I don’t really have friends any more.
The rest of that first day went as well as it could. I managed to find all my rooms. I met my teachers. They told us how much harder A levels were compared to GCSEs. My music teacher, Mrs Clarke, seemed cool and she was the most important one. I went to BoJangles and I sat quietly as Hannah introduced me to Jack and Liv. We bonded over how the North is different to the South.
“So you say ‘bAth’, whereas we say ‘bARth’.”
“Gravy? On chips? That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.”
“So, where exactly is Sheffield? Oh, okay. And what’s the Midlands? I thought Sheffield was up north?”
“You play guitar?” they asked, once we’d exhausted all the words I say differently. “And you write your own songs? Wow.”
On the whole, as first days go, it was okay. These guys all knew each other better than they knew me, but they’d gone to college to meet new people and I was a new person. Hannah clearly led this little group of defectors from their religious school, and Jack clearly fancied Hannah. He stared adoringly while she described how naff the drama facilities were at their old school. “So, why have you moved all the way down here?” Hannah asked, checking her perfect fringe in a hand mirror.
“My dad got made redundant. He couldn’t find another job up north.”
Hannah put her mirror away and looked at me with genuine sympathy. “Wow, that sucks.” The rest of the table made supportive noises over the foam of their coffee.
“It’s okay,” I lied. “My mum grew up near here, so I’ve been down south a few times before.”
“Well, just in case you don’t know,” she said. “We put ketchup on our chips, not gravy.”
“Heathen.”
And we smiled the smiles of new friends being made.
I hadn’t met you yet, of course. This was still Before You. Maybe I sensed you though – on that very first day – walking home in the sun, to the place that wasn’t yet home.
All I know is that I just about felt okay as I walked back to the new flat. My phone led me down this alleyway as a shortcut, past the backs of people’s gardens.
I’d have two hours to play guitar before my parents got back and snatches of new lyrics drifted into my head as I walked through the speckles of sunshine. The alleyway curved left and I emerged onto a rickety railway bridge. My phone told me to cross it, so I did, stopping in the middle to look out at the train tracks vanishing into the point of a triangle. My brain got all quiet and a lyric wiggled its way through my subconscious.
I’ve got a horizon either side of me… I’ve got your love etched deep inside of me… I want to go back, but life has other plans…
I knew right away it was a keeper. The start of a song. I bashed the lines out on my phone as a memo note, keen to get it down before it vanished back into the ether. I’d just finished typing when my phone started vibrating in my hand.
My heart twisted over as I held it to my ear.
“Hello?” I said, even though every singing, sad part of my body knew who it was.
“Ammy! How did it go?”
Alfie’s voice was the sound of safety. The sound of comfort and home. And yet it sounded so far away from this bridge.
I tried to ignore my lurching stomach. “It went okay actually. I met this drama girl, Hannah, who was pretty friendly and cool. The mixing equipment at college is good.”
He laughed and I could picture him doing it – the way he always held his hand up to his chin, the way one eye closed up a little bit more than the other. “Well, that’s the important thing,” he said. “And I’m glad not all southern fairies are too awful.”
My phone tucked between my shoulder and my ear, I walked towards this bench at the far end of the bridge, sitting down right where I’m sat now.
“I don’t think I’ll make any friends if I refer to everyone as southern fairies.”
He laughed again. “True! But you can secretly think it at all times. In fact, we won’t let you back into Yorkshire if you don’t.”
“You better let me back me into Yorkshire!”
Laughing in the background, the noise of a scuffle, Alfie called “HEY” and then Jessa’s voice boomed into my ear. “AMELIE, WE MISS YOUUUUUUUUUUU. COME BACK UP NORTH, YOU TWAT.”
My smile split my face in half. “I miss you too.”
“School was SO weird without you today. I even considered putting a cardigan around a balloon and pretending it was you.”
“I’m not currently wearing a cardigan,” I told her. “It’s too warm down here.”
“OH MY GOD, GUYS,” she shouted away from the speaker. “SHE SAYS IT’S SO HOT DOWN SOUTH SHE ISN’T EVEN WEARING A CARDIGAN!”
There were sounds of disbelief from my old friends. “Pics or I won’t believe it,” Kimmy shouted. Then laughter and more disturbance and I found myself bent over, pressing my hand to my guts.
“Give me the phone back, Jessa. Jessa?” I heard Alfie negotiate. “I’ll let you have a chip. Okay, three chips. That’s more than three! Okay…hang on… Sorry, Ammy, you still there?”
“I’m still here.”
“Hang on. I’ll let them walk in front so we can talk properly.”
I heard the crunch of Alfie walking across gravel. “Where are you guys?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from squeaking.
“Oh, the Botanical Gardens – same old, same old.” I could picture them. I knew exactly which chip shop they’d gone to, and I knew exactly which bench they’d sit on.
“What have you got on your chips?” Though I already knew the answer.
“Gravy, cheese and mayonnaise – the secret ingredient!”
“It’s the mayonnaise that makes it so wrong.”
“I’m before my time, Ammy, you know that…” There was a pause down the line. “I miss you,” he said, eventually. “Today was weird and horrible.”
I gulped and blinked up at the blue of the sky. “Two years will go quickly enough.”
“That’s what we keep saying.” Another pause. “But, you’re okay? I was thinking about you – sending you happy thoughts. Did you get them?”
One tear escaped. The beginning of this. I collected it with the tip of my finger and flicked it off. “I did. Thank you.”
We both sighed, not saying it. We’d said it all before I left. “How did your first A level chemistry lesson go?” I tried to steer the conversation towards upbeat. “Were you allowed to use the Bunsen burner?”
“How many times do I have to tell you there’s more to it than Bunsen burners?”
“They’re the only reason you like science, and you need to stop lying to yourself.”
Alfie laughed, but it was a sad one. I could hear Kimmy and Jessa arguing somewhere near him. “I’d better go,” he said, “they’re eating all my chips.”
I did not want the phone conversation to end. I did not want to lose the sound of his voice. But we’d agreed to get on with this, we’d agreed to accept the shitty situation for what it was. We’d agreed to put us on ice.