Liam looked at me, and I couldn’t tell if he was stifling a laugh.
Then he smiled. “It’s different. I like it.”
I felt a pleasant lifting in my chest—and then the quiet descended again, liquid and oppressive. I didn’t know why I’d told him. I wanted to take it back.
Slowly, Liam moved closer until our arms touched. Mine broke out in goose bumps. I needed to say something to break the tension.
“What do you want to do when you grow up, Liam Miller?”
He let out an uncomfortable laugh and ran his hand over his short hair. It was a stupid question, but it had done the trick.
“I don’t know. Travel, I guess.”
“To New York?”
He looked at me. “How’d you know?”
“There’s a giant framed photo in your bedroom.”
“Oh. Duh.” He smiled. I felt a twinge in my chest. “You’ve traveled a lot,” he said.
“I guess.”
“What’s it like? You know, once you get past the soybean sea.”
“Why are you asking me? You’re the one who moved to California.”
“Yeah, but that’s moving, not traveling. There’s a difference.”
I looked at him, at his dark blue eyes and his slightly stubbled jaw. I felt an impulse to lean forward and kiss him; instead, I bit my lip and looked away.
“There’s this saying,” I said, “‘Wherever you go, there you are.’ Traveling is like that. New places are fun for a while, but then you start to miss where you were before. You find things not to like about the new place, and eventually you realize that the thing you don’t like is you.”
Liam stared at me. “You’re like a ninety-year-old woman trapped in a sixteen-year-old’s body.”
It was a weird compliment—but it made me smile.
“What about you?” he asked. “Are you going to be a magician like your dad?”
My smile faltered. “No,” I said. “Definitely not.”
“Do you hate it?”
I leaned back and looked up. The clouds had cleared, and I could see Orion’s shoulders hanging low in the western sky. “No,” I said, “I love it.”
I exhaled, and it was like I had shrugged off that X-ray vest. I’d been pushing back on Dad for so long, trying to stay focused on my future, that it was a relief to finally tell someone how I really felt. And now that I had started, the words spilled out.
“I love the way the lights blind you when you step onstage. That big black chasm full of people you can’t see. The way they all gasp at once when you’ve really surprised them. It’s . . .” I shook my head.
“I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way about anything,” Liam said. “Why don’t you want to do it?”
I closed my eyes. What was I supposed to say? That I hated living in an RV and texting on a shitty phone from 2016? That I needed expensive pills to keep from drowning myself in a truck-stop bathroom? Here was a guy who had everything, who ate canapés and won scholarships and drove a vintage Mustang. How could he understand anything about me? I looked down at my mother’s old shoes and hoped he hadn’t noticed how scuffed they were.
“I’m going to be a psychiatric nurse,” I said, glancing at him to see if he was going to laugh. He didn’t.
“That sounds intense.”
“I want to make a difference. Not just be a dancing monkey.”
“I don’t think you’re a dancing monkey.”
“Nurses are in demand. And they get paid really well.” I was babbling now, and I couldn’t stop. “I’m going to get my diploma and go for an associate’s in nursing. I’ll have a job and insurance before my dad turns seventy. And an apartment. With a balcony.” Finally, I bit my lip to stop my blathering.
“Balconies are good,” Liam said.
I shivered, and he reached over to turn up the collar of the coat he’d lent me. His warm finger brushed my cold cheek, and I shivered again.
He shifted closer. “Why did you leave Eastside?”
I felt a momentary rush of relief; he hadn’t seen the videos. But even so, what should I tell him? That I’d gone crazy at a party? That I couldn’t take the stares and the whispers anymore? I decided no—I would keep that to myself.
“I missed too many days traveling with my dad. Online school was easier.”
“Oh,” he said, but the word was weighted.
“Oh? What does oh mean?”
“I just . . . thought you left for other reasons.”
My chest tightened. “Like what?”
“I’m sorry. Can we just forget it?”
“No, we can’t.” I folded my arms—why was I antagonizing him?—but I couldn’t stop myself. “What did you mean?”
He looked away. “You were always, like . . . I don’t know. One day you’d be chatty and smiley with your friends, and then it seemed like you wouldn’t talk to anyone for a week. I’d see you sitting on the stairs, and I wanted to come say something to you, but you projected this, like, fuck off vibe, and I didn’t want to bother you.”
I gaped at him. Even after the play, he had paid attention to me. Enough to keep track of my moods.
“I shouldn’t have said anything,” he said.
“No, it’s fine. I’m just surprised you noticed.”
He looked at me with a bemused expression. “How could I not notice you?”
We were still for a moment. I could have sworn I felt our faces drifting closer, like two satellites drawing together, each caught in the other’s microgravity. The tension was too much.
I said, “What’s your confession?”
He pressed his lips together and looked straight into my eyes. “I had a crush on you during the play.”
My lungs felt suddenly empty. “Liar,” I whispered.
He smiled. “Your turn.”
My mouth was dry. I licked my lips. “I’ve never been on a date before.”
Liam didn’t even flinch. He just leaned in and kissed me.
CHAPTER 7
HIS LIPS WERE FIRM BUT gentle, his hand warm on the back of my neck. My whole body began to heat up, and little red bursts of light bloomed on the backs of my eyelids. He drew me in tighter.
Suddenly, it was too much. I put a hand on his chest and pushed.
Liam pulled away immediately and took his hand off my neck, leaving a cold void where it had been.
“Was I too fast?” he asked.
I tried to say no but couldn’t get the word out.
“Is it . . . Do you have a boyfriend?”
I shook my head. “It’s my first date, remember?”
“Oh.” His shoulders relaxed slightly. “What happened? You sort of . . . detached.”
I hugged myself in his jacket and looked away. I couldn’t tell him the truth—that I was afraid of going manic and freaking out. That even just kissing was too intense. Who would want a girl like that?
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I knew I was going to ruin this.”
Liam looked at me as if I’d just spoken a foreign language.
“If you think this is ruined, I have bad news for you about dating.”