She said she always knew who I was and it makes me special. She apologized for my mother. I cried harder when she said that. She started crying too, which made me scared. Fight come out of Queenie, before tears, but she was crying for me. I asked she if I can stay with her forever instead of going to the States. She was quiet, considering. “Dahlin’, I wish, I wish I could, me dahlin’, but I can’t cross me daughter. I love she, but I know me daughter. She will never forgive me and she will make your life hard. I ain’t know, gyal. Maybe it would be easier for you wit’ ya fadda.
“But,” she said, “before I take you to me home, let’s go to the water and see what Spirit say.” And then she asked me if I had my pouch. I closed my eyes to collect myself and prepare for ceremony.
AUDRE
AFTER WE GO TO THE OCEAN FOR CEREMONY, we came to she house to make my next pouch, and then Queenie slip off to do something. When she come back, I’s in she big chair, curled up like a sick kitten, looking out the window, my new pouch tied to my thigh. She swoop down on the ottoman next to me and slap me ass in the silly way she do, even though I’m a mess and been crying. I sit up and look at her and she smiling big with her gap and she satisfied with sheself. She says she went by the pastor’s house and got a message from Neri.
“How you get dis?” I ask, my hand is shaking holding the letter.
My grandma steupse at me and rolls her eyes. Then, she leans closer to me and look me in my eyes in that way she do when she want me to understand she real good. “Ya think I ’fraid he?” she says simply, and steupses again, her eyes squinting and incredulous at the thought of fear. “Listen, gyal, there are those of us who have more persuasion than Jesus, especially to those in he flock, ya understand? And no pastor was always a pastor, dahlin’. I tellin’ ya,” she says, smiling. And then she winks. My grandma is magic. I start reading:
Dear Audre,
Your grandma is magic. I look out the window and I see she convertible park up. I hear my grandfather open the door and hear he giggling, and next I know she knocking on my door and tell me to write you something. She tell me you going to go live by your father in the States and she taking my grandfather on a ride in she new car and I is to be done before she get back. Jesus, I is shock at she powers.
I love you and I love you forever. Audre, I ain’t know what to do and I feelin’ so sorry I pull you into this way. I have prayed for you and that your mother show mercy on you. I can’t bear thinking of how she vex and fighting she own child so. I can’t . . . I begged for Jesus to forgive me for my sins and help cleanse me of desire for you. I can’t explain how I love Jesus and you at the same time, but somehow it is true. I ain’t understand how God finally make sense in your arms and in your church. I think this is why this punishment, because I even at times loved our way more than the way of Jesus.
They sending me away to family in Tobago and I begging them to let me stay and work in the church and show them I done sinning, but my grandfather say the decision is final. I is off tomorrow. I can’t believe your mother is sending you so far away. I thought Tobago was far, but the States? This break me heart to the core, Audre. I ain’t know if I will ever see you again and this hurt me heart even deeper.
But if to love you means this punishment—this hurtin’ on my heart—I ain’t know why I still ain’t regret it. I love you still. I don’t know what to do, besides devote my life to Jesus and pray that I can purify my soul to feel the way I feel for you for him. I will pray for you to be safe. I will pray for us. Every time I look at water, I will be at church with you. I love you.
Forever yuh rebel,
Neri
I look up at Queenie. My face soak up with tears and I shaking and all I can do is moan. Queenie wrap her arms around me and pulls me close to her and wipes my face. I shuddering in she arms and a breeze encircles us and I breathe the smell of my grandma, mixed with my island and the ocean and know I will miss that smell.
LEO SEASON
you that cool cat
who bought the three-piece suit off layaway
and wore the alligator
Stacy Adams
to the club so we could bask in you
a yearning to be in the care of your arms
the protection of your pride
deep warm Bastet
sun queen of kings.
lover of lovers. generously ours
bounding in power and flourishing
in your softness
you make the dapper divine
and the royal real
and you roar heavenly laughter
all sweet
a lioness sunflower
full of seeds and heat
you are an immediate feeling
adored for your sensuality
and fierceness and for the luxury
of your smile
Leo sun, wild for us hot for us
to surround ourselves in your glow
and sultry and burning
MABEL
“IMMA MAKE MYSELF GET THROUGH THIS.” That’s what I tell myself, even though I feel like I can barely lift today. I made one of my dad’s protein smoothies that taste like cocoa-dirt-flavored chalk. I needed to put something in my stomach so I could get through the workout, and that nasty shake was all I could figure out.
In our basement, my dad has a bench press, some dumbbells, a big heavy punching bag, and a small punching bag that looks like a teardrop. We used it to practice fast jabbing like you see Muhammad Ali doing in one of the posters on the wall. We’ve also got a trampoline, jump ropes, and some kettlebells too. I used to chill down here and watch my dad work out, and eventually, he showed me some jabs and hooks. I was a natural at boxing, like he was at my age. Boxing is fun because you got to be smart and fast and powerful. I loved how my muscles felt after me and my dad would be punching and ducking and jumping and lifting and sweating, and then we would go eat a Popsicle together as a cool-down treat. Our little ritual.
Lately, I work out on my own or come down when I want to be by myself and let off steam in a certain kind of way. Mainly, when I’m frustrated or mad. I just push my body really hard, and when I can’t go no more, I collapse on the futon and stare at the ceiling and feel my body buzzing from the effort. But I’ve been having a harder time getting through my workouts, and in the last couple of days, I haven’t been able to finish them at all, which has me worried since I need to get really strong if I’m going to get on varsity.