Maybe it’s cos I know what it’s like to lose someone. How it feels when someone’s in your life one minute, and everything seems proper normal, and then they’re just gone, and you have to try and deal with that.
I don’t know why I thought that a Facebook page would be the best way to do it. It’s not like Al had loads of friends or anything, but I thought that at least everyone could see him, and remember him. So it would be like he was still here. Al was always hiding in real life, trying to stay away from people or blend into the walls of the corridors, and I didn’t want him to do that any more. He deserved to be seen.
So I went through Al’s profile pictures and stole one, then uploaded it to a page I set up. And then I remembered that he was always going on about the stars and that. He had loads of places he wanted to go, but the first place on his list was the Brecon Beacons cos although it was only in Wales he’d be able to see all the stars you can’t in Wythenshawe. I spent hours on Google trying to find the perfect picture of the place. There were loads, like hundreds, of star pictures, and most of them looked the same cos, once you’ve seen one star picture, you’ve seen them all. But when I found it I knew. It just felt right.
It was this sky, with mountains in the distance, and a wide-set valley, and looking at it I could tell why Al wanted to go there. There was all this open space, and millions and millions of stars. So I uploaded it to the page with the photo of Al and I looked at his face shining out against the Brecon Beacons, and it made me feel sort of proud. Cos if you squinted it almost looked like Al was up there in the sky. That he was one of those stars, looking down on the valley, and I know he would’ve liked that. And I just sat there for a minute, staring at the page, and I wanted this moment – where it was just private, where I was the only one who knew about it – to last forever.
Like the days out I used to have with my dad, when it was just me and him.
But I took a deep breath, pressed publish and wrote the first comment. The first few sentences on a blank wall:
RIP, Al, the smartest guy in Wythenshawe. I know you’re shining bright from way up there. xxxx
My mum bought me this map when I was a kid with all these different coloured pins and two bits of string. She told me that I could use it to plan my future. Plan my life. So I spent ages pressing the pins in the places I wanted to visit, the places where you could see the stars, or the mountains, or glaciers from the Ice Age. And sometimes I’d run my hand along the string, over all the different countries, and I’d just keep adding more pins because there was so much in this world that I wanted to see.
The loud horn and shouting from the scrap-metal man outside wake me up. I turn over. If I was at school now, I’d be in third period with Kyle. Bored out my face in English, counting down the minutes to lunch. I reach over to my bedside table and pull open the drawer, taking my iPhone out. It’s been switched off since Al . . .
I was sick of all the messages, notifications, missed calls, Snaps, Insta stories I’d been tagged in. There were so many and it’s only been four days. Some of them were from my mates, or people off the estate, but most of them were people I didn’t even know. People who suddenly felt like they had summat to say about Al. It hadn’t taken long to get out, mainly cause of Saul’s girlfriend, ‘big gob’ Lauren, who loved to spread gossip. Good or bad.
But it felt weird not having my phone on. Even tho the notifications and messages pissed me off, I felt like I was missing out. Missing out on all the stuff that Kyle and my mates had been doing. And I wanted to see Al, too. See some pictures of him alive. Happy. To replace the one that I couldn’t get out my head.
I switch my phone on and type in my passcode. It pings straight away with a WhatsApp from Kyle. I ignore it, but then my phone vibrates with a message. Then another, then another, then another. I don’t open them, but I still see what they say on the screen.
Is it tru?
Soz m8
U ok?
Wot happened?
Nate . . . u there?
Nate????
I go to my photos and scroll through, passing image after image, going past pictures taken in school or out in town with my mates. The memes and GIFs that I’d sent to Kyle and pictures of fit girls that I’ve screen-grabbed from Insta and that. I keep going till I find some photos of Al. He never really liked pictures, but I’d managed to get a few.
There’s one of him messin about with me and Saul in the park two years ago.
One of him sleeping with his mouth open.
One of him wearing a T-shirt with all these planets on it, his arms folded across his chest. I zoom in on his face, making his features bigger so I can try to remember him this way, and not the way I found him. His brown skin, the gap in his teeth. His thick hair. And then, I dunno why, I find myself looking for summat else. Tryna see if he seems upset or like he’s scared or in trouble. But he just looks normal. He just looks like the same old Al.
I stop on the most recent photo, one where I can actually see his face. It was taken in April. Me and my mates are always taking photos, selfies, just messin around and stuff, but Al was really funny about it. He’d never take a selfie with me or Saul, and when he did he’d cover his face with his hand, like he was hiding. And if we ever took one without him knowing, and posted it somewhere, he’d go off on one. Getting all upset and going into one of his weird moods. I never understood why he took everything so seriously.
I stare down at the photo of me, Al, Saul and Lewi. It was from sometime over Easter when we’d spent the whole day hanging round Wythenshawe Park, going on all the rides at the fair. In the photo, Al and Lewi are standing in front of one of those prize stalls – the ones where you have to get a foam hoop round one of those plastic cones – Al, with his thick Afro and headphones hanging round his neck, wearing his favourite Geology Rocks T-shirt, his arm draped round Lewi’s shoulder and giving the thumbs up to the camera. Lewi grins, his fingers wrapped round each other and pointing upwards to make a W shape. ‘W’ for Wythenshawe.
Lewi’s got this huge inflatable hammer in his other hand. I remember that Al had managed to win it by working out the right angle to throw the hoop. He’d said that you didn’t have to be strong or good at throwing things, you just had to work out where to stand and the distance to release it at. Lewi had wanted the hammer so much that Al had ended up giving it to him. They had been best mates since primary school, always together, but, a few weeks after that day, Lewi just stopped coming round, and Al never said why.
I never thought much of it at the time, but it’s actually weird. You don’t just have a bust-up with your mate, unless summat’s happened. Summat must have gone down between them that Al didn’t tell me about.
I have to look away from my phone cause it hurts too much.
Al was all alone. He had me and Saul, yeah, but Lewi was his best mate, and he’d just gone off. Started hanging round with Eli and Cole, who were nothin like Al. Maybe, if Lewi had still been his mate, then Al wouldn’t have done it. If Lewi hadn’t left him, then Al would still feel like he had someone there. Someone he could turn to.
I lie back on my pillow. The more I think about Al, the more it’s like I don’t even know him, but all I want is to feel close to him. To tell him that I love him, even tho I never said it when he was here. I just want my big brother back.