really that good. He’s definitely no Blaze.”
“When was the last you heard from him?” Indah asks.
“Um…,” Cory starts as he looks down at his shoes. “I guess the last time we played? So, like, a month ago maybe?”
Neon’s mouth twists in disappointment and Indah sighs. This isn’t the answer they were looking for. I don’t know what we’re looking for, but I have a feeling that this guy isn’t telling us the whole truth.
“Are you sure?” I ask casually.
“What?” Cory looks confused and takes a quick glance at Neon and Indah to see the look mirrored on their faces. Annoyance surges inside of me—if they didn’t want me to take part in whatever Nancy Drew–ing they’re doing, then why did they invite me along at all?
“The last time you saw Blaze,” I continue, the name sounding foreign on my tongue. I don’t even know what this guy looks like. “Are you sure that it was when you played?”
Cory’s brow is furrowed, sweat gathering on his face. He’s nervous, hiding something. I want to break him open and see what comes tumbling out.
“Yeah.” He gulps. “We played a show at the Three Clubs and I called him the next day but he never called me back. I just assumed he ran out of minutes but then he didn’t show up for our gig, so … have you guys not heard from him either?”
Cory looks properly worried now, eyes darting back and forth between Neon’s and Indah’s wincing faces, but I don’t want to let him off the hook that easily.
“What happened at the gig?” I ask, keeping my voice level and easy, the focus rising back up in me.
“What do you mean?” Cory looks back to me and I just stare him down, wanting to know whatever it is he’s keeping all locked up. And then:
“Okay, so”—Cory exhales, looking at the ground—“we were packing up the gear and the other guys were inside and I think Blaze was a little drunk because he tried to kiss me.”
Neon’s eyebrows shoot up, both in surprise and as a challenge to whatever Cory will say next.
“And like”—Cory swallows, still staring at his shoes—“that’s totally cool or whatever, I don’t really care. But, you know, it’s not my thing.”
“Oh no…,” Indah mutters, a realization breaking on her face.
“Yeah,” Cory says, sneaking a look at Indah, “you know how Blaze gets. I kinda pushed him away—not mean or anything—but he got so embarrassed and he ran off. I tried to call him to tell him everything was cool with us but I just figured he still needed some space. I didn’t know that he liked me like that and I didn’t want to … I don’t know, I wanted to give him time, I guess.”
My shoulders drop and I let go of the thread I strung between me and Cory. That wasn’t as exciting of an answer as I hoped. And, taking a look at Neon’s face, I see it wasn’t the answer she was looking for either.
“So … you guys haven’t seen him?” Cory’s eyes dart between the three of us, the furrow in his brow getting deeper.
“You know Blaze.” Neon half smiles. “He’s probably just blowing off some steam.”
* * *
And that’s what we do for the next few weeks—we blow off steam that I’m not sure I had in the first place, but that Neon seems to have an endless supply of. Punk shows, vodka shots, and strange parties at odd after-hours bars tucked into residential neighborhoods like pockets of nocturnal activity. I feel alive and vital and like I never know what’s going to happen next. I’ve never felt that before, never felt that there were so many things to do and see, so many possibilities laid out in front of me that I’m overwhelmed in a positive way, overwhelmed with choice and desire. I begin to learn the city, to learn the differences in Neon’s laughs and how to draw them out in her; I learn that the way Indah looks at Neon is the way I wish she would look at me—the way I wish they would both look at me—but I also learn that there are some things my wants can’t manifest.