Mom sighs, crosses her arms over her chest.
“And remember how much Em matured after she studied abroad in France?” I add, omitting the stories Em told me about hitting the clubs every weekend.
“You want to travel instead of getting a new computer?” Mom says. “Fine.”
Dad looks at her. I smile.
She nods, then adds, “But not to the Philippines.”
My face falls. “Why not?”
“I mean . . . with what happened . . .”
A tense silence settles over the kitchen.
It drives me crazy that nobody will say Jun’s name. But I keep myself in check because getting angry isn’t going to get me what I want right now.
Thankfully, Mom senses the discomfort and redirects before anyone has a chance to answer her question. “You should go somewhere you haven’t been before. You really enjoyed our trip to England last summer, didn’t you? Why not somewhere else in Europe, like Spain? I have some friends in Valencia who live right on the Mediterranean coast. I bet they’d love to host us, and it would be a great chance to practice your Spanish.”
“Wait—‘us’?” I ask.
“Is there a problem with that?”
A problem? No. Many problems? Yes. But I need to tackle one at a time. “Um, can you guys take off work like that?”
“I’m sure we could make it happen.”
Dad clears his throat. “Actually, I don’t have any vacation days left.”
“We can afford for you to take unpaid time off.”
“I’d rather not, Dana.”
Mom turns to me. “Fine. A mother-son trip.”
Suppressing my urge to cringe hurts. But I manage. “As wonderful as that sounds . . . I was thinking I could travel alone.”
“Oh?” she says. “Too cool to hang out with your mom?”
Yes. Definitely yes.
“No,” I say. “I just think it would be a good way to celebrate graduating high school, you know? Like becoming a man, and all that.” It’s corny, but whatever it takes. I would never be able to find out the truth about Jun with Mom hovering over my shoulder.
I gauge their reactions and can tell they’re still not convinced. I take a moment to go over the Hail Mary speech I’ve prepared in my head. Of course, I can’t just tell them straight up that I want to investigate Jun’s death since they’ve already made it clear Tito Maning’s family would rather forget about him completely. But I know a bit of the truth might help me make my case.
“What happened with Jun,” I start, “made me realize how little I know about Dad’s side of the family, about that side of myself. I mean, we see your relatives in Ohio almost every summer, Mom, but I haven’t seen Dad’s family or been to the Philippines in almost a decade. I don’t speak Tagalog. I can’t even name more than a handful of cities in the country. But all of that’s part of me, isn’t it? Or, I mean, it should be. It’s like I only know half of myself.”
My parents exchange a look. I can’t tell if it’s good or bad. I’m afraid what I’ve said came out more like an accusation than an explanation.
“I understand all of that, and I do think it would be good for you to go back.” She uncrosses her arms and takes Dad’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “But maybe the timing’s not right.”
Except I’m ready for this.
“The truth is, Grace asked me to go,” I lie.
Dad cocks his head. “Really?”
I nod.
“You’ve spoken to your cousin since . . . ?”
I look him straight in the eye. “She’s been having a really hard time and wants me to hang out with her for a bit. You know, to help her through it. But please don’t tell Tito Maning—she doesn’t want him to know it was her idea.”
“I didn’t know you two were close.”
“We text sometimes,” I say.
“But Maning doesn’t allow her to have a phone.”
“Oh. I meant message. Online.”
He looks at Mom for a moment then back at me.
“She’s having a really hard time,” I repeat, hoping he cares enough about his niece’s emotional well-being that it will sway him.
Dad lets go of Mom’s hand and angles the laptop toward himself. He gazes at the screen and drags a finger across the trackpad to scroll the page. Mom leans back against the counter and watches.
“Jay’s almost eighteen,” he says.
“Almost,” Mom says.
Dad scrolls up and down the page, making it clear he’s killing time while he thinks instead of seeking information about the flight. Eventually he stops, runs a hand over his mouth, and then makes eye contact with Mom for several seconds.
Something passes between them, and a moment later, Dad pulls his phone from his pocket then turns his attention back to me. “I need to make sure it’s okay with Maning.”
“You serious?” I say.
He nods, then disappears to make the call.
I look at Mom expecting her to protest. But she sighs, mutters something about her baby boy growing up, and then wraps me in a hug.
Though Dad speaks to Tita Chato and Tito Danilo every few weeks, it’s not unusual for him to go months without speaking to Tito Maning. And when he does, his conversations with his older brother typically last only a few minutes, more an exchange of news than a conversation. I’m counting on their lack of communication to work in my favor now, on him believing my lie that Grace doesn’t want him to know it was “her” idea and honoring that, and on Tito Maning’s desire to keep up appearances, to pretend that Jun’s death really doesn’t matter. If he were to refuse to host me, then that would be admitting that it does.
While Dad’s gone, Mom eventually releases me from the hug and then asks about half a dozen more times if I’m sure I wouldn’t rather go with her to Spain or Iceland or the Czech Republic. Dad rejoins us like ten or fifteen minutes later.
“Is it cool?” I ask.
He nods.
I want to wrap my arms around him, but that’s not something we do. So instead, I tilt my head in a gesture of appreciation and say, “Salamat po. Thanks.”
“You will stay with family the entire time,” Dad says. “You won’t go anywhere by yourself.”
“Of course,” I say.
Dad turns the laptop to face him and starts typing in the payment information. “Go get your passport,” he says.
I do and then hover over his shoulder as he enters the last of the information. When he clicks to confirm the purchase, I can’t believe this is really happening. A strange, fluttery feeling stirs in my chest. My heart wants to soar, but it’s like a bird with clipped wings, the real reason I’m going keeping it grounded.
THINGS INSIDE
4 March 2012
Dear Kuya Jay,
I decided I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. We learned about the planets today in science class, and I wish I could see them for myself. Even though most everyone wants to visit Saturn because of its rings, I would fly to Jupiter. Did you know it has a storm that is thousands of kilometers in diameter that has been going on for hundreds of years? If I could go into the middle without being killed, I think that would be so beautiful to see. And if I got bored, I could go to one of its many moons. Teacher said one of them has water, and where there is water, there will be Filipinos.