“I—just, I didn’t know.”
“There’s nothing to know . . . yet.”
Sadie screams, “Yet? I knew it! See, told you, Imani.”
“Um, you’re in my ear,” I remind her.
“Okay, focus. Who is he?” Imani crosses her legs on the sofa and gets comfortable like she is getting ready for a long story.
It feels like old times. Here we are hanging out and just talking about our lives. We haven’t done this in months. This is exactly what I wanted summer to be. I don’t know why I am hesitating to tell them I have feelings for Tye. We usually tell each other everything. “Okay,” I say. “Don’t make a big deal about this. We are not dating. I repeat. We. Are. Not. Dating. But I do kind of, sort of like Tye, and I think he kind of, sort of likes me.”
There, I said it. I feel relieved actually.
Sadie shouts—in my ear—“I knew it. I knew.”
Imani scoots to the edge of the sofa. “Tye Brown?”
“Um, do we know any other Tye?” I smile when I say this, but when I look at Imani, I realize her question wasn’t for clarification—it is the kind of question that asks, really? Imani’s face is all frowned up. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask.
“You don’t seem like his type.”
“Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, Imani.”
“To be fair, he doesn’t seem like your type either. You two are opposites.”
Sadie says, “Well, they say opposites attract.”
Imani leans back again, relaxes her face. “Right. Yeah—I mean, it’s just a little surprising.” Then she says, “I actually thought he liked Toya.”
“Why would you say that?” I lean forward, and Sadie taps me on my shoulder, moving me back to the spot she needs me in as she braids my hair.
“What? I’m just saying—him and Toya seem to be good friends, and I thought maybe there was something there. Toya is into community organizing, and so is Tye, Toya is a vegetarian, and so is Tye. Toya—”
“Okay, Imani. I get it. I am not the recycling, Heal-the-World-Make-It-a-Better-Place social justice warrior like Toya. But you act like there’s nothing about me Tye could like.”
“I’m not saying that.”
“She definitely didn’t say that,” Sadie says.
Imani gets up and goes into the kitchen to get more soda. “Look, Toya is my friend. And she really likes him.”
“I’m your cousin.” Your cousin-sister-friend to be exact. “And I like him too. And he’s giving me vibes like the feeling is mutual,” I say. I don’t even know if it’s true, but I need to say it, want to believe it.
“That’s fine,” Imani says. “I wasn’t saying he shouldn’t; I just said it was surprising.”
I shouldn’t have said anything.
Sadie’s fingers dance with my hair, twirling and twisting. “But wait—are you two together or—”
“We’re just friends, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Can you turn the movie back on?”
Imani picks up the control, turns the movie on. She mumbles a sorry. But I don’t acknowledge it. I just try to focus on the movie. But I can’t.
You don’t seem like his type rings in my head over and over. And of course, the reason why I’m so irritated is because Imani is right. She knows the real me, and she knows the real Toya. And the real Tye. And so what she’s saying is, Tye wouldn’t fall in love with the real me and having a new hairstyle isn’t going to change that.
Imani pauses the movie again and says, “And speaking of friends who are more than friends. Sadie, what’s up with you and Jackson?”
“Nothing. We really are friends. I know that’s hard to believe, but for real. We’re more like brother-sister.”
“You’ve never kissed?” I ask.
“Nope.”
“You’ve never thought about it?” Imani asks.
“Nope.”
At the same time Imani and I say, “I don’t believe you.”
And we all start laughing.
Sadie says, “You know it really is possible for a guy and a girl to just be friends. I love him. But it’s not like that. He’s a good friend to me. And our parents have known each other all our lives. Our families are just close. I promise. I have nothing to hide. If I liked him, I’d tell you.”
We let it go, watch the movie. When Sadie finishes my hair she wiggles her fingers, shaking out the cramps in her hands. Then, she picks up a mirror. “You like?”
“I love,” I say.
Imani agrees. “That style looks good on you.”
We experiment for a while on different hairstyles I can do, but for the rest of the night, I just wear the braids down. When Imani and I get home, Aunt Ebony says, “Wow, you look so elegant with your hair like that. It’s beautiful.”
My hair is beautiful.
Well, according to Aunt Ebony. I wonder what Tye will say. I’m going to see him tomorrow, and I will look much better than I did this morning. I wonder what kind of response Tye will give me. There are so many ways people react to a Black girl changing up her hairstyle. Of course, there’s the most ridiculous can I touch it? questions from white people, then there’s the how long did it take? question from people who know better than to ask if they can touch it but are still so curious. There are the Black girls who have been wanting the style or just had the style and want to talk to you about it to compare notes on the experience. And then the people who totally ignore you, act like your hair has always been that way—which means either they hate the new style and would rather not say anything or they really like it but don’t want to say it (out of fear or jealousy). Of course, the best response is a simple I like your hair. Why is that response the hardest?
Before I go to bed, I stand in the mirror, play around with the different styles Sadie and Imani showed me. I think about Tye and wonder if he’s standing in the mirror thinking about what I’ll think of his hair . . . ​probably not.
10 BLACK GIRL HAIRSTYLES THAT LOOK GOOD ON ME
1.Box Braids
2.Marley Twists
3.Sister Locs
4. Micro Braids
5.Two-Strand Twists
6.Goddess Locs
7.Bantu Knots
8.Halo Braid
9.Flat Ironed, Bone Straight
10.Any way I like it
8
BLUE PLAYLIST, TRACK 5
big & brown & beautiful
Chorus
if beauty is in the eye of the beholder
then look at yourself, take in your whole body
if beauty is in the eye of the beholder
then look at yourself, take in your whole body
Verse 1
and what the mirror whispers is:
girl you are exquisite
every strand of hair on your head is accounted for
you are that rare find, that one-of-a-kind
and no one—no one—is a better you
Refrain
see how big and brown and beautiful you are
see how big and brown and beautiful you are
Verse 2
and what the mirror whispers is:
you standing here a somebody, a whole body
big and brown